Singing Spice girls is straight if other straight guys are singing with you

I guess I never finished my stories about the rest of thursday night. Here goes!

We got back to our camp site, which looked like it was hoppin in the 70's but had gone through a bunch of wars and bad weather. So, there were bottles everywhere, and even some extra pairs of dirty socks from the 80's! I brought some socks that I had bought at target, so I didn't take any new ones. We wanted to buy drinks from the bar near the beach, which seemed ok from afar, but upon closer review turned out to be a makeshift dog shelter, with Labs and retrievers sleeping all over the floor. We rang the bell for the guy who worked there, before noticing that he was next to the bar doing lines of coke. I now understand why he overcharged us for beer-- he needed coke money. Respectable.

After we set up tents and relaxed on the beach in the sunset, we built a fire and started the festivities. Ollie cooked hamburgers, which tasted so much better just because he had put his virgingirl20 effort into it (see below for the explanation). Adir came up with his guitar, so obviously we jammed out to some sweet beats: the typical save tonight, michelle branch, backstreet boys tracks-- ya know, real camp songs. People kept saying "omg jared, you have a good voice." They must have been really drunk, as I have listened to recordings of my own voice and I'm sure that I don't have a good voice. but it was a good confidence boost nonetheless.

I woke up in the morning and found out that the following things had happened: We had a dance party until around 4 in the morning, I had deep talks on the beach with Adir and Chelsea, and I ended up in a tent alone with 2 hotties. It was so good that I had no recollection of it. Hmmm. But I do remember when a moth fell in Faith's drink. What a waste, moths just have no manners nowadays.

I was made fun of in the morning for having sung "Wannabe" by spice girls, "Blue" by Eiffel 65, and "Get down" by b4-4 at the top of my lungs. And yet, looking at pictures, it seems everyone knew the words and thought it was cool. So, it was cool AND straight.

The ride back to Jerusalem was fun, and it was soooo Israel. Halfway through the arab territories we were forced to pull over for about 10 minutes-- a herd of goats needed to cross the roads. Dem A-rabs need to build some pedestrian walks for their goats or something, a bridge maybe. I just dont have time for this shit.


Shabbat dinner at Adir/Matan's was amazing as always. It's never a bad thing when there are 20 people over, and a guy girl ratio of about 7 to 13. Thats 6 extra girls for our viewing pleasure! Do you think it made us more manly?

Heck no. Actually, we ended up singing Disney songs on the porch, all of which were sung beautifully by DanDan and harmonized by Adir, who may be the only straight disney song harmonizer in the country. Half asleep, he would wake up to put a new tone to "can you feel the love tonight?" I was impressed.

The night was an obvious success when some of our friends went to sleep with girls, and DanDan and I watched mature porn. It was gross. Israelis watch some weird shit. I would've been fine with an episode of Boy Meets World.


All is good here in herz right now. I'll be in Italy this weekend if anyone wants to come, or is already there.

Def worth blogging about

I find that every time I have an absurd weekend, it is outdone by the weekend after it. I can't see the past two nights being outdone. So here goes.

Thursday was supposed to be a nice day of hiking in the North, followed by a nice night of camping on the beach of the Kinneret. I was supposed to meet Team Canada and some others at around 10:00am in Tiberias, about 2.5 hours away from me. That means I would have to be awake at 7ish, take a bus alone then meet them there right away. Yay! Simple Plan (not the band, the situation), right?

I got to Tiberias at 10:30 to find out that the rest of the crew hadn't even left Jerusalem. So I was stranded at the bus station for about 2 hours, alone with a copy of Don Quixote. I started reading it, and I felt like it was only proper to read it while listening to the theme song to "Gladiator" on repeat. This got lame after about 5 minutes, so I hit on the Israeli Soldier next to me instead (who happens to know the Hirsch family, both Danish, small world).
Eventually, some people showed up, and we rented a car to drive to the campsite. I got to drive it back to pick up the rest of the crew at the bus station. Yah, I drove in Israel. I even acted like an Israeli driver and honked at everything I saw, including a seagull that was bothering me.

