Counting down my life in the past decade-- The Year 2000

It's 2AM and I can't sleep because I just watched a pirated version of The Blind Side and it's got me thinking. Wait, that's a lie, I can't sleep because Ben just came home with a girl and a thing of garlic knots, so I ate those (the garlic knots) and decided to write about my favorite memories from the last decade. Here they are, enjoy!

2000:
8th grade; my Bar Mitzvah year. For those who weren't in attendance, my Bar Mitzvah took place at the top of Vail, and was the bomb diggity. Here are the good and bad parts of the event:

Good
-We stayed in a hotel at the base of the mountain, and our suite had its own hot tub. Somehow, Bob, Lorne and I were in it and convinced Megan L, Elyse, and Marisa to take off their bathing suits. I didn't even have pubic hair, and I was already making girls take their shirts off. Go me.
-The party was tons of fun, including Scott the typical Bar Mitzvah DJ and his dancers, one of whom was a Broncos cheerleader and flirted with me. Looking back, she probably wasn't flirting with me and was just being nice because we paid her to dance, but at least she made me happy (I just re-read that sentence and realized my dad was sending me terrible messages when I was a child. Oh well).

Bad
-I told my parents that I wanted to hang out with my friends during the day instead of skiing with my family. Now I live in New York, and would do anything to be skiing with my family. Bad choice, me.
- We felt bad for all the kosher kids who were coming up from my class at school, so instead of just using the caterers in Vail, my mom had special Kosher food brought up. Guess what? The Kosher motherfuckers brought their own food, even though they knew that my mom had the food delivered special for them. Fuck that, I would have loved me some shrimp and lobster the day I became a man, but I settled for strictly dairy to appease Lisa Greenstein. Booooo.
-Shane and Becky caught us in the hot tub when the girls took their shirts off, but didn't actually see anything, only hearing us through the door. They told our parents that we were playing strip poker, which we got in trouble for. Strip poker? Really Shane? We were in a fucking hot tub! We didn't have cards! I got in trouble at my own Bar Mitzvah for something I didn't even do!
-Shauna and Devra sing a  remix of the "Only Gay Eskimo Song" to the new lyrics of "Only Boy with 2 Moles." I become a man, and then I sink into my seat as I realize that for the rest of my life I'm still gonna get shit for these fucking beauty marks. At least they give me character.

2000 in sports:
Tiger wins 3 majors, Ray Bourque gets traded to the Avs, The Nuggets trade Chauncey away and suck, the Broncos lose Elway and Mile High Stadium, the Rockies trade Dante Bichette so we all know the Blake St. Bomber days are over, and I peak as a three point shooter for the RMHA Middle School Basketball team.

2000 in love:
I exchange altoids with Sarah Lipsitz, this being my first time using tongue during a kiss. My obsession with Devra Feld is nearing its end, as she has begun flirting with Jules and I might as well concede the battle (he did become an Israeli soldier after all). I'm still sort of shy, so not much love in my life overall, though I was introduced to paperback hardcore porn for the first time via my first BBYO event.

Stay tuned for my update on what happened in 2001!

Fun with Pictures

I'm not much of a photographer, but since I moved to NY I've fallen in love with taken pictures with my phone. I guess it's a product of seeing lots of amusing shit. So, here's some pictures I've taken and an explanation of their value (some are pretty ridiculous)


Shane and I took this picture during one of her advanced finance classes in Hong Kong. She was CLEARLY never taught any manners, because everyone knows how rude it is to point at people. Then again....this girl in her class is wearing an f-ing swine flu mask. I feel like it's an important life skill to be able to avoid disease by building an immune system, not just wearing a mask. I guess the asians haven't figured everything out yet.





My neice and nephew are cute as hell. And they're good skiers. This picture isn't funny, it just makes me happy, and it makes me wish I still lived in Colorado.



I saw this on the cigar menu at a BBQ place near my office. I created this cigar myself, and called it "The Stephen Golding" but I guess they thought people weren't familiar enough with Stephen, so they called it a Texas Jewboy.

Seriously though, pretty anti-semetic and ridiculous in my opinion, especially if you say "I'm sucking on a Texas Jewboy." That is beyond distasteful, and I sure hope I never experience it.



I saw this on 6th and 3rd, I believe. It's my block! It says it right there in the concrete! Wow, I'm famous.


This one is a bit of a longer story. When I was home for Thanksgiving, I told my mom I wanted to buy a peacoat, or any sort of jacket that I could wear to work over a suit that wasn't my full out DNA Ski Jacket. We didn't have time to buy one, but when I was leaving I found the jacket pictured above in my hallway closet. I tried it on, and it fit! Free jacket!

As I buttoned the jacket, Jules looked up at me and giggled. I asked why, and he said "I think that's a women's jacket." I refused to accept that it was, especially considering the size the woman would need to be to fit into the jacket. Also, the buttons could be buttoned up on either side, so it could be set up as a men's jacket no matter what (though based on that flexibility we could even call it a transgenderal jacket. maybe.).

I was hurt by this argument, and couldn't really find the exact model online. Then I was on the subway, and saw this:




A homeless man asking for money wearing the same jacket! It had to be a men's jacket, because he was a homeless MAN!!!! I'm happy this all got sorted out.

Happy Chanukah

Amusement

I haven't blogged in a while, and it sort of makes me think, "Shit, have I stopped having fun?"

Truth is, I still have fun, it's just more toned down. Here are some highlights of my fun from the past couple of weeks:

- I peed in public in Denver last wednesday night on the way to Taco Bell from downtown. So did Ziggy. You can't get away with that shit in NYC unless your homeless, in which case it's almost expected.

-Dad passed out during the Broncos game at thanksgiving dinner. But he's thinking....hmm...about what?



