From The Crust to The Cure: How I beat Blepharitis

Those who know me best know how I use self deprecating humor often as a way to escape the sadness I endure at the thought of my numerous faults. I make fun of my moles and eyebrows all the time, along with my Canadianism, because I know that if I don't say it first there'll just be somebody behind my back saying "yah you know Jared, he's the kid with the moles and eyebrows from Canada."

Well, it turns out I now have one less thing to make fun of. No, I did not get my moles removed (despite Alwyn's attempt to destroy my self esteem freshman year... here's his photoshopped pic in case you forgot about it)

Those who have gotten closest with me over the years know of my struggle to fight a terrible disease known as Blepharitis. It essentially involves my eyes getting bloodshot and crusty when I wake up as a result of sleeping with my eyes open (not fully open, I'm not a creep...just sorta semi-peeking at all times). THAT'S why everyone always accused me of being a stoner growing up despite my avoidance of smoking. Frickin Blepharitis kept girls away who wanted to look me in the eyes, kept teachers away who wanted to trust that I wasn't going to turn their exam papers into joints, and kept my friends amused when they needed something original to pick on me for.

The basic cure for blepharitis is rubbing baby shampoo on your eyes every morning. I've known that since I was 8, but I have always been too lazy to do it and never wanted to give in to The Man and take precautions for my own health (also the reason I will ever take lactade pills...f them). I accepted my disease and hoped one day it would just get bored or something.

Last week I woke up and realized that I have really beautiful blue eyes. How did I realize this? I could see them! My eyes weren't bloodshot! And the crust was gone! I defeated Blepharitis without even trying!

If I learned anything from Blepharitis, it's that The Man CAN be beat without any actual effort. If something upsets you and makes you feel down and out about yourself, just wait a couple of years and you may just wake up in the morning with clear eyes and borderline feminine-ly long lashes. And in the back of your head you'll forever have a reservoir of jokes about the cause of the crust being cumshots to the eye, and a supply of baby shampoo that will last a lifetime.

Fun with Pictures

I'm not much of a photographer, but since I moved to NY I've fallen in love with taken pictures with my phone. I guess it's a product of seeing lots of amusing shit. So, here's some pictures I've taken and an explanation of their value (some are pretty ridiculous)


Shane and I took this picture during one of her advanced finance classes in Hong Kong. She was CLEARLY never taught any manners, because everyone knows how rude it is to point at people. Then again....this girl in her class is wearing an f-ing swine flu mask. I feel like it's an important life skill to be able to avoid disease by building an immune system, not just wearing a mask. I guess the asians haven't figured everything out yet.





My neice and nephew are cute as hell. And they're good skiers. This picture isn't funny, it just makes me happy, and it makes me wish I still lived in Colorado.



I saw this on the cigar menu at a BBQ place near my office. I created this cigar myself, and called it "The Stephen Golding" but I guess they thought people weren't familiar enough with Stephen, so they called it a Texas Jewboy.

Seriously though, pretty anti-semetic and ridiculous in my opinion, especially if you say "I'm sucking on a Texas Jewboy." That is beyond distasteful, and I sure hope I never experience it.



I saw this on 6th and 3rd, I believe. It's my block! It says it right there in the concrete! Wow, I'm famous.


This one is a bit of a longer story. When I was home for Thanksgiving, I told my mom I wanted to buy a peacoat, or any sort of jacket that I could wear to work over a suit that wasn't my full out DNA Ski Jacket. We didn't have time to buy one, but when I was leaving I found the jacket pictured above in my hallway closet. I tried it on, and it fit! Free jacket!

As I buttoned the jacket, Jules looked up at me and giggled. I asked why, and he said "I think that's a women's jacket." I refused to accept that it was, especially considering the size the woman would need to be to fit into the jacket. Also, the buttons could be buttoned up on either side, so it could be set up as a men's jacket no matter what (though based on that flexibility we could even call it a transgenderal jacket. maybe.).

I was hurt by this argument, and couldn't really find the exact model online. Then I was on the subway, and saw this:




A homeless man asking for money wearing the same jacket! It had to be a men's jacket, because he was a homeless MAN!!!! I'm happy this all got sorted out.

Amusement

I haven't blogged in a while, and it sort of makes me think, "Shit, have I stopped having fun?"