Its 3:30 pm by now, so we decided to go straight to the hike. It was closed! But would we settle? NO WAY JOSE.
So I walked through the closed gate to find someone who worked there, and I proceeded to make up a story about Matan losing his wallet on the hike, and he would not survive a day without his drivers license and credit card. I am an awesome actor, cuz they let us all in. We started the hike pretending to be looking for the wallet we hadn't lost, and after about 20 minutes of nothing but cows and fields, we turned around. This is where it got AWESOME.

We ran into a crying Arab woman with her equally sad mother. She borrowed my cell phone, and upon hanging up told us she was lost. Then she started hitting on Ollie. She asked him for his name 4 times and wouldn't stop asking for his e-mail address. He said that he didn't own a computer, but wanted to know her e-mail. She spelled out:

V-I-R-G-I-N-G-I-R-L-20@gmail.com

We made her repeat this several times, took some pictures with her, and left. Was the adventure over? F no. She started chasing after our car. We stopped, and she said, panting, "this is for you" and handed Ollie a brand new Germany World Cup soccer hat that she bought for him. He looks like a champ in it. Look at it!


I will blog about the rest of the weekend later, k! Don't hate on me, I need to go out for girl roommate's birthday.






Side Note: Is it ok to drink Vodka and Emergen-C? Do they compliment each other or counter act each other? I figure I will boost my immune system with the C, and boost my confidence with the alcohol. Sounds good.

I'm a paintballer

Last night we went paintballing with a couple Tel Aviv kids. Good group, seemed like it was going to be a great time. Yay! Shooting paint bullets at people! I thought I would get a good glimpse of what army life would be like.

The lesson I ended up learning from last night was that I don't think the army is for me. I got shot in the head a couple of times, and it stung like mad. And that was with paint. Imagine a real bullet! I'm guessing it would hurt at least 3x more. Also, it was dark, so I couldn't really see where I was shooting my gun. So that's my excuse for not going on mad paint-killing sprees like I would have if it was light out.

If there is a draft in Canada or America and they need me for the army reaaallly badly, I think I will volunteer for a real estate division, or maybe a sports management infantry. I think those roles fit me better than the front lines with guns and shit.

I Promise, I am OK

I've heard it many a time----- who actually cares to read your blog jared? is it worth reading? who actually gives a crap about the stuff you do?

Well, I'm not actually sure. But I know this; Art and Joanne Kleinstein are avid blog readers (hi mom and dad!). So you can imagine their fear when they read posts about me getting kicked in the face.

Well, my face is healing. I can't chew that well on stuff, but then again I couldn't chew well when I had my wisdom teeth out (and we decided that was a good thing). So have no fear, I am ok.


BUT, overall I'd say I had my best weekend in Israel yet. Everything felt so perfect, from the weather to the people to the activities. I mean, its march. I shouldn't be on the beach in 95 degree weather. What have I done to deserve this? I haven't cured any diseases, won any national championships (what what yay for WashU) and I haven't settled down and married a nice jewish woman or had cute kids with her yet. I guess I have time to do these things. So until then, I will be appreciating this sweet ass life and hoping that I don't mess it up.

Look at picture!
That's me watching the championship game last night. I was happy, even though my facial expression in the picture screams out "constipated" or "did someone download porn onto this computer?"



K bye!

i got kicked in the face

FIRST OF ALL, CONGRATS TO THE NATIONAL CHAMPION WASHINGTON UNIVERSITY BEARS. fuck yah ty, sean, at, fuck troy ruths, dob, zk, rk, the whole gang. My night was amazing solely because I knew that my boys had really done it. Im so proud.


But the reason im posting is because of what happened later. We were walking back from the bars, and we were playin the "push people into each other to see if we can start a fight" game. It was working until jules pushed me into a guy over some stairs. I tripped on the stairs, an upon falling on the ground, was kicked in the face several times. i can't bite without absurd pain. and my thigh hurts. But at least he's scared of me, cuz im mad intimidating and i hit him back.

