It's 2AM and I can't sleep because I just watched a pirated version of The Blind Side and it's got me thinking. Wait, that's a lie, I can't sleep because Ben just came home with a girl and a thing of garlic knots, so I ate those (the garlic knots) and decided to write about my favorite memories from the last decade. Here they are, enjoy!
2000:
8th grade; my Bar Mitzvah year. For those who weren't in attendance, my Bar Mitzvah took place at the top of Vail, and was the bomb diggity. Here are the good and bad parts of the event:
Good
-We stayed in a hotel at the base of the mountain, and our suite had its own hot tub. Somehow, Bob, Lorne and I were in it and convinced Megan L, Elyse, and Marisa to take off their bathing suits. I didn't even have pubic hair, and I was already making girls take their shirts off. Go me.
-The party was tons of fun, including Scott the typical Bar Mitzvah DJ and his dancers, one of whom was a Broncos cheerleader and flirted with me. Looking back, she probably wasn't flirting with me and was just being nice because we paid her to dance, but at least she made me happy (I just re-read that sentence and realized my dad was sending me terrible messages when I was a child. Oh well).
Bad
-I told my parents that I wanted to hang out with my friends during the day instead of skiing with my family. Now I live in New York, and would do anything to be skiing with my family. Bad choice, me.
- We felt bad for all the kosher kids who were coming up from my class at school, so instead of just using the caterers in Vail, my mom had special Kosher food brought up. Guess what? The Kosher motherfuckers brought their own food, even though they knew that my mom had the food delivered special for them. Fuck that, I would have loved me some shrimp and lobster the day I became a man, but I settled for strictly dairy to appease Lisa Greenstein. Booooo.
-Shane and Becky caught us in the hot tub when the girls took their shirts off, but didn't actually see anything, only hearing us through the door. They told our parents that we were playing strip poker, which we got in trouble for. Strip poker? Really Shane? We were in a fucking hot tub! We didn't have cards! I got in trouble at my own Bar Mitzvah for something I didn't even do!
-Shauna and Devra sing a remix of the "Only Gay Eskimo Song" to the new lyrics of "Only Boy with 2 Moles." I become a man, and then I sink into my seat as I realize that for the rest of my life I'm still gonna get shit for these fucking beauty marks. At least they give me character.
2000 in sports:
Tiger wins 3 majors, Ray Bourque gets traded to the Avs, The Nuggets trade Chauncey away and suck, the Broncos lose Elway and Mile High Stadium, the Rockies trade Dante Bichette so we all know the Blake St. Bomber days are over, and I peak as a three point shooter for the RMHA Middle School Basketball team.
2000 in love:
I exchange altoids with Sarah Lipsitz, this being my first time using tongue during a kiss. My obsession with Devra Feld is nearing its end, as she has begun flirting with Jules and I might as well concede the battle (he did become an Israeli soldier after all). I'm still sort of shy, so not much love in my life overall, though I was introduced to paperback hardcore porn for the first time via my first BBYO event.
Stay tuned for my update on what happened in 2001!
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