Truth is, I still have fun, it's just more toned down. Here are some highlights of my fun from the past couple of weeks:

- I peed in public in Denver last wednesday night on the way to Taco Bell from downtown. So did Ziggy. You can't get away with that shit in NYC unless your homeless, in which case it's almost expected.

-Dad passed out during the Broncos game at thanksgiving dinner. But he's thinking....hmm...about what?



- Was in Vail for most of Thanksgiving, and on Saturday night I was walking around Lionshead when I saw the following scene take place:

I don't know if it's clear, but there's a woman singing the classic hannukah beat "Don't let the light go out." In front of her stands a man dressed as Santa (could be the real thing, but I may never know) with a live reindeer next to him. I'd never seen a reindeer before! But this one didn't have a red nose, so I was a bit bummed out (thought they'd bring in the big guns to Vail).

-Tyler, Lauren and I skied together for the first time. It was hilarious, especially when I tried to teach Tyler how to "get air" for the first time, even though it was only his fourth time skiing. A couple of good crashes later, and neither of them learned there lesson. Maybe that's my fault, and I should have taught them the lesson "learn how to turn properly before you go off jumps." Oh well.

I don't think I was supposed to screenshot that image from the Vail website...oops. Please don't get me fired for this.


This week I've done a lot of eating and watching TV. I love life. More stories to come this weekend after Mishkin/Julie's bday party and other fun.

I'm an asshole, but I promise it's not intentional

Last night I felt like a bad person. It was really funny though, so I have no regrets.

Our second housewarming party (because Amy couldn't be at the first one) was going well, with a good mix of WashU, home friends, camp friends, and randos all seeming to have a good time. The apartment above us also threw a party, so some people from their party trickled in as well. I was standing in the stairwell at one point when a group of girls passed, one of whom asking me if it was my party. I told her it was, and she mentioned that she "knew Barry Dan." I asked how, and she explained that her best friend was dating Barry's roommate Andrew. I exclaimed "well if you want to allow Andrew to hang out with his girlfriend and his best friend at the same time, you should date Barry so you can go on double dates! It would be perfect!" I brought her into the busy apartment, and yelled across the room for Barry to come over. I admit it was a bit awkward, but I felt like a matchmaker so I didn't care.

I let them talk for a few minutes, then I was tapped on the shoulder as she let me know that she was leaving. I looked at the two of them, paused, and said:

"It didn't work out?"

They sort of laughed, then she left. Barry looks at me and says:

"It didn't work out? IT DIDN'T WORK OUT?? I hooked up with her 3 weeks ago, asshole!"

It was amazing. I love my life.

How 22 Almost One-Upped 21

My 21st was an unhealthy time in my life, as I detailed in my last post. Well, my 22nd was not much healthier, but it definitely lasted longer (5 days of Me, somehow). I'll go through the events, followed by some fun things I've seen around and taken pictures of lately.

Day 1: Wednesday, The Actual Birthday

Left work to go meet Bob at his place so we could watch the Nets v Nuggets game. When I got there, Bob and Ray had thrown a surprise party for me, with some good friends planning to go to the game with us. We had an amazing time, especially with the surprise of Annie coming to be there for the weekend. Great night, and the Nuggets kicked ass.

Day 2: Thursday, Kickball and Ricky Gervais

Left work to play Kickball for the Big Bangers, who I should mention were almost as dominant as the Nuggets. I had to leave early, as Barry surprised me with tickets to see Ricky Gervais do standup live. He was great, and we ended up at a Wall Street Journal Open Bar afterparty. 2 Birthdays in, Jared is happy.

Day 3: Friday, Benihana

No Birthday is complete without a little "Japanese Happy Song" after some Hibachi Steak and fried rice. I love that place. After my current occupation I will be opening up a Kosher Hibachi place called either "Heebachi" or "Benichhhhana"

Day 4: Saturday, The Party

The party started at my place around 10. The Apt got packed pretty fast. I puked by 11, then rallied and drank the rest of the night without telling anyone. Here are some highlights from the bar in pictures:

Dance off between Bob, Ray, and Ben. Bob relied on step dancing, Ray relied on Break dancing, and Ben relied on fun dancing. Oh, and I did the worm supposedly.




