Poor guy

I have a few nicknames--Jar bear, Jarzod, J-rod. Nothing too embarrassing, or too exciting.

The Avalanche's newest member, star rookie Matt Duchene (pronounced DEW-shane) isn't so lucky. I didn't want this to be true for him, but it seemed inevitable...

In this article, a fellow rookie TJ Galiardi is quoted saying "I know how 'Footy' took in 'Duch,' and 'Tucks' took in O'Reilly, but it's pretty funny how the guys talk about how Paulie took me in, when we're only two years apart."

He refers to Matt Duchene as "Duch," and I'm pretty sure that's not pronounced "Dutch." Oy. Poor Kid.

I’m not a scam artist, shit just happens for me

I promise, I don’t make up anything I blog. It all actually happens, and I can’t actually explain why. This weekend included a few moments that I don’t understand, but can be simply explained by the manner in which I live my life, or at least how I have since I moved to New York:

Don’t ask “Why?”
Ask “Why Not?”

Nothing happened Friday night because of that whole Swine Flu biznass, but I survived on Slingbox’ing the Avalanche game and Matza ball soup…great combo. Saturday afternoon the fun began, as I told all of our friends that we should go as a group to the NEW YORK CITY DUMPLING Festival.

Yes, it is as absurd as it sounds, a festival devoted to Dumplings from across the world. But I thought, why not? We arrived in the pouring rain, to find the tail end of the festivities. As the Julie, Amy, and Modz waited for tickets, I noticed a crowd in front of the stage. I approached it, and heard “We only have One Dumpling Cookbook left, who wants it?? Ok, I’m going to think of a number between 1 and 50. Yell out what you think it is!”

100 people yelling numbers at once? Come on woman, think with your head. She gave up after a few yells, and thought “fine, whoever’s birthday is closest to today wins it!”

Fuck yah November 4th, way to take me to the Promised Land. I claimed my fat ass cookbook and walked away with pride. I then bought a ticket for some dumplings, but after only getting 3 for 5 dollars, I felt a bit cheated. So, wearing my StreetEasy T-Shirt, I approached the VIP Tent. The woman greeted me, and I said “Wow, so the event went well? I can’t believe I missed my interview set.” She looked down at my t-shirt, and said “Yah, don’t worry, the rain put a bit of a damper on everything. Do you want to come in and have some food anyway even though you weren’t able to cover it?”

Sure. I will eat your free dumplings and Chinese food, because you looked down at my Real Estate Website shirt and thought it must’ve been a fucking food blog. Again, this event isn’t being run by the Oprahs and Hillary Rodhams of the world.

(me with the cookbook and the world's largest whole wheat dumpling, supposedly)

As we leave, I get a call from Ray: come to Orchard and Rivington to get free tickets for a Girl Talk concert. Uh, yes I will do that. We go down there, to find out that in order to get the tickets, we must test-drive a Kia, as it is a secret concert with the only tickets being distributed to Kia test-drivers. We all test drove Kias, got our wristband tickets, and peaced.

Today I woke up and went to Sleepy’s to try to get a better bed, because I bought a cheap one and it’s shit. It was too pricey to exchange, so I went to buy a mattress featherbed pad at Macy’s, found one, and took it to the register. It was too expensive, so I asked about a sale. The Register Woman replied “Naw, Aint no sale less you can find one on da website with the blackberry” (not trying to be racist, just trying to quote her). There was no sale on the site, but when I googled “item blah blah….sale” I found the page where the sale used to be. That page didn’t exist, but I found the cached page, and showed it to her. She bought it, and I saved $70. Booyah. Oh, but I'm returning it cuz it's lumpy.

Girl Talk time comes around 7:00, but is preceded by opening act OJ Juiceman. It was the single worst live concert performance I’ve ever seen. The DJ behind him played rap music, and he would just chime in little “ooh ooh”s like a feminine Lil Jon. Terrible. Didn’t understand a word he said (again, not racist, just didn’t understand him).