- Was in Vail for most of Thanksgiving, and on Saturday night I was walking around Lionshead when I saw the following scene take place:

I don't know if it's clear, but there's a woman singing the classic hannukah beat "Don't let the light go out." In front of her stands a man dressed as Santa (could be the real thing, but I may never know) with a live reindeer next to him. I'd never seen a reindeer before! But this one didn't have a red nose, so I was a bit bummed out (thought they'd bring in the big guns to Vail).

-Tyler, Lauren and I skied together for the first time. It was hilarious, especially when I tried to teach Tyler how to "get air" for the first time, even though it was only his fourth time skiing. A couple of good crashes later, and neither of them learned there lesson. Maybe that's my fault, and I should have taught them the lesson "learn how to turn properly before you go off jumps." Oh well.

I don't think I was supposed to screenshot that image from the Vail website...oops. Please don't get me fired for this.


This week I've done a lot of eating and watching TV. I love life. More stories to come this weekend after Mishkin/Julie's bday party and other fun.

I'm an asshole, but I promise it's not intentional

Last night I felt like a bad person. It was really funny though, so I have no regrets.

Our second housewarming party (because Amy couldn't be at the first one) was going well, with a good mix of WashU, home friends, camp friends, and randos all seeming to have a good time. The apartment above us also threw a party, so some people from their party trickled in as well. I was standing in the stairwell at one point when a group of girls passed, one of whom asking me if it was my party. I told her it was, and she mentioned that she "knew Barry Dan." I asked how, and she explained that her best friend was dating Barry's roommate Andrew. I exclaimed "well if you want to allow Andrew to hang out with his girlfriend and his best friend at the same time, you should date Barry so you can go on double dates! It would be perfect!" I brought her into the busy apartment, and yelled across the room for Barry to come over. I admit it was a bit awkward, but I felt like a matchmaker so I didn't care.

I let them talk for a few minutes, then I was tapped on the shoulder as she let me know that she was leaving. I looked at the two of them, paused, and said:

"It didn't work out?"

They sort of laughed, then she left. Barry looks at me and says:

"It didn't work out? IT DIDN'T WORK OUT?? I hooked up with her 3 weeks ago, asshole!"

It was amazing. I love my life.

My Top 5 TV show clips from the fall that make me laugh (that I could find)

Certain moments this fall on TV really did it for me. Let's go through them a bit.

HARDCORE PARKOUR- The Office
(the title explains it all)




Modern Family
This has been the most surprising show of the fall for me, and while I could have picked a cliche clip like the Lion King excerpt, I picked this little part of an episode a couple of weeks ago because I liked it (and couldn't find the clip from the end of the episode where the family sings Dylan's "Do Me" song in harmony)



Always Sunny is phenomenal. And when I watch this clip I think about all the amazing business ideas I've had with Lucas, and I'm reminded that Lucas Cupkovic essentially is a real life Charlie Kelly, so any of our commercials would have ended up like this...in a good way.



Again, a Charlie clip...he's a "full on rapist"



milksteak.

How did I get home last night?

I don't know how I got home. I think I walked. But that would have been a 30 minute walk in the cold. But I don't remember taking a cab. hmm. Let's recap.

Last night was Night#2 in my three night stretch of open bars every night. I showed up at the NYU Monopoly event with no expectations, and found a stocked open bar and a prime rib dinner. Supposedly tickets cost $250, but StreetEasy sponsored the event so it was free for myself and my date, Alex Bergson. It was a blast, except when an intern at The Real Deal, a sophomore in college, made me do a tequila shot. That was straight up unnecessary.

We ended up following the Real Deal crew to another party at 230 5th, the rooftop bar famous for letting me in by pretending to be Gene Wilder's grandson. Well we didn't have tickets to the party, but somehow we got in. The intern didn't. I don't think we were upset.

The roof was obviously cold, so the venue gave out red robes to keep people warm. I wanted a red robe. I think I tried to steal one and didn't get away with it. What a letdown.

At some point after this I got home. I'm amazed at how blogging about the event helped me piece together the night. Bergson just texted me so I know he's ok. Open bars will be the end of me, and with Linus tonight in the STL and Seans Bday Saturday at Guo Bin, I hope I make it to work on Monday....but it's not lookin good

How 22 Almost One-Upped 21

My 21st was an unhealthy time in my life, as I detailed in my last post. Well, my 22nd was not much healthier, but it definitely lasted longer (5 days of Me, somehow). I'll go through the events, followed by some fun things I've seen around and taken pictures of lately.

Day 1: Wednesday, The Actual Birthday

Left work to go meet Bob at his place so we could watch the Nets v Nuggets game. When I got there, Bob and Ray had thrown a surprise party for me, with some good friends planning to go to the game with us. We had an amazing time, especially with the surprise of Annie coming to be there for the weekend. Great night, and the Nuggets kicked ass.

Day 2: Thursday, Kickball and Ricky Gervais

Left work to play Kickball for the Big Bangers, who I should mention were almost as dominant as the Nuggets. I had to leave early, as Barry surprised me with tickets to see Ricky Gervais do standup live. He was great, and we ended up at a Wall Street Journal Open Bar afterparty. 2 Birthdays in, Jared is happy.

Day 3: Friday, Benihana

No Birthday is complete without a little "Japanese Happy Song" after some Hibachi Steak and fried rice. I love that place. After my current occupation I will be opening up a Kosher Hibachi place called either "Heebachi" or "Benichhhhana"

Day 4: Saturday, The Party

The party started at my place around 10. The Apt got packed pretty fast. I puked by 11, then rallied and drank the rest of the night without telling anyone. Here are some highlights from the bar in pictures:

Dance off between Bob, Ray, and Ben. Bob relied on step dancing, Ray relied on Break dancing, and Ben relied on fun dancing. Oh, and I did the worm supposedly.