At one point I took off my belt and took this picture with Ben. I don't know why. But I sent this picture to barry with the message "So Lovers." I don't know what that means.



Day 5: Chelsea and Improv

Sunday night Annie, Ray, Yano and I went to the Upright Citizens Brigade Improv show. On the way there, we saw a child who looked EXACTLY like Ugly Betty. I took a picture, because I'm an asshole.


On the way to the club, I saw this poster in a gay porn shop window. Oh New York.


The improv show was completely free, and the cast included Amy Poehler, Seth Myers, Jack mcBryar (kenneth from 30 rock), some other SNL and 30 Rock guys, and was hosted by John Hamm from Mad Men. It was hilarious, and made me want to do longform Improv. Sadly, I'm lazy and busy at the same time. Not a good combination for trying to be a comedian in NY.


So that's the birthday. Yesterday we had lunch in Union Square, and I took a picture of Ben's Swollen Uvula. Take a peek.




Yucky. Anyway, thanks everyone for a great 22nd Birthday, it showed me how great my friends are and how lucky I am.

Birthdays over the years

As I woke up this morning around 7:30, I got a bit nostalgic about my life and all of my past birthdays (yah, today is my big 2-2). I then got depressed about how I don't remember all of my birthdays, which is an excuse you can use in college for obvious reasons, but not for when you turned 13. So, I brainstormed and here's my list of birthday memories I can think of:

4- Joint Halloween Birthday with Andy Draper (above: pic of us four years later. We aged nicely) . I think we threw it at my house, and I was dressed as a clown while Andy dressed as Batman. We had a good crew there, probably some sweet goody bags, and we hired a real clown for entertainment. Probably took away some thunder from me as the only other clown in the room, but he had some tricks I couldn't pull off at the time. Big ups to him.

5- Had a party in USDS, my kindergarten. Schecter and Chellie were there. We ate cupcakes. That's all I remember.

6- First birthday in Denver. Rondi, my first grade teacher, did some balloon stunt to impress us. Not quite as entertaining as the clown, but impressive for a teacher.

8- Pinata outside my house (memorable attendees included Sam, Elie Z, Ben F and Ben S, Jamey, and Jason D) then Woody's pizza. Good time.

11- Probably the most distinct memory. I played hockey, so I wanted to show off my skills; we had an ice skating party at Big Bear (which I believe has closed down...sad). All was fine and dandy until Courtney H fell and cut her finger. She was bleeding profusely. We freaked out, and my dad came up with a solution--
He started sucking on her finger.
I've never felt so uncomfortable. They say it's awkward walking in on your parents having sex. Try walking in on your dad sucking on your friend's finger.

12- We have a group of about 16, and we go to the Avalanche game. In the car ride over, My dad drives Shauna and some girls (Romi and Devra?) with Sam in the front seat. Shauna spends the ride talking about her new bras. My dad tells Sam to stay quiet and just listen. The next few years are filled with "Hi Shauna"
"Hi Art"
"How are the bras"
"Good thanks."

Almost as awkward as the finger sucking.

13- No one cares about my birthday because I had a bar mitzvah coming up. Thanks.

16- Dad takes me to an Avalanche game and "forget the tickets." I should've caught on, because he's never forgotten tickets in any of the other 21 years I've been alive. I get home to a surprise 16th bday, full of good friends and Catered Chipotle. Did I mention the Catered Chipotle? Oh yah, we had Catered Chipotle. My mom knows me so well.

18- I think I FINALLY used my REAL 18 YEAR OLD ID to get into a club! Lucky me! Probably the Vault or something. Yay.

19- Joint birthday party with Sara Reynolds. Wow, that was a failure. Sara bailed halfway after leaving some pierced weirdos in the room alone with me. What a sweetheart. I think I got Nuggets Pajamas that year though, so it was an overall victory.

20- No recollection, not because I was drunk, though I probably was. I just have no idea what we did on my birthday. Let me know if you remember.

21- At 12, handed my ID to security at Lumiere and gambled legally for the first time. Made big bucks off Danny Drews advice, although he lost a bunch.
The next night, Barack Obama became president, and 20 of my best friends and I sat in an empty bar watching his speech and drinking. Wait, that's not what happened. I sat there drinking, and they fed me 18 shots and watched. I ended up giving a speech about Obama, my weight, and Israel, which rivaled Obama's speech in passion though likely not in content.