All of the sudden I saw some kids running to the front corner. I summoned the group, and we got to the front of the line….TO BE DANCING ON THE STAGE WITH GIRL TALK FOR THE WHOLE CONCERT. It was pretty frickin sick, though he ended up sweating and smelling a bit and we were dancing right next to him.

Summing up the weekend: Free Cookbook, free dumplings and food, free test drive, free concert tickets, $70 from Macy’s, free soda at the concert, free $5 duane reade gift certificate on the street, and Free time spent with friends family and Girl Talk.

And they say New York is expensive...

Hockey and Swine Flu

Swine Flu has come and almost gone, but in the end of the day it wasn't that bad. The fevers and lack of sleep and coughing and all that isn't exactly fun. But sometimes in New York you just need some time to lie down and do nothing, even if you're sweating/shivering through the whole experience. Oh, and thanks to Swine Flu I got to watch a bit more hockey.

There's one thing about hockey that blows my mind even today, a longstanding tradition which few outside the close fans and followers of the game realize:

Many NHL Rookies, often the top of their draft years, will spend their first few years in the league living in the homes of their resident team's veterans.

Let that resonate a bit. A kid gets a minimum $500,000 salary his first year and instead of buying his own condo and Porsche, he will be staying in the guest room of a 36 year old with 2 Seven year-old kids. While some are advised to do this, many do it by choice. Some examples off the top of my head:
-Sidney Crosby, considered by many to be the NHL's best player, lived in his idol and team owner Mario Lemieux's home for the first 3 years of his career.
-Alex Tanguay lived at Patrick Roy's home (hopefully before the whole wife beating thing)
-Avalanche Rookie Matt Duchene--3rd pick overall, in the pic above-- lives in Avalanche Captain Adam Foote's house (See the article here)
-Avalanche Rookie Ryan O'Reilly, also in the pic above, lives in the home of Darcy Tucker (who got a concussion in last night's game, let's hope he's doin ok)

I mean, these kids are making bank. And yet, the priority is learning from the best and growing as a player through the tutelage of a veteran in your early years in the league.

This may not seem too ridiculous, but think about it in other sports-- do you think Michael Crabtree is living in Isaac Bruce's basement right now after he just got that massive contract? Can you picture Blake Griffin staying at Baron Davis' basement taking care of the house and washing his own dishes? Hell No. Blake Griffin don't do no dishes. Neither does Michael Crabtree. Cuz they making too much money to live in someone elses house and do they own dish. You feel?

Anyway, I think I made my point. Hockey players deserve respect, because they are so much more like us. Even if they're making money, they're still doing the dishes. And I identify with that (even if I don't even do them myself...keep up the good work Amy and Ray!)

The East Village

Some times I ask myself, "who lives in the east village? where did they come from and why are they here?" I ask these questions because my neighborhood has such an eclectic assortment of people that I can't figure out how they coexist. We have hipsters, hot girls, young professionals, and best of all, this guy:

He lives on my corner, 14th and 1st. Every day he puts on his headphones and cutoff t shirt (in the summer he's straight up topless) and stands at the corner dancing to his music. When he gets tired of dancing, he lifts up the garbage can on the corner in intervals, his workout for the day. He is a character and a half. I also don't think he's homeless, because he doesn't ask for money. He just dances and lifts garbage.

Today he crossed the road. Yah, I'm as shocked as you are. Halfway across the road, still boppin to his beat, he almost got hit by a gray van (this is the point where I took the picture above). The van stopped just in time, and the driver yelled out his window "Hey be careful! You're gonna get killed!"

My man's response: "Yah so what! I don't care if I die! Kill me!" He then proceeded across the rest of the road slowly, narrowly escaping another crash, dancing the whole time.

Moral of the story: If you're going to be depressed and want to die, be patient, and until that day comes, keep on dancing.



Pretty shitty moral, but oh well. More posts to come soon, havent posted in a while and have since been to a gay strip club, seen Kenneth from 30Rock do improv, and got the Swine Flu. Stay Tuned.