At one point I took off my belt and took this picture with Ben. I don't know why. But I sent this picture to barry with the message "So Lovers." I don't know what that means.



Day 5: Chelsea and Improv

Sunday night Annie, Ray, Yano and I went to the Upright Citizens Brigade Improv show. On the way there, we saw a child who looked EXACTLY like Ugly Betty. I took a picture, because I'm an asshole.


On the way to the club, I saw this poster in a gay porn shop window. Oh New York.


The improv show was completely free, and the cast included Amy Poehler, Seth Myers, Jack mcBryar (kenneth from 30 rock), some other SNL and 30 Rock guys, and was hosted by John Hamm from Mad Men. It was hilarious, and made me want to do longform Improv. Sadly, I'm lazy and busy at the same time. Not a good combination for trying to be a comedian in NY.


So that's the birthday. Yesterday we had lunch in Union Square, and I took a picture of Ben's Swollen Uvula. Take a peek.




Yucky. Anyway, thanks everyone for a great 22nd Birthday, it showed me how great my friends are and how lucky I am.

Birthdays over the years

As I woke up this morning around 7:30, I got a bit nostalgic about my life and all of my past birthdays (yah, today is my big 2-2). I then got depressed about how I don't remember all of my birthdays, which is an excuse you can use in college for obvious reasons, but not for when you turned 13. So, I brainstormed and here's my list of birthday memories I can think of:

4- Joint Halloween Birthday with Andy Draper (above: pic of us four years later. We aged nicely) . I think we threw it at my house, and I was dressed as a clown while Andy dressed as Batman. We had a good crew there, probably some sweet goody bags, and we hired a real clown for entertainment. Probably took away some thunder from me as the only other clown in the room, but he had some tricks I couldn't pull off at the time. Big ups to him.

5- Had a party in USDS, my kindergarten. Schecter and Chellie were there. We ate cupcakes. That's all I remember.

6- First birthday in Denver. Rondi, my first grade teacher, did some balloon stunt to impress us. Not quite as entertaining as the clown, but impressive for a teacher.

8- Pinata outside my house (memorable attendees included Sam, Elie Z, Ben F and Ben S, Jamey, and Jason D) then Woody's pizza. Good time.

11- Probably the most distinct memory. I played hockey, so I wanted to show off my skills; we had an ice skating party at Big Bear (which I believe has closed down...sad). All was fine and dandy until Courtney H fell and cut her finger. She was bleeding profusely. We freaked out, and my dad came up with a solution--
He started sucking on her finger.
I've never felt so uncomfortable. They say it's awkward walking in on your parents having sex. Try walking in on your dad sucking on your friend's finger.

12- We have a group of about 16, and we go to the Avalanche game. In the car ride over, My dad drives Shauna and some girls (Romi and Devra?) with Sam in the front seat. Shauna spends the ride talking about her new bras. My dad tells Sam to stay quiet and just listen. The next few years are filled with "Hi Shauna"
"Hi Art"
"How are the bras"
"Good thanks."

Almost as awkward as the finger sucking.

13- No one cares about my birthday because I had a bar mitzvah coming up. Thanks.

16- Dad takes me to an Avalanche game and "forget the tickets." I should've caught on, because he's never forgotten tickets in any of the other 21 years I've been alive. I get home to a surprise 16th bday, full of good friends and Catered Chipotle. Did I mention the Catered Chipotle? Oh yah, we had Catered Chipotle. My mom knows me so well.

18- I think I FINALLY used my REAL 18 YEAR OLD ID to get into a club! Lucky me! Probably the Vault or something. Yay.

19- Joint birthday party with Sara Reynolds. Wow, that was a failure. Sara bailed halfway after leaving some pierced weirdos in the room alone with me. What a sweetheart. I think I got Nuggets Pajamas that year though, so it was an overall victory.

20- No recollection, not because I was drunk, though I probably was. I just have no idea what we did on my birthday. Let me know if you remember.

21- At 12, handed my ID to security at Lumiere and gambled legally for the first time. Made big bucks off Danny Drews advice, although he lost a bunch.
The next night, Barack Obama became president, and 20 of my best friends and I sat in an empty bar watching his speech and drinking. Wait, that's not what happened. I sat there drinking, and they fed me 18 shots and watched. I ended up giving a speech about Obama, my weight, and Israel, which rivaled Obama's speech in passion though likely not in content.

Drink 18: Sean hands me a shot, tells me it's delicious. It's straight grape vodka. I puke in the beer bucket on the table. Mishkin bets me $100 to puke on Sean, and I chase him around the block to no avail. Woke up without a hangover the next morning. Best Birthday ever.


Moral of the story: I've lived an amazing life, had some interesting birthdays, and am lucky to have always had great friends around me for all of them. Thanks for everything, and if you're in NYC over the next 4 days, get ready for a lot of fun.

Song of the day before my birthday

This is it- Miley Cyrus + Notorious BIG: Party and Bullshit in the USA

Tomorrow's my bday. So today I am listening to Biggie and Miley singing at the same time. Life is good.

Halloween

I had no expectations for Halloween. I hadn't picked a costume until the Friday, when I went to a vintage store across the street to get a vest. No big plans, I thought it would just be an average weekend. It sort of was, but at least some weird shit happened to spice it up.

Starting on Friday night--we went to Diener's bday, and I had thought it was going to be a dress up party. Andrew, Rachel and I dressed as nerds, and no one else at the party was dressed up. Luckily, all I had to do was untuck my shirt, take off my fake glasses, roll down my pants, and
even I wasn't dressed up. I'm a fuckin Transformer.