Drink 18: Sean hands me a shot, tells me it's delicious. It's straight grape vodka. I puke in the beer bucket on the table. Mishkin bets me $100 to puke on Sean, and I chase him around the block to no avail. Woke up without a hangover the next morning. Best Birthday ever.


Moral of the story: I've lived an amazing life, had some interesting birthdays, and am lucky to have always had great friends around me for all of them. Thanks for everything, and if you're in NYC over the next 4 days, get ready for a lot of fun.

I’m not a scam artist, shit just happens for me

I promise, I don’t make up anything I blog. It all actually happens, and I can’t actually explain why. This weekend included a few moments that I don’t understand, but can be simply explained by the manner in which I live my life, or at least how I have since I moved to New York:

Don’t ask “Why?”
Ask “Why Not?”

Nothing happened Friday night because of that whole Swine Flu biznass, but I survived on Slingbox’ing the Avalanche game and Matza ball soup…great combo. Saturday afternoon the fun began, as I told all of our friends that we should go as a group to the NEW YORK CITY DUMPLING Festival.

Yes, it is as absurd as it sounds, a festival devoted to Dumplings from across the world. But I thought, why not? We arrived in the pouring rain, to find the tail end of the festivities. As the Julie, Amy, and Modz waited for tickets, I noticed a crowd in front of the stage. I approached it, and heard “We only have One Dumpling Cookbook left, who wants it?? Ok, I’m going to think of a number between 1 and 50. Yell out what you think it is!”

100 people yelling numbers at once? Come on woman, think with your head. She gave up after a few yells, and thought “fine, whoever’s birthday is closest to today wins it!”

Fuck yah November 4th, way to take me to the Promised Land. I claimed my fat ass cookbook and walked away with pride. I then bought a ticket for some dumplings, but after only getting 3 for 5 dollars, I felt a bit cheated. So, wearing my StreetEasy T-Shirt, I approached the VIP Tent. The woman greeted me, and I said “Wow, so the event went well? I can’t believe I missed my interview set.” She looked down at my t-shirt, and said “Yah, don’t worry, the rain put a bit of a damper on everything. Do you want to come in and have some food anyway even though you weren’t able to cover it?”

Sure. I will eat your free dumplings and Chinese food, because you looked down at my Real Estate Website shirt and thought it must’ve been a fucking food blog. Again, this event isn’t being run by the Oprahs and Hillary Rodhams of the world.

(me with the cookbook and the world's largest whole wheat dumpling, supposedly)

As we leave, I get a call from Ray: come to Orchard and Rivington to get free tickets for a Girl Talk concert. Uh, yes I will do that. We go down there, to find out that in order to get the tickets, we must test-drive a Kia, as it is a secret concert with the only tickets being distributed to Kia test-drivers. We all test drove Kias, got our wristband tickets, and peaced.

Today I woke up and went to Sleepy’s to try to get a better bed, because I bought a cheap one and it’s shit. It was too pricey to exchange, so I went to buy a mattress featherbed pad at Macy’s, found one, and took it to the register. It was too expensive, so I asked about a sale. The Register Woman replied “Naw, Aint no sale less you can find one on da website with the blackberry” (not trying to be racist, just trying to quote her). There was no sale on the site, but when I googled “item blah blah….sale” I found the page where the sale used to be. That page didn’t exist, but I found the cached page, and showed it to her. She bought it, and I saved $70. Booyah. Oh, but I'm returning it cuz it's lumpy.

Girl Talk time comes around 7:00, but is preceded by opening act OJ Juiceman. It was the single worst live concert performance I’ve ever seen. The DJ behind him played rap music, and he would just chime in little “ooh ooh”s like a feminine Lil Jon. Terrible. Didn’t understand a word he said (again, not racist, just didn’t understand him).

All of the sudden I saw some kids running to the front corner. I summoned the group, and we got to the front of the line….TO BE DANCING ON THE STAGE WITH GIRL TALK FOR THE WHOLE CONCERT. It was pretty frickin sick, though he ended up sweating and smelling a bit and we were dancing right next to him.