The truth is, im a lover not a fighter, and i don't plan on playing the "start a fight" game again for a while....until next week. happy purim

I completely forgot a story!

Last night I figured out what my best quality when drinking is:

I was at the Purim party, and they were doing a charity thing for Sderot. I was only supposed to give 5 shekels for a bag of candy and stuff to support solidarity in the rocket-ravaged city. Well, in my slightly inebriated state, I decided that it was best to give 25 shekels, completely unnecessarily, without even taking the candy. I am such a good guy. But now I am broke, and I blame it on charity.

I have friend who can lactate

We were on the beach in Tel Aviv yesterday, and my life was changed forever. I stood by the water with one of my good friends, who will remain nameless, talking about life and our bodies. He started squeezing his nipples, and to my surprise a drip of breast milk was released. I started screaming and backing away (right now I would use an analogy to describe what it felt like, such as "backed away like a school girl who sees a spider on her desk," but I feel like saying "i screamed like someone who saw a man lactate" does the trick in itself). He only did it once, but our relationship will never be the same.

Oh yah, and tessa barlet ruined my purim. i left a great party to visit her at 3am, and spent 120 shekels on the travel, just to see her with a group of 5 guys bein typical tessa. what a beehotch.

Blind Waiters and Maturity

Tonight I learned a lot about myself. We went to a restaurant called "Blackout," which was just a bit different from places where I have eaten in the past.

Blackout is a pitch black restaurant, where you can't even see your hand in front of your face. The idea is that you experience the life of the blind, and did we ever experience it. We couldn't see our food, but it was probably the most delicious meal I've had in years. We could eat with our hands, lick the bowls, do anything, and no one could see us. Had I been with a girl, it may have been a lot more fun. Just cuz I could get away with bad manners without her knowing, of course. I ain't no perve.

Speaking of perves and people we went with: Kahan brought his younger brother and a one of his younger brother's friends. That's fine. But not when the younger brother's friend brings his younger brother and his younger brother's friends. So, we were with 15 year olds. THEY SUCKED. I now realize how much I've grown up, and how I actually got something out of this night, whereas they would make farting noises and laugh because no one could see who did it. They ruined my blind experience. Jerks.

Weird stuff happens on buses

I got on the Sherut (mini bus thing, cheaper than cab and quicker than standard bus) from Jerusalem to Tel Aviv yesterday, and I sat down next to a man with slick back curly hair, a broad chest, and jeans that were pretty much the same color as mine (what a small world!).

He seemed ok, he smiled and gave me his money to pay the driver. Ok, he's normal. The he started talking in Arabic. Still normal maybe, just Arab, right? I was really tired, so I started a bit of a nap. When I woke up were almost in Tel Aviv, but his leg was rubbing mine back and forth, and he was staring deep into my eyes as if to say "beddee Yak" (the arabic translation for "I want you", I just googled it). It was really creepy. But hey, if it never happens again, at least I can say that I was once thigh fucked by an arab near Tel Aviv and survived the whole thing.

Frustration release....then the weekend

Before I tell stories about the weekend, I thought I would mention how angry I am right now. I left Jerusalem at 6ish this morning, knowing that when I came back to Herzliya there would be a bed, pillow, and sheets waiting for me. But as I walked into my room, I saw that there was already another man in my bed, and he didn't have thick eyebrows and moles on his face. No, some rando kid (i assume one of my roommate's brother's friends) is sleeping in my bed, using my blanket to mummify himself. I assume he is doing this in an effort to stay warm and turn me off from ever using it again. So now I am lying on our pleather couch listening to screaming preschoolers next door, tired, hung over, and feeling guilty because I just broke the toilet and now it won't flush. At least I used it before I broke it.