The night wasn't especially exciting, though it ended at Pommes Frites where I endulged myself in a delicious Poutine (link included for non-Canadians). A girl in the line wanted to try it. I scooped it into her hand, and she smiled for this pic:

:

Oh yah, and I saw kids dressed as chickens (like Annie and I were dressed last year). I took a picture. They weren't thrilled.

Saturday started with a good ole Essa Bagel, followed by 2pm day drinking at Bergson's. That is too early to start drinking if you plan on staying out all day and all night. 5 Hours of Drinking games later, five of us decided to go check out the Halloween Parade happening down the block. There were thousands of people watching, how could we get a good spot? We first tried convincing people my sister was sick and lost, and if as a group we yelled "Shane!" we could potentially find her. We had about 20 people at a time yelling my sisters name. She's in Hong Kong.

Then Kyle VH decided we should just get in the parade. Brilliant idea. KVH, Butters and I climbed over the barrier and joined the parade, with thousands of people taking pictures of our every move as we proceeded down 6th Avenue like celebrities. Some Highlights included:

Ugly Scary People



Alice in Wonderland and Dorothy crushing on us



Team Nickelodeon--Me (Quail Man), and the Global Guts Girls +AgroCrag

Over 100 people started doing the Thriller dance in coordination. We somehow ended up in the group, before being escorted away for "not knowing the dance." That's f-ing discrimination. Oh well.




As we walked out of the parade, we took cover from the rain in a store entrance, where we were approached by "Santa Dressed as Michael Jackson." He also happened to be a midget and rode a Segway. Had to take a picture of him and Wilma from the Flinstones, who kissed me on the cheek cuz she liked me.

Rest of the night was anticlamactic. Some bar hopping, some costumes, the usual. But either way, Halloween had it's moments, and I'm glad I was a part of it. Oh, and here's Dino, dressed as a rabbi, as he ran into some other religious folk.

Broncos, Avs, and Nuggets are playing today. I'll be watching all the games with Bob. Go Denver!

Poor guy

I have a few nicknames--Jar bear, Jarzod, J-rod. Nothing too embarrassing, or too exciting.

The Avalanche's newest member, star rookie Matt Duchene (pronounced DEW-shane) isn't so lucky. I didn't want this to be true for him, but it seemed inevitable...

In this article, a fellow rookie TJ Galiardi is quoted saying "I know how 'Footy' took in 'Duch,' and 'Tucks' took in O'Reilly, but it's pretty funny how the guys talk about how Paulie took me in, when we're only two years apart."

He refers to Matt Duchene as "Duch," and I'm pretty sure that's not pronounced "Dutch." Oy. Poor Kid.

I’m not a scam artist, shit just happens for me

I promise, I don’t make up anything I blog. It all actually happens, and I can’t actually explain why. This weekend included a few moments that I don’t understand, but can be simply explained by the manner in which I live my life, or at least how I have since I moved to New York:

Don’t ask “Why?”
Ask “Why Not?”

Nothing happened Friday night because of that whole Swine Flu biznass, but I survived on Slingbox’ing the Avalanche game and Matza ball soup…great combo. Saturday afternoon the fun began, as I told all of our friends that we should go as a group to the NEW YORK CITY DUMPLING Festival.

Yes, it is as absurd as it sounds, a festival devoted to Dumplings from across the world. But I thought, why not? We arrived in the pouring rain, to find the tail end of the festivities. As the Julie, Amy, and Modz waited for tickets, I noticed a crowd in front of the stage. I approached it, and heard “We only have One Dumpling Cookbook left, who wants it?? Ok, I’m going to think of a number between 1 and 50. Yell out what you think it is!”

100 people yelling numbers at once? Come on woman, think with your head. She gave up after a few yells, and thought “fine, whoever’s birthday is closest to today wins it!”

Fuck yah November 4th, way to take me to the Promised Land. I claimed my fat ass cookbook and walked away with pride. I then bought a ticket for some dumplings, but after only getting 3 for 5 dollars, I felt a bit cheated. So, wearing my StreetEasy T-Shirt, I approached the VIP Tent. The woman greeted me, and I said “Wow, so the event went well? I can’t believe I missed my interview set.” She looked down at my t-shirt, and said “Yah, don’t worry, the rain put a bit of a damper on everything. Do you want to come in and have some food anyway even though you weren’t able to cover it?”

Sure. I will eat your free dumplings and Chinese food, because you looked down at my Real Estate Website shirt and thought it must’ve been a fucking food blog. Again, this event isn’t being run by the Oprahs and Hillary Rodhams of the world.

(me with the cookbook and the world's largest whole wheat dumpling, supposedly)

As we leave, I get a call from Ray: come to Orchard and Rivington to get free tickets for a Girl Talk concert. Uh, yes I will do that. We go down there, to find out that in order to get the tickets, we must test-drive a Kia, as it is a secret concert with the only tickets being distributed to Kia test-drivers. We all test drove Kias, got our wristband tickets, and peaced.

Today I woke up and went to Sleepy’s to try to get a better bed, because I bought a cheap one and it’s shit. It was too pricey to exchange, so I went to buy a mattress featherbed pad at Macy’s, found one, and took it to the register. It was too expensive, so I asked about a sale. The Register Woman replied “Naw, Aint no sale less you can find one on da website with the blackberry” (not trying to be racist, just trying to quote her). There was no sale on the site, but when I googled “item blah blah….sale” I found the page where the sale used to be. That page didn’t exist, but I found the cached page, and showed it to her. She bought it, and I saved $70. Booyah. Oh, but I'm returning it cuz it's lumpy.

Girl Talk time comes around 7:00, but is preceded by opening act OJ Juiceman. It was the single worst live concert performance I’ve ever seen. The DJ behind him played rap music, and he would just chime in little “ooh ooh”s like a feminine Lil Jon. Terrible. Didn’t understand a word he said (again, not racist, just didn’t understand him).