Summing up the weekend: Free Cookbook, free dumplings and food, free test drive, free concert tickets, $70 from Macy’s, free soda at the concert, free $5 duane reade gift certificate on the street, and Free time spent with friends family and Girl Talk.

And they say New York is expensive...

The East Village

Some times I ask myself, "who lives in the east village? where did they come from and why are they here?" I ask these questions because my neighborhood has such an eclectic assortment of people that I can't figure out how they coexist. We have hipsters, hot girls, young professionals, and best of all, this guy:

He lives on my corner, 14th and 1st. Every day he puts on his headphones and cutoff t shirt (in the summer he's straight up topless) and stands at the corner dancing to his music. When he gets tired of dancing, he lifts up the garbage can on the corner in intervals, his workout for the day. He is a character and a half. I also don't think he's homeless, because he doesn't ask for money. He just dances and lifts garbage.

Today he crossed the road. Yah, I'm as shocked as you are. Halfway across the road, still boppin to his beat, he almost got hit by a gray van (this is the point where I took the picture above). The van stopped just in time, and the driver yelled out his window "Hey be careful! You're gonna get killed!"

My man's response: "Yah so what! I don't care if I die! Kill me!" He then proceeded across the rest of the road slowly, narrowly escaping another crash, dancing the whole time.

Moral of the story: If you're going to be depressed and want to die, be patient, and until that day comes, keep on dancing.



Pretty shitty moral, but oh well. More posts to come soon, havent posted in a while and have since been to a gay strip club, seen Kenneth from 30Rock do improv, and got the Swine Flu. Stay Tuned.

More exciting: 5-4 Rockies or 3-2 Big Bangers?

Tonight was a big night. The Rockies won to tie the NLDS at 1 game apiece...but they already had the lead in the 9th and didn't lose it. They won the old fashioned way, having a lead and maintaining it through the end of the ballgame, no biggie.

NOT SO MUCH WITH THE BIG BANGERS. Yes, our kickball team had the lead in the bottom of the 9th, but a double by some white guy on the other team led to a tie ball game going into extra innings.

It was intense. A playoff atmosphere. And when Bergson kicked a single to bring home Modz's friend Amelia, anarchy broke loose. I can honestly say this was the most exciting sporting event I've been a part of in years, so YAY that we won.

As far as the rest of the night goes, we all went to a bar nearby and took over, with two tables of beer pong and plenty of random karaoke singers surrounding us. After a couple hours there and people trickling in and out, I left alone, to find myself outside of a chic club with a guy named DeShawn and a girl named Shawnda....no relation, i promise, i asked.

I went in by pretending to be "a friend of Bergson," who is not only not a big shot, but wasn't even at the bar or had ever heard of it. Ha, i don't know how that worked, but I only stayed for 2 minutes. I walked out to a tall blonde kid who freaked out when he saw me. I guess we went to Washu together, but i had no recollection of who he was. I just kept calling him bud or bro, which worked like a charm. I hate my frickin borderline alzheimers, i really wish i remembered him.

Next, I walked down avenue A until I ran into a bunch of cameras and lights flashing. I was guessing some sort of photo shoot, then i noticed two girls arguing with a guy. I didn't like his attitude. So I stood up to him on their behalf. They liked that. I'm a mench. He sort of sucked, but after they left, we talked for a while, and he likes StreetEasy. That's what I like to hear.

jared, out

When did I get attractive? DID I get attractive at all?

My whole life I've been told I look like either Frankie Muniz or Gene Wilder.





I never saw the resemblance in either of them. And they weren't exactly complements. However, in the past 6 months I've gotten more confident in my looks due to new comparisons I've been made aware of.

First, in Israel Tomer told me I look like Clive Owen. Then, last night, Tigh from Online Marketing Group (OMG for short) told me I look like Jake Gyllenhal.





I don't see it. But my confidence is much higher than it was when people called me "Frankie."

Having a reckless friend makes life that much funnier

While a lot has happened over the last week or so, I figured it would be more fun to only post two stories about my friend Sam Zuber this week. Sam is an amazing person, but two things he did set him apart from anyone I've ever met and show me why I love him. Even people who don't know him will fall in love based on these stories. Here goes.