Life without cable but with addiction to TV

Our apartment doesn't currently have cable, yet I can say I am pretty much caught up on all the shows I watch on a regular basis. I don't think that's anything to brag about---it means that even though I sit at a computer all day working for StreetEasy, I find myself also by a computer at night. That's lame-ish. Anyway, here's what I'm watching and why I'm watching it.

Glee- Watching Glee every week reminds me of a special week in February or March of 2006. I was sitting in my freshman dorm room, when I flipped to Disney to try to watch a Boy Meets World rerun, but instead got sucked into some movie with kids lip syncing corny songs to each other. Terrible acting, poor writing, cheap sets---I was hooked. I checked every time it was going to be on, and told all my friends about how amazingly terrible it was. I got made fun of. But that movie was High School Musical, and I had inadvertently seen the premier, making me a "soothsayer" of sorts. I have good intuition about shitty TV/Movies, and when it will become classics. Another example: "From Justin to Kelly" with Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini. Same concept as HSM and Glee, but the dancing seemed a bit forced for a Spring Break atmosphere. It was a flop, as I predicted. Glee is not a flop. It is a bad show, as was HSM. But I love it. And I will continue watching it until Mr Shu figures out his wife isn't actually pregnant and Fin realizes Quin got fucked by his best friend. When that stuff happens, I'm out.

The Office- I watch because it's still good, and it still surprises me. When Andy tore his scrotum last week I laughed. Which begs the question--have you always been able to say scrotum on network tv? Have the rules eased up a bit lately? I was wondering if you are allowed to talk about "anal" without referring to someone being very particular and neurotic, but I just don't know what the rules are anymore. If you have any idea, let me know.

Modern Family- Quote me on this: Modern Family is TV's next great show. It is the next Arrested. It's something about the writing and the characters that gets me excited about watching it. I admit, the mockumentary style for TV shows is getting a bit old, but this show does it with style. It takes the overt racism and sexism and homophobia which we are bombarded by in every TV show and ties it together subtly--and who doesn't love subtle racism sexism and homophobia. Watch the pilot and you'll be hooked: Here it is!

Always Sunny in Philadelphia- They bicker for half an hour at a time. It can get tiring, but the Season 4 finale was too good to give up on the show. And I don't care, because I bicker all the time, which is why I feel like I would fit in on the show. AND Lucas's voice sounds exactly like Charlie's.

Sportscenter- Yah, it's a TV show. I am addicted to the top ten plays. I would stop midway through sex if I heard the top ten was on. Actually, I bet a lot of guys would say that. I would REFUSE sex if I heard the top ten was going to be on at some point. That's love baby.

Boy Meets World- Never gets old. Since I have every season and every episode on DVD, I get to relive my childhood whenever I want. Like the episode where Topanga moves to Pittsburgh. HOW COULD SHE LEAVE CORY? Oh, and by the way the creators must've been psychics or something-- How did they know in season 2 that Cory and Topanga were really going to end up getting married? Yes, I know, it was fully in their control...but still, I'm impressed that Cory kept saying he was going to marry her, and then they actually made it happen 6 seasons/years later.


I'll think of more later. Bed time.

Mishkin Got a Job!

Yes it's true, David Mishkin is employed. Hallelujah.

Only Mishkin would be able to sit around for 3 months, watch TV all day, go out often enough that we would think "you go out pretty often for someone who is unemployed," yet go out so rarely that we would think "you hardly go out for someone who has nothing to do," then find a job with a bankrupt company (Lehman Bros) getting a good salary.

Who knows how it was done, but I wish him a hearty mazel tov. good luck dave.

The End of Rocktober, and the beginning of Bronctober

As I sat with Bob painfully sitting through the Rockies self-destruction in the bottom of the 9th inning last night, I couldn't help but think about how much I both love and hate baseball. Here's the list I put together:

Love:
-The season
When the weather is nice and your team is playing well, nothing is better than sitting outside for a couple of hours taking in a ball game. You can miss an inning or two, because nothing REALLY happens that often, and just take in the fresh air with thousands of other drunk people.