Onto what went down this weekend:

Thursday night Grace and I went into Jerusalem to introduce her to Jules and the gang. They seemed to like her, or they were just distracted by her chest and couldn't tell me otherwise. We threw a pre-party in Jules' apartment, which lasted way later than planned, to the point that it wasn't even worth going to bars after. The highlight of the night was DEFINITELY my wingman efforts for adir....again.

Grace and I are sitting on the couch watching Adir flirt with a girl. I thought it was necessary to speed up his game, so i said "hey Adir, truth or dare. actually, you have no choice, dare. I dare you to kiss courtney on the lips." They looked at each other, and decided that it was best to not chicken out (that would be embarrassing, we're over 20, we can play a game of truth or dare like real adults) so they kissed. Cute! Then I said "say it to us" and so he said "truth or dare" and I said "dare, I dare myself to make out with grace." So we made out. OBVS Adir couldn't let me show him up, so we dared him to match us. They did. Then, without us daring them to, they left the apartment. I am like that matchmaker from Fiddler on the Roof, but I don't have songs about me, I just get high fives and mad props.

The bagel breakfast the next day was average, but the ruggaleh from the shuk were unbelievable. We devoured the two boxes within the day.

We did Shabbat dinner at Adir's. Good crew, good times, but most of the fun revolved around Butters. I guess he was high, because I have never seen someone so quiet and happy for such a long period of time. He didn't say a word until after the meal, but was laughing non stop at everything that happened. It was a great confidence boost for me, feelin like my humor was being appreciated. But then he laughed at Grace's jokes, so we know that something was wrong (ooh!). On his way to the bathroom, he knocked over the entire food table and wine and drinks and everything. It would have been more amusing had he not refused to clean it up.

Once Grace left, we started watching high quality movies: Annie, Mary Poppins, and The Day after Tomorrow. Good Stuff!

I haven't watched TRL in years!

Before I write a post about the past week since I gave grace pink eye via my own saliva, I thought I would share a quick thought.

Just watched MTV's Total Request Live for the first time since 8th grade when it was the cool thing to watch after boy meets world. Taylor Swift performed, she has a song called "teardrops on my guitar" and it's pretty good. But I thought that she would suck live. It turns out she was awesome, and I decided she is the Dave Matthews of 17 year old girl singers. Its quite a turn on (not the 17 year old thing).


congrats to WU basketball, keep up the good work tonight boys.

Why would I be drooling in Grace's eye?

Grace woke up this morning with a swollen eye and in a lot of pain. What happened? I don't have pink eye, who gave it to her? IS IT PINK EYE?

Last night grace was jetlagged and lying in bed. I thought the only proper thing to do would be to jump on top of the poor tired lady and try to wake her up. "Get up girl, get up" I called into the night, and as she slowly opened her eyelids, my next sentence was interrupted by a quick drool sesh. So, it turns out that Grace doesn't have pink eye, but rather has some sort of infection from my saliva. WebMD does not have a remedy for Drooleye. We will be going homeopathic.

Fresh stuff is better than not fresh stuff

G-race came to Israel yesterday. Because we are such an image conscious couple, we have done nothing but eat for the past two days. Highlights include: fresh white chocolate ice cream (with white choc flakes) with a chaser of ruggaleh and cookies, fresh falafel that tasted like Zeus himself had been hungry and cooked himself some hand made Israeli food, and some delish italian food that reminded me of the Milan countryside. I've never been to Milan, but I bet their gnocchi is similar.

I've been gettin all black and shizz from all the sunshine. I don't want tanlines cuz it's a turn off when i see them on girls and I don't want girls to be turned off by me. I need to be an on turner, so I will attempt to avoid tanlines with more topless tanning on the roof and maybe some girly tanning lotion if I really need to impress a teacher for a grade.

Mom and dad, if you are reading this, I will be going to class this week. If you are not reading this, I will not be going to class and will rely on my natural brain strength to survive grade-wise. I will show the graceface a good time then she'll peace out and I'll resume my life as a good student and a playa in the girl community.