All of the sudden I saw some kids running to the front corner. I summoned the group, and we got to the front of the line….TO BE DANCING ON THE STAGE WITH GIRL TALK FOR THE WHOLE CONCERT. It was pretty frickin sick, though he ended up sweating and smelling a bit and we were dancing right next to him.

Summing up the weekend: Free Cookbook, free dumplings and food, free test drive, free concert tickets, $70 from Macy’s, free soda at the concert, free $5 duane reade gift certificate on the street, and Free time spent with friends family and Girl Talk.

And they say New York is expensive...

Hockey and Swine Flu

Swine Flu has come and almost gone, but in the end of the day it wasn't that bad. The fevers and lack of sleep and coughing and all that isn't exactly fun. But sometimes in New York you just need some time to lie down and do nothing, even if you're sweating/shivering through the whole experience. Oh, and thanks to Swine Flu I got to watch a bit more hockey.

There's one thing about hockey that blows my mind even today, a longstanding tradition which few outside the close fans and followers of the game realize:

Many NHL Rookies, often the top of their draft years, will spend their first few years in the league living in the homes of their resident team's veterans.

Let that resonate a bit. A kid gets a minimum $500,000 salary his first year and instead of buying his own condo and Porsche, he will be staying in the guest room of a 36 year old with 2 Seven year-old kids. While some are advised to do this, many do it by choice. Some examples off the top of my head:
-Sidney Crosby, considered by many to be the NHL's best player, lived in his idol and team owner Mario Lemieux's home for the first 3 years of his career.
-Alex Tanguay lived at Patrick Roy's home (hopefully before the whole wife beating thing)
-Avalanche Rookie Matt Duchene--3rd pick overall, in the pic above-- lives in Avalanche Captain Adam Foote's house (See the article here)
-Avalanche Rookie Ryan O'Reilly, also in the pic above, lives in the home of Darcy Tucker (who got a concussion in last night's game, let's hope he's doin ok)

I mean, these kids are making bank. And yet, the priority is learning from the best and growing as a player through the tutelage of a veteran in your early years in the league.

This may not seem too ridiculous, but think about it in other sports-- do you think Michael Crabtree is living in Isaac Bruce's basement right now after he just got that massive contract? Can you picture Blake Griffin staying at Baron Davis' basement taking care of the house and washing his own dishes? Hell No. Blake Griffin don't do no dishes. Neither does Michael Crabtree. Cuz they making too much money to live in someone elses house and do they own dish. You feel?

Anyway, I think I made my point. Hockey players deserve respect, because they are so much more like us. Even if they're making money, they're still doing the dishes. And I identify with that (even if I don't even do them myself...keep up the good work Amy and Ray!)

The East Village

Some times I ask myself, "who lives in the east village? where did they come from and why are they here?" I ask these questions because my neighborhood has such an eclectic assortment of people that I can't figure out how they coexist. We have hipsters, hot girls, young professionals, and best of all, this guy:

He lives on my corner, 14th and 1st. Every day he puts on his headphones and cutoff t shirt (in the summer he's straight up topless) and stands at the corner dancing to his music. When he gets tired of dancing, he lifts up the garbage can on the corner in intervals, his workout for the day. He is a character and a half. I also don't think he's homeless, because he doesn't ask for money. He just dances and lifts garbage.

Today he crossed the road. Yah, I'm as shocked as you are. Halfway across the road, still boppin to his beat, he almost got hit by a gray van (this is the point where I took the picture above). The van stopped just in time, and the driver yelled out his window "Hey be careful! You're gonna get killed!"

My man's response: "Yah so what! I don't care if I die! Kill me!" He then proceeded across the rest of the road slowly, narrowly escaping another crash, dancing the whole time.

Moral of the story: If you're going to be depressed and want to die, be patient, and until that day comes, keep on dancing.



Pretty shitty moral, but oh well. More posts to come soon, havent posted in a while and have since been to a gay strip club, seen Kenneth from 30Rock do improv, and got the Swine Flu. Stay Tuned.

Life without cable but with addiction to TV

Our apartment doesn't currently have cable, yet I can say I am pretty much caught up on all the shows I watch on a regular basis. I don't think that's anything to brag about---it means that even though I sit at a computer all day working for StreetEasy, I find myself also by a computer at night. That's lame-ish. Anyway, here's what I'm watching and why I'm watching it.

Glee- Watching Glee every week reminds me of a special week in February or March of 2006. I was sitting in my freshman dorm room, when I flipped to Disney to try to watch a Boy Meets World rerun, but instead got sucked into some movie with kids lip syncing corny songs to each other. Terrible acting, poor writing, cheap sets---I was hooked. I checked every time it was going to be on, and told all my friends about how amazingly terrible it was. I got made fun of. But that movie was High School Musical, and I had inadvertently seen the premier, making me a "soothsayer" of sorts. I have good intuition about shitty TV/Movies, and when it will become classics. Another example: "From Justin to Kelly" with Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini. Same concept as HSM and Glee, but the dancing seemed a bit forced for a Spring Break atmosphere. It was a flop, as I predicted. Glee is not a flop. It is a bad show, as was HSM. But I love it. And I will continue watching it until Mr Shu figures out his wife isn't actually pregnant and Fin realizes Quin got fucked by his best friend. When that stuff happens, I'm out.

The Office- I watch because it's still good, and it still surprises me. When Andy tore his scrotum last week I laughed. Which begs the question--have you always been able to say scrotum on network tv? Have the rules eased up a bit lately? I was wondering if you are allowed to talk about "anal" without referring to someone being very particular and neurotic, but I just don't know what the rules are anymore. If you have any idea, let me know.