Story 1: Friday night, we are at the bar on the roof of the Rivington Hotel at around 3 am. Bob and I are on the dance floor having a good time when we pull out the classic "ball game." For those who are unfamiliar with this phenomenon, the "ball game" involves pretending like you are holding a ball and rolling it around your body on the dance floor, "passing" it to your friend in absurd manners whenever you feel like you have exhausted your creative juices. It seems stupid, but it's a great way to communicate to a girl that you have a sense of humor without ever even saying a word. Whatever.

Bob and I were communicating well, and a random girl was succumbing to our initiatives to the point where it looked like Bob had a chance. Bob and I had some telepathy going and started a mini baseball game, and he threw me a fake ball, which i "hit." Sam, out of nowhere, jumps out of the crowd to try to catch it (note that he wasn't even involved in the game at this point). In doing so, he spills the girl's drink all over her and literally knocks her to the floor. We would've been mad, but I'm pretty sure his response was "hey, I caught it!"
Ridiculous.

Story 2: It's sunday night, and I'm sitting on the couch where I currently reside. Sam calls me. Here's how the phone call goes:

"Jared, did you watch the VMA's?"
"No Sam, why do you ask?"
" Ok, so here's what happened. They were doing best female video, and the nominees were Kelly Clarkson, Taylor Swift (lists the nominees, because they were clearly relevant for the story). And guess who won? Taylor Swift! So she's giving her speech, and then this RANDOM BLACK GUY runs on the stage and takes her mic from her!"
"What?"
"Yah! He just starts talking about how Beyonce should have won! It was crazy!"
"Wait, who was this guy?"
"I don't know, just some random black guy who must have been on drugs or something."


The fact that Kanye West is one of possibly the 15 most recognizable African Americans in the world of entertainment. Gotta love Sam.

Speaking of Kanye, at the Owl City concert last night (which was AMAZING. this song was sick and the opening DJ, Unicorn Kid, was awesome) Taylor Swift showed up--the pic is below. I convinced a 15 year old kid next to me to start a "Fuck Kanye" chant, which didn't exactly pick up, and actually was picked up in the blog I mentioned in this morning's post...don't ask how i found that. I'm just a wizard with internet crap.

Overall, having fun in NYC, applied for a great apt at 13th and 1st today with some good roommates, so hopefully it works out. Go Rockies!

The Best Part of Last Night

I realized that I didn't even document my favorite part of last night in my most recent blog. It deserves some attention, because it was amazing.

As I walked into the bar, I noticed that there were a lot of pretty women. Most were looking at whomever they were talking to...but one girl was staring right at me while talking to another guy. Was there something on my face? Did she know me? I was intrigued.

She proceeded to approach me, and, smiling, exclaimed "Oh my G-d! You're the guy from Cash Cab!!!"

I'm not the guy from Cash Cab. And I've never been on Cash Cab. But I like to lie. The rest of the convo went as follows:

Her: "Yah, you were on Cash Cab this afternoon!"
Me: "....Holy shit, you saw that?? How embarrassing..."
Her: "You were amazing! I can't believe I'm meeting you!"
Me: "I just wish I had done a little better"
Her: "What?? You made $1300!"
Me: "I know, but it could have been more."
Her: "Are you kidding? That was amazing. You were like 'trapeeeeeeeze!' Wow. I can't believe I'm meeting you" (then, walking away slowly) "trapeeeeeze! hahaha"

That was amazing. I'm a celebrity.

Playing Ping Pong with Adrian Grenier

Before I start, I thought I should mention that it is 4:00 am and I am blogging. That's called dedication...or I just have a feeling that I won't remember what happened tonight in the morning. Nevermind that last thought, let's just give the credit to dedication.

The night started at Bergson's, where none of us won the $330 Million Lottery...weird. I thought we had it in the bag. Either way, we ended up heading downtown to a bar that Carolyn had a friend at. Had no expectations until I approached the bar, and, looking to my right, realized I was standing next to the one and only Vinny Chase, Adrian Grenier. AND he was talking to Susan Sarandon. Crazy! I was tripping out. I admit, it would have been cooler if she had looked like a cool celebrity, but I will say that if I hadn't know she was Susan Sarandon I would have assumed she was a stoned hobo who wanted my spare change. Clean up your act Suze, you look like a female Richard Simmons. No Offense.