Where ya from in Jamaica mon? NEAR DA BEACH

Went blading to the beach today. I found out that there's a bike path to the beach, so I don't have to blade down the busy highway anymore. That's a relief. But still, whenever I do rollerblade on the street, I get honked at. You have 20 feet on either side of you, there's plenty of room for a lanky rollerblader. Why honk then swear at me in Hebrew? It's just rude.

The beach confused me today. We sat down, it was 80ish and sunny, and i saw bikinis everywhere. But for every girl that was potentially cute there was a clearly 14ish year old girl with her. We later figured out that we were on a notoriously high school-run beach, and I was so weirded out by my inadvertent pedophilic emotions that I had an ice cream and left the beach immediately. I will only look at girls that I am sure are over 18 for the rest of my life, I promise.

Wedding Quotes

I'm not gonna check spell check, suffer with me. Spell check is for doodie heads. i am not one cuz i was at a weedding and it was way sweeter than not a wedding.

Night starts when we get to the wedding with hava and ahan (hava looked beautiful, red dress and all). i thought it would be all jewish. NOT. we started where we asked for vodka tonic and they said "all we have right now is Jager and Cuervo." Bad start.

So 5 shots of jager in, the wedding started. it ended real fast, they walked in to hebrew techno music, it was amazing. I would've been grinding on the air and dancing to the crazy tunes but.....
we ran into: my cousin, baruch (great guy) with his mom, Our 7th grade geography teacher mrs guth, our 8th grade algebra teacher shapir, the whole zipp family, jackie siegels mom, and i felt like i was at a wedding in denver minus the mountains and people speaking in english.

At some point, Nechama Zipper (who ended up with kahann ahhhhhh) gave me a video camera. I pretended to not be taping while i asked "hey nechama, what would you say if you werent on camera?" she said "penis" and her orthodox parents are for sure going to see it tomorrrow.



The night ended with kahan saying "why the fuck can't I type 'mazel tov' on t9?"


happy friday

A-rabs with J-red

The other night Liat brought over a bunch of her friends. So, it was 5 Jews (two of which had been in the Israeli army) and 5 arabs. It would've been perfect numbers for a basketball game, but they would've been bigger and stronger so I didn't challenge them.

It was a little intimidating at first, one had a red scarf straight out of "24." But eventually, it was very eye opening. They were great guys, I'd have them back at my apartment in a second. But it's scary that if it came down to war, neither side would flinch in killing each other. Oy, Israel's messed up.
On a lighter note, on of the arab guys was a rapper and told me to listen to his myspace page. I'm sure it was sweet, but I couldn't understand a thing he said. Then again, I couldn't understand Soulja Boy for a long time, so I have to give this guy some cred for having a catchy beat.

Played basketball last night. It's sort of tough to play with Israelis when you have to call out picks in hebrew. So when someone says "Yamina" I have to translate and think "Oh shit, pick right" and by that time it looks like he's schooled me. Yah, that's what I'll do the rest of the semester, blame my poor basketball play on Israel and Hebrew.

Tonight is Tali's brother Ari's wedding. That should be fun, Hava and I will probably drink until we think it's Tali's wedding, and we'll start congratulating her and avoid the real bride and groom. Stories will come soon.

Girl Roommate

We're sittin around talking, and I read out loud a question from one of our pledges:
"What would you name your penis and why?"

Immediately, Liat said "princess leah," and not about my penis, but rather about hers. Girl rooommates are f-ed up, man.

I fell while rollerblading

Well, we all knew I was going to crash eventually. Rollerblading is dangerous, especially if you go fast with reckless abandon. I was flying down a hill pretending to be skiing (i even imagined the poles in my hands), when I hit a wet spot and smacked my face on the pavement. Looking back, it would've been more badass if I had really gotten hurt, but all I got was a scraped knee and a cut on my nose that looks like a pimple. I'm embarrassed. Don't worry though, I won't quit blading. Well.....good talk.

What is Meatloaf trying to say?

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