Modern Family- Quote me on this: Modern Family is TV's next great show. It is the next Arrested. It's something about the writing and the characters that gets me excited about watching it. I admit, the mockumentary style for TV shows is getting a bit old, but this show does it with style. It takes the overt racism and sexism and homophobia which we are bombarded by in every TV show and ties it together subtly--and who doesn't love subtle racism sexism and homophobia. Watch the pilot and you'll be hooked: Here it is!

Always Sunny in Philadelphia- They bicker for half an hour at a time. It can get tiring, but the Season 4 finale was too good to give up on the show. And I don't care, because I bicker all the time, which is why I feel like I would fit in on the show. AND Lucas's voice sounds exactly like Charlie's.

Sportscenter- Yah, it's a TV show. I am addicted to the top ten plays. I would stop midway through sex if I heard the top ten was on. Actually, I bet a lot of guys would say that. I would REFUSE sex if I heard the top ten was going to be on at some point. That's love baby.

Boy Meets World- Never gets old. Since I have every season and every episode on DVD, I get to relive my childhood whenever I want. Like the episode where Topanga moves to Pittsburgh. HOW COULD SHE LEAVE CORY? Oh, and by the way the creators must've been psychics or something-- How did they know in season 2 that Cory and Topanga were really going to end up getting married? Yes, I know, it was fully in their control...but still, I'm impressed that Cory kept saying he was going to marry her, and then they actually made it happen 6 seasons/years later.


I'll think of more later. Bed time.

Mishkin Got a Job!

Yes it's true, David Mishkin is employed. Hallelujah.

Only Mishkin would be able to sit around for 3 months, watch TV all day, go out often enough that we would think "you go out pretty often for someone who is unemployed," yet go out so rarely that we would think "you hardly go out for someone who has nothing to do," then find a job with a bankrupt company (Lehman Bros) getting a good salary.

Who knows how it was done, but I wish him a hearty mazel tov. good luck dave.

The End of Rocktober, and the beginning of Bronctober

As I sat with Bob painfully sitting through the Rockies self-destruction in the bottom of the 9th inning last night, I couldn't help but think about how much I both love and hate baseball. Here's the list I put together:

Love:
-The season
When the weather is nice and your team is playing well, nothing is better than sitting outside for a couple of hours taking in a ball game. You can miss an inning or two, because nothing REALLY happens that often, and just take in the fresh air with thousands of other drunk people.

- Denver
Where else can you pay $5 for tickets (Rockpile), get a free beer with your ticket stub at the bar down the block, and then $2 beers for the rest of the night at Lodos?
Think about the math.
One ticket $5
+two beers at the game $6 *2
+hot dog $5
+ one free beer plus free beer from a girl who doesnt drink beer but has a ticket stub $2 (tip)
+2 beers from lodos $5 (including tip)
+ a ride home from a DD or mommy/daddy, if they love you $0
= Dinner, 4+ hours of entertainment, 6 beers, and time spent with your friends (and parents for that drive home) ALL for under thirty bucks.
AND at the last game I got two free Rockies face towels. That saved me a trip to Bed Bath and Beyond. BOOYAH. In New York, $30 gets you one drink at a fancy bar and a slice of pizza. Granted it would have to be a really expensive slice of pizza, but still, you get the point.

- Growing up with a team
I love how you watch players go through the minors, play well, get to the majors, suck, go back down, suck, quit for a bit, switch positions, miraculously get better, make the team, suck, then suck less, then jack a 400 foot homer and get crowned the next Griffey. In the end of the day, you get to watch a team that your team essentially has raised the way a father (or several fathers in the management/ownership context) raises babies. I loved how all of our favorite Rockies were drafted and got us where we were in the playoffs as players from within the organization, not stupid free agent signings to bribe players over for big bucks.

- Camaraderie
Nothing warms me up inside like yelling Tulo's name on repeat between claps next to my best friends, or giving high fives and yelling "Let's go" with random kids wearing Rocktober shirts in bars in NYC. Seriously, I think I hugged more men during baseball season than the straight community would ever accept as standard hetero behavior. Trust me. I hugged a lot of men.

THINGS I HATE

- Division Play
I'm really sick of the way the MLB schedule is set up. I shouldn't have to watch the Dbacks and Padres play my team every other week and wait for the couple weeks a year when I get to see AL teams. It is a proffessional LEAGUE, where the best players in the world come to play, yet each team doesn't get to play against all of this amazing talent. Every other sport at least attempts to give teams and fans an opportunity to see all that the sport has to offer, and I'm supposed to wait until the fucking world series to see how my team fares against the Yankees? I don't like it.

-The Red Sox
I put them first of the two teams I don't like because I not only don't like them as a team, but I don't like them as a people. Red Sox nation is full of unhappy ugly people who deserved to lose because they sit around thinking their team is superior to the world, giving stats about why they're so good, without noticing that other teams exist. Even though they are already out of the playoffs, F the Red Sox.

-The Yankees
I may take this back. Hell, if I could spend $200 Million to make my team fucking sweet, I would. But I don't have $200 Million. And if I did, I wouldn't pay other people to play baseball; I'd give some money to charity, make sure WashU built a new gym and gave more scholarships, and ski every day for a long time. And I'd take everything that Mastercard has said "there are some things money can't buy" and try to buy it. That would be a fun project.

-Losing
We lost. I'm sad. Losing blows, especially when you had the lead with 2 outs in the 9th. I now know how the Cubs feel every year all year.

Now the season is over, and it's time to move on. Luckily, the Avs are playing really well, and the Broncos are 5-0, hence the new hot word "Bronctober." I think I like writing about sports, so I'll have more, shorter posts about my thoughts in the future. Until then, Happy Belated Canadian Thanksgiving!