We played a bunch of Ping Pong next to Vinny/Adrian, who I offered the next game on our table to. He respectfully declined, though I have a feeling he never would have played me in the first place because he's just too damn famous to play ping pong against a paddled stud like me. Again, this is the 4am talking. I suck at ping pong, but he seemed to as well, it would have been a great match. Too Bad.

Left the place to meet friends from B-right, who decided as a group that we would get Artichoke Pizza. The line was wayyy out the door, so I thought I would pretend I was cool and see if I could sneak to the front. When I got there, Glassman was second in line, and he got us 4 slices. What a man. I seemed cool for having the speedy pizza hook up, and Glassman finally seemed like a gentleman for doing a good deed for us. What a man.


Great Friday night, hope the rest of the weekend stays as fun. Happy Saturday.

New Yorkin'

Started work this week in the big city. It ain't all that bad. Some highlights:

- Saw two improv shows, both free, one of which included Kristen Schaal, who plays Mel on Flight of the Conchords. She was phenomenal.

-Been to 4 birthday parties in one week. I don't get it, everyone has seemed to have their birthdays in the past couple of weeks. If i count 9 months backward, it means that all these people were conceived around the beginning of November (around the time of my birthday). I guess having sex on Nov 4 is like the new "new years baby" type fad. I guess I make a conscious effort to have sex on my birthday as well, so I can't blame 'em.

-Saw some standup, then today I performed standup. That was fun. Except there weren't many people there for the open mic I was at, and they all were sitting in the back of the room. So I think I heard laughs, but most came from a short asian creature who laughed at everything, even the not funny stuff. So I don't know if I was good, but at least I tried.

-I'm a working man. If anyone works near 19th and broadway, so either union square park on one side of me or madison square park on the other, lets meet for lunch. I am a hungry boy.

-I FORGOT TO PROMOTE MY WEBSITES, I made these this summer for fun, check them out and tell your friends:

exactlywhatshesaid.com
* the worlds foremost authority on "that's what she said"s

beautymarkormole.blogspot.com
*A celebrity rating site for voting on celebrity skin blemishes.


tell your friends that I blog. I want hits so I can become famous and live off of people who pay me to promote shit on this site.
Jared, out

The Summer

Ok, so now that I've told my stories from Israel, I think it's time to document the rest of the summer and the crazy things I did.

Concerts:
-Eric Clapton/ Steve Winwood
-Oar/ Brett Dennen
-Ben Lee
-Jonas Brothers/Jordin Sparx

Let me explain that last concert for all the haters. I went with my neice (Alexa), sister, and Dad. Alexa's presence made it OK for me to be there, right?

I mean, look at her. She's so happy to see Jonas Brothers. That's why I went, obviously. But drama insued at 9:45 PM. My sister wanted to take Alexa home because she had camp the next morning, and she happens to be 5 years old. Alexa didn't want to leave...and neither did Jared. They hadn't sang Burnin Up! or S.O.S.! Or Lovebug! FUUUCK How could I miss my three favorite fucking Jonas Brothers songs??? (I feel awkward using "Fuck" and "Jonas Brothers" in juxtaposition. They're too pure for such profanity). What would I do? Let Alexa leave and watch Kevin Nick and Joe alone? Or leave and act like I went to spend time with her in the first place?

I left. I am not upset, I just feel bad for Alexa that she missed out on such a great show. Look at the picture above, it's wayyyy different than the one before it. Can't you see how upset she looks? Dang.

Activities I engaged in:

-Saw 8 Rockies games, 7 of them wins
-hiked 4 mountains around Vail
-did "the steps" at Red Rocks

-Rafted the Arkansas River

-Rollerbladed a half marathon two different times (btw I'm surprised how people have gotten over the gay rollerblading jokes and have started accepting it as a legit sport. Fine, maybe not a legit sport, but at least an almost acceptable form of exercise. AND it happens to be better for your knees than running, so I'm not embarrassed)
-Golfed 9 different courses in 4 cities and 2 countries
-Toured the Coors brewery twice
-Snowboarded the Sand Dunes
-Took Yoga
-Spent time in Chicago and Toronto
-Went to 5 different farmer's markets

All in all, an amazing summer. And now, two pictures that make me happy:

Yay.