- Denver
Where else can you pay $5 for tickets (Rockpile), get a free beer with your ticket stub at the bar down the block, and then $2 beers for the rest of the night at Lodos?
Think about the math.
One ticket $5
+two beers at the game $6 *2
+hot dog $5
+ one free beer plus free beer from a girl who doesnt drink beer but has a ticket stub $2 (tip)
+2 beers from lodos $5 (including tip)
+ a ride home from a DD or mommy/daddy, if they love you $0
= Dinner, 4+ hours of entertainment, 6 beers, and time spent with your friends (and parents for that drive home) ALL for under thirty bucks.
AND at the last game I got two free Rockies face towels. That saved me a trip to Bed Bath and Beyond. BOOYAH. In New York, $30 gets you one drink at a fancy bar and a slice of pizza. Granted it would have to be a really expensive slice of pizza, but still, you get the point.

- Growing up with a team
I love how you watch players go through the minors, play well, get to the majors, suck, go back down, suck, quit for a bit, switch positions, miraculously get better, make the team, suck, then suck less, then jack a 400 foot homer and get crowned the next Griffey. In the end of the day, you get to watch a team that your team essentially has raised the way a father (or several fathers in the management/ownership context) raises babies. I loved how all of our favorite Rockies were drafted and got us where we were in the playoffs as players from within the organization, not stupid free agent signings to bribe players over for big bucks.

- Camaraderie
Nothing warms me up inside like yelling Tulo's name on repeat between claps next to my best friends, or giving high fives and yelling "Let's go" with random kids wearing Rocktober shirts in bars in NYC. Seriously, I think I hugged more men during baseball season than the straight community would ever accept as standard hetero behavior. Trust me. I hugged a lot of men.

THINGS I HATE

- Division Play
I'm really sick of the way the MLB schedule is set up. I shouldn't have to watch the Dbacks and Padres play my team every other week and wait for the couple weeks a year when I get to see AL teams. It is a proffessional LEAGUE, where the best players in the world come to play, yet each team doesn't get to play against all of this amazing talent. Every other sport at least attempts to give teams and fans an opportunity to see all that the sport has to offer, and I'm supposed to wait until the fucking world series to see how my team fares against the Yankees? I don't like it.

-The Red Sox
I put them first of the two teams I don't like because I not only don't like them as a team, but I don't like them as a people. Red Sox nation is full of unhappy ugly people who deserved to lose because they sit around thinking their team is superior to the world, giving stats about why they're so good, without noticing that other teams exist. Even though they are already out of the playoffs, F the Red Sox.

-The Yankees
I may take this back. Hell, if I could spend $200 Million to make my team fucking sweet, I would. But I don't have $200 Million. And if I did, I wouldn't pay other people to play baseball; I'd give some money to charity, make sure WashU built a new gym and gave more scholarships, and ski every day for a long time. And I'd take everything that Mastercard has said "there are some things money can't buy" and try to buy it. That would be a fun project.

-Losing
We lost. I'm sad. Losing blows, especially when you had the lead with 2 outs in the 9th. I now know how the Cubs feel every year all year.

Now the season is over, and it's time to move on. Luckily, the Avs are playing really well, and the Broncos are 5-0, hence the new hot word "Bronctober." I think I like writing about sports, so I'll have more, shorter posts about my thoughts in the future. Until then, Happy Belated Canadian Thanksgiving!

Laundry

I bought boxers. I put them in the laundry. Now they fit like briefs. I am upset because I didn't buy briefs, I bought boxers, and now I'm wearing briefs cuz stuff from Cosco shrinks. Sort of a bummer.

Big post coming tonight about my thoughts on Colorado Sports. Get hyped.

Only in NY...Blowup Doll as a Babysitter

Hugging Maeby Funke

A couple of amusing things:

Great convo from last night between Mitch, His fiance's brother Cliff (who is gay and delightful), and me:
Jared: "If you had to quit one, would you quit snowboarding or sex?"
Mitch: "Sex...but does anal count?"
Jared: "I guess it's not REALLY sex so..."
Cliff: "Heyyyy watch it!"