Laundry

I bought boxers. I put them in the laundry. Now they fit like briefs. I am upset because I didn't buy briefs, I bought boxers, and now I'm wearing briefs cuz stuff from Cosco shrinks. Sort of a bummer.

Big post coming tonight about my thoughts on Colorado Sports. Get hyped.

Only in NY...Blowup Doll as a Babysitter

Hugging Maeby Funke

A couple of amusing things:

Great convo from last night between Mitch, His fiance's brother Cliff (who is gay and delightful), and me:
Jared: "If you had to quit one, would you quit snowboarding or sex?"
Mitch: "Sex...but does anal count?"
Jared: "I guess it's not REALLY sex so..."
Cliff: "Heyyyy watch it!"

We were all dying of laughter. Good stuff.

After dinner, we went to the SNL studio, as Rich had tickets (but none for us). While waiting at the front, we saw Jon Hamm from Mad Men, the bartender guy from True Blood, Jimmy Fallon (tapped me on the shoulder to get by and i didnt notice...he was so gentle), Evan Mendes, the pirate guy from Dodgeball, and THEN, Alia Shawkat, who plays Maeby from Arrested. I told her I thought she was fucking hysterical, and she hugged me. I told her about my plan with luke to write the movie, and she told me to "send it to Mitch (hurvitz)." Ok, sounds like a plan.

THEN Mr. S from Glee showed up. I told him I fucking loved his show, and he smiled. What a smile, I could never lie to that smile the way his wife does about being fake pregnant. Geez.

My Nephew's HW assignment....

What happens when you blog at 2am...

The post below is an example of what happens when you blog at 2am. I mean, I didn't blog for a while, and I came back with that? Seriously?

things from last night that were amusing:
- The guy outside the Cobra Starship shoot was talking to me about why he was mad at the girls. Here's how the convo went:

Him: "I mean, she said she worked for Ahmed. No WAY she worked for Ahmed. Do you know Ahmed?"
me: "uhh of course"
Him: "Yah, like no FUCKING WAY she worked for Ahmed!" (proceeds to give me a high five)

...who the fuck is Ahmed?


- That same guy was talking about someone in the band being brilliant and going to Columbia. I didn't really catch the name but I thought I had, so I approached him, tapping him on the shoulder to get his attention.

"Ryan?"
"No, my name is Ryland."

Shit. Not a good start.

"Well anyway, just wanted to say I've heard you are a brilliant guy. And that you're really talented. So Congrats."
"Thanks."

I felt bad at the time for being so awkward and not knowing his name. Then I looked him up on Wikipedia.
He went to Florida State (is that considered the Columbia of the Sunshine State?)

More exciting: 5-4 Rockies or 3-2 Big Bangers?

Tonight was a big night. The Rockies won to tie the NLDS at 1 game apiece...but they already had the lead in the 9th and didn't lose it. They won the old fashioned way, having a lead and maintaining it through the end of the ballgame, no biggie.

NOT SO MUCH WITH THE BIG BANGERS. Yes, our kickball team had the lead in the bottom of the 9th, but a double by some white guy on the other team led to a tie ball game going into extra innings.

It was intense. A playoff atmosphere. And when Bergson kicked a single to bring home Modz's friend Amelia, anarchy broke loose. I can honestly say this was the most exciting sporting event I've been a part of in years, so YAY that we won.

As far as the rest of the night goes, we all went to a bar nearby and took over, with two tables of beer pong and plenty of random karaoke singers surrounding us. After a couple hours there and people trickling in and out, I left alone, to find myself outside of a chic club with a guy named DeShawn and a girl named Shawnda....no relation, i promise, i asked.

I went in by pretending to be "a friend of Bergson," who is not only not a big shot, but wasn't even at the bar or had ever heard of it. Ha, i don't know how that worked, but I only stayed for 2 minutes. I walked out to a tall blonde kid who freaked out when he saw me. I guess we went to Washu together, but i had no recollection of who he was. I just kept calling him bud or bro, which worked like a charm. I hate my frickin borderline alzheimers, i really wish i remembered him.

Next, I walked down avenue A until I ran into a bunch of cameras and lights flashing. I was guessing some sort of photo shoot, then i noticed two girls arguing with a guy. I didn't like his attitude. So I stood up to him on their behalf. They liked that. I'm a mench. He sort of sucked, but after they left, we talked for a while, and he likes StreetEasy. That's what I like to hear.

jared, out

Clever Lyrics

http://hypem.com/track/925598/Wale+ft+Lady+Gaga+-+Chillin+METERHEAD+REMIX+

"I got the right to be cocky
Get so much cut disc jockeys jock me...
You N**** mad cause you not me
I remain a GIANT while your Jeremy Shockey "

clever. i like it.

When did I get attractive? DID I get attractive at all?

My whole life I've been told I look like either Frankie Muniz or Gene Wilder.





I never saw the resemblance in either of them. And they weren't exactly complements. However, in the past 6 months I've gotten more confident in my looks due to new comparisons I've been made aware of.

First, in Israel Tomer told me I look like Clive Owen. Then, last night, Tigh from Online Marketing Group (OMG for short) told me I look like Jake Gyllenhal.





I don't see it. But my confidence is much higher than it was when people called me "Frankie."

I've aged significantly in the past 2 days

Yesterday wasn't exactly a good day. I got a call around 10 that we didn't get the apartment we applied for, which was the perfect place in the perfect location with the perfect couch, yada yada yada. Anyway, during my phone conversation with the real estate broker, I found myself trying to frame my situation by saying:

"I should've kept looking for other places. You can't put all your eggs in one basket."
and
"I guess I shouldn't have assumed I would get the place. You can't count your chickens before they hatch."

When did I turn 50? And what's with this obsession with chickens? New York really has fucked me up.

Having a reckless friend makes life that much funnier

While a lot has happened over the last week or so, I figured it would be more fun to only post two stories about my friend Sam Zuber this week. Sam is an amazing person, but two things he did set him apart from anyone I've ever met and show me why I love him. Even people who don't know him will fall in love based on these stories. Here goes.

Story 1: Friday night, we are at the bar on the roof of the Rivington Hotel at around 3 am. Bob and I are on the dance floor having a good time when we pull out the classic "ball game." For those who are unfamiliar with this phenomenon, the "ball game" involves pretending like you are holding a ball and rolling it around your body on the dance floor, "passing" it to your friend in absurd manners whenever you feel like you have exhausted your creative juices. It seems stupid, but it's a great way to communicate to a girl that you have a sense of humor without ever even saying a word. Whatever.

Bob and I were communicating well, and a random girl was succumbing to our initiatives to the point where it looked like Bob had a chance. Bob and I had some telepathy going and started a mini baseball game, and he threw me a fake ball, which i "hit." Sam, out of nowhere, jumps out of the crowd to try to catch it (note that he wasn't even involved in the game at this point). In doing so, he spills the girl's drink all over her and literally knocks her to the floor. We would've been mad, but I'm pretty sure his response was "hey, I caught it!"
Ridiculous.

Story 2: It's sunday night, and I'm sitting on the couch where I currently reside. Sam calls me. Here's how the phone call goes:

"Jared, did you watch the VMA's?"
"No Sam, why do you ask?"
" Ok, so here's what happened. They were doing best female video, and the nominees were Kelly Clarkson, Taylor Swift (lists the nominees, because they were clearly relevant for the story). And guess who won? Taylor Swift! So she's giving her speech, and then this RANDOM BLACK GUY runs on the stage and takes her mic from her!"
"What?"
"Yah! He just starts talking about how Beyonce should have won! It was crazy!"
"Wait, who was this guy?"
"I don't know, just some random black guy who must have been on drugs or something."


The fact that Kanye West is one of possibly the 15 most recognizable African Americans in the world of entertainment. Gotta love Sam.

Speaking of Kanye, at the Owl City concert last night (which was AMAZING. this song was sick and the opening DJ, Unicorn Kid, was awesome) Taylor Swift showed up--the pic is below. I convinced a 15 year old kid next to me to start a "Fuck Kanye" chant, which didn't exactly pick up, and actually was picked up in the blog I mentioned in this morning's post...don't ask how i found that. I'm just a wizard with internet crap.

Overall, having fun in NYC, applied for a great apt at 13th and 1st today with some good roommates, so hopefully it works out. Go Rockies!

I'm famous! Sorta.

http://twitter.com/harvilla/status/4018646803

Yah, me kmodz and rachael convinced a kid next to us to start that chant....and I found this link on a music blog today. Ha. More stories to come.

Homeless Wisdom

While walking to lunch, a homeless man on a stoop looked at me and yelled

"Hey! If a woman is 20 years old and not married..."

(pausing, thinking about it)

"Then shes a Lesbian."


Oh, New York.

The Best Part of Last Night

I realized that I didn't even document my favorite part of last night in my most recent blog. It deserves some attention, because it was amazing.

As I walked into the bar, I noticed that there were a lot of pretty women. Most were looking at whomever they were talking to...but one girl was staring right at me while talking to another guy. Was there something on my face? Did she know me? I was intrigued.

She proceeded to approach me, and, smiling, exclaimed "Oh my G-d! You're the guy from Cash Cab!!!"

I'm not the guy from Cash Cab. And I've never been on Cash Cab. But I like to lie. The rest of the convo went as follows:

Her: "Yah, you were on Cash Cab this afternoon!"
Me: "....Holy shit, you saw that?? How embarrassing..."
Her: "You were amazing! I can't believe I'm meeting you!"
Me: "I just wish I had done a little better"
Her: "What?? You made $1300!"
Me: "I know, but it could have been more."
Her: "Are you kidding? That was amazing. You were like 'trapeeeeeeeze!' Wow. I can't believe I'm meeting you" (then, walking away slowly) "trapeeeeeze! hahaha"

That was amazing. I'm a celebrity.

Playing Ping Pong with Adrian Grenier

Before I start, I thought I should mention that it is 4:00 am and I am blogging. That's called dedication...or I just have a feeling that I won't remember what happened tonight in the morning. Nevermind that last thought, let's just give the credit to dedication.

The night started at Bergson's, where none of us won the $330 Million Lottery...weird. I thought we had it in the bag. Either way, we ended up heading downtown to a bar that Carolyn had a friend at. Had no expectations until I approached the bar, and, looking to my right, realized I was standing next to the one and only Vinny Chase, Adrian Grenier. AND he was talking to Susan Sarandon. Crazy! I was tripping out. I admit, it would have been cooler if she had looked like a cool celebrity, but I will say that if I hadn't know she was Susan Sarandon I would have assumed she was a stoned hobo who wanted my spare change. Clean up your act Suze, you look like a female Richard Simmons. No Offense.

We played a bunch of Ping Pong next to Vinny/Adrian, who I offered the next game on our table to. He respectfully declined, though I have a feeling he never would have played me in the first place because he's just too damn famous to play ping pong against a paddled stud like me. Again, this is the 4am talking. I suck at ping pong, but he seemed to as well, it would have been a great match. Too Bad.

Left the place to meet friends from B-right, who decided as a group that we would get Artichoke Pizza. The line was wayyy out the door, so I thought I would pretend I was cool and see if I could sneak to the front. When I got there, Glassman was second in line, and he got us 4 slices. What a man. I seemed cool for having the speedy pizza hook up, and Glassman finally seemed like a gentleman for doing a good deed for us. What a man.


Great Friday night, hope the rest of the weekend stays as fun. Happy Saturday.