We were all dying of laughter. Good stuff.

After dinner, we went to the SNL studio, as Rich had tickets (but none for us). While waiting at the front, we saw Jon Hamm from Mad Men, the bartender guy from True Blood, Jimmy Fallon (tapped me on the shoulder to get by and i didnt notice...he was so gentle), Evan Mendes, the pirate guy from Dodgeball, and THEN, Alia Shawkat, who plays Maeby from Arrested. I told her I thought she was fucking hysterical, and she hugged me. I told her about my plan with luke to write the movie, and she told me to "send it to Mitch (hurvitz)." Ok, sounds like a plan.

THEN Mr. S from Glee showed up. I told him I fucking loved his show, and he smiled. What a smile, I could never lie to that smile the way his wife does about being fake pregnant. Geez.

My Nephew's HW assignment....

What happens when you blog at 2am...

The post below is an example of what happens when you blog at 2am. I mean, I didn't blog for a while, and I came back with that? Seriously?

things from last night that were amusing:
- The guy outside the Cobra Starship shoot was talking to me about why he was mad at the girls. Here's how the convo went:

Him: "I mean, she said she worked for Ahmed. No WAY she worked for Ahmed. Do you know Ahmed?"
me: "uhh of course"
Him: "Yah, like no FUCKING WAY she worked for Ahmed!" (proceeds to give me a high five)

...who the fuck is Ahmed?


- That same guy was talking about someone in the band being brilliant and going to Columbia. I didn't really catch the name but I thought I had, so I approached him, tapping him on the shoulder to get his attention.

"Ryan?"
"No, my name is Ryland."

Shit. Not a good start.

"Well anyway, just wanted to say I've heard you are a brilliant guy. And that you're really talented. So Congrats."
"Thanks."

I felt bad at the time for being so awkward and not knowing his name. Then I looked him up on Wikipedia.
He went to Florida State (is that considered the Columbia of the Sunshine State?)

More exciting: 5-4 Rockies or 3-2 Big Bangers?

Tonight was a big night. The Rockies won to tie the NLDS at 1 game apiece...but they already had the lead in the 9th and didn't lose it. They won the old fashioned way, having a lead and maintaining it through the end of the ballgame, no biggie.

NOT SO MUCH WITH THE BIG BANGERS. Yes, our kickball team had the lead in the bottom of the 9th, but a double by some white guy on the other team led to a tie ball game going into extra innings.

It was intense. A playoff atmosphere. And when Bergson kicked a single to bring home Modz's friend Amelia, anarchy broke loose. I can honestly say this was the most exciting sporting event I've been a part of in years, so YAY that we won.

As far as the rest of the night goes, we all went to a bar nearby and took over, with two tables of beer pong and plenty of random karaoke singers surrounding us. After a couple hours there and people trickling in and out, I left alone, to find myself outside of a chic club with a guy named DeShawn and a girl named Shawnda....no relation, i promise, i asked.

I went in by pretending to be "a friend of Bergson," who is not only not a big shot, but wasn't even at the bar or had ever heard of it. Ha, i don't know how that worked, but I only stayed for 2 minutes. I walked out to a tall blonde kid who freaked out when he saw me. I guess we went to Washu together, but i had no recollection of who he was. I just kept calling him bud or bro, which worked like a charm. I hate my frickin borderline alzheimers, i really wish i remembered him.

Next, I walked down avenue A until I ran into a bunch of cameras and lights flashing. I was guessing some sort of photo shoot, then i noticed two girls arguing with a guy. I didn't like his attitude. So I stood up to him on their behalf. They liked that. I'm a mench. He sort of sucked, but after they left, we talked for a while, and he likes StreetEasy. That's what I like to hear.

jared, out

Clever Lyrics

http://hypem.com/track/925598/Wale+ft+Lady+Gaga+-+Chillin+METERHEAD+REMIX+

"I got the right to be cocky
Get so much cut disc jockeys jock me...
You N**** mad cause you not me
I remain a GIANT while your Jeremy Shockey "

clever. i like it.