One Direction the Optimists, Ke$ha the Pessimist

Two of the top 10 songs on the radio right now are Ke$ha's "Die Young" and One Direction's "Live While We're Young."

If you listen to the lyrics, you'll find that both songs promote living life and enjoying the night, specifically getting physical with someone (One Direction phrases it as "Tonight let's get some" and Ke$ha says "So while you're here in my arms let's make the most of the night").

The difference is that Ke$ha gets all negative on us. She starts repeating "We're gonna die young," while our favorite British boy band starts repeating "Live while we're young." Both are suggesting a carpe diem lifestyle, but the 'Tik Tok' lady decides to get depressing.

Both songs are catchy though, so enjoy them and remember to get some girls in your arms tonight and live while you're going to die young....or something like that.

Katy Perry

She doesn't know shit. 

Hangovers and phone numbers saved as "Tara MarqueePool" in your phone are what you get for waking up in Vegas.

Why do all girls in their 20's train for half marathons?

I met someone last week who, when asked about how she was in such good shape, replied, "I'm training for a half marathon." I immediately had deja-deja-deja vu...how many times in the last few months have I met a girl who said she was training for a half marathon? The answer is simple: too many. There's no way all of these girls have the patience/time/motivation to go through with it. And if they can finish the race, why not a full marathon?

I had to investigate.

In a recently conducted poll of the Global Strategy Group/StreetEasy office, five women in their low to mid-20's admitted to all having said they have trained for a half marathon, versus only one respondent saying she had never made such claims. Their answers were diverse, though, as to why they trained (4 and 5 were my personal favorites).

Subject 1: I've always wanted to because I like to run, but haven't raced yet.
Subject 2: I used to train, but never ended up doing the race.
Subject 3: I trained on and off for a long time, just haven't gone through with it yet.
Subject 4: I trained for a marathon but never ran it BECAUSE I GOT HIT BY A CAR!
Subject 5: My friends and I decided we would tell guys we were training for a marathon because it would make us look athletic and impress them. Then we decided that a half marathon was more believable, so we stuck with that.

Not sure if subject #5 is the norm, but I wouldn't be surprised. Now, I wonder, what's so impressive about this feat that EVERYONE is jumping on board? Here's my theory:

1. Girls love to run on treadmills or ellipticals. If you run on a treadmill, the distance you think you can run is inflated because there aren't variables to slow you down or cars to hit you (like poor Subject #4 had to deal with), and you can do shit like I do where I jump a bit so I'm soaring through the air rather than actually running.

2. If you can run 3 miles on a treadmill, why wouldn't you convince yourself you could run more than 13? It's sort of like eating chicken wings. If you can eat 10, why couldn't you eat 50 if you were hungry enough?

3. Girls love goals and resolutions. On NYE I made one resolution--that by 2012 I'd be able to do a standing backflip like some football players do when they celebrate TD's. It may be lofty, but at least I have another year to talk about doing it. Girls love resolutions like "run a half marathon" because it fulfills their need for a resolution but sounds achievable.

4. Girls who run get to wear Lululemon pants. Girls look great in Lululemon pants. I am not opposed to this aspect of the sport.

5.  Guys like hearing that girls are driven, or at least girls think guys like hearing that girls are driven. It shows dedication to something. People love dedication, or at least the promise of potential dedication (see: subject's #2 and #3).

All in all, I learned a lot from this survey, but I've decided that it's not a bad thing at all. People training for half marathons KNOW they need to train outside to get a real feel for it, and that promotes outdoor activity which I'm a fan of. Run your hearts out ladies. Personally, I'd suggest rollerblading a half marathon. It's much easier and people will think you're super cool.

"Get Over It!"-- A case study on how to cast the perfect teen movie

I don't even need to really explain this one. The cast of this 2001 chick flick is simply awesome.

Kirsten Dunst
Ben Foster
Martin Short
Colin Hanks
Zoe Saldana
Mila Kunis
Sisqo


All of these people have become uber famous (I guess Sisqo doesn't really fit in to the list, though the Thong Song is pretty sweet). And, the movie was sweet. How did they know that Zoe Saldana would turn into Ms. Avatar? That Mila Kunis would become the hottest Jewish actress since Natalie Portman? That Colin Hanks would be Tom Hanks' son?

Carnies are the worst

I've never really had any reason to hate Carnies over the course of my life. Whenever I go to a carnival, my mindset has always been "if I don't win a prize today it's my own fault due to a lack of coordination or bad luck, it has nothing to do with these creepy frail men with thin mustaches and tattoos." I admit, this has led to many sad nights, but I always figured I should be a realist and not just a blame-queen.

That all ended on Saturday.

I went to the street fair in Hells Kitchen, and saw the basketball game. Here are two pictures of it--one of them includes a carny!

It all looks nice and innocent right? WRONG. It looked like a simple 12 footer, but no one could make it. I got suspicious and took a pic from the side view.

Those mofos bent the rim! Rather than a circular rim, everyone was shooting at an ovular rim with a depth of a foot or less. A basketball's diameter is only about 9.5 inches, and a regular rim has a diameter of about 18 inches, meaning it was borderline impossible to make this shot. 

Yah, I guess I could've expected this out of carnies. But when I think about how many kids step up to that net with high hopes just to get their dreams crushed and days ruined, I feel crushed inside. At the next carnival I attend I plan on exposing this ruse with a megaphone and a stage. I'll be a hero.

"The Google": A case study into the ridiculousness of the web

Every few weeks I make a habit of googling myself. I don't do this because I fear that potential employers are trying to dig up dirt on me ( I already have a job and they embrace the ridiculousness of my google results...I think) nor am I extremely self absorbed. Rather, I do this because it gives me a glimpse into how the internet sees me, which I then compare to how I see myself. After doing this analysis, I sort of feel like Google sees me as a terrible first date and is looking for faults to pick on me for. I'll go through the top results so you can see what I mean.

Number one is by far the most baffling. Brian Reeves was in BBYO with me for maybe 2 years in High School. I haven't talked to him since I left Denver five years ago. Somehow, he created a Myspace profile under the name "Super Jew" and put the following information in his bio:

Before I complain about this, I have to ask if anybody understands what this means. Is he trying to say "I'd like to meet Jared K again because I was so lucky to meet him when I did?" or "I know I'm sooooo lucky (sarcastically) to have met Jared K"? Brian, if you're reading this, either explain yourself or get it off your fucking 25 friend myspace page. It's embarrassing enough to have  a myspace page, but the 25 friends and pictures of Llamas that cover yours really take it to another level. Be a man, get rid of it and stop making me look like an idiot.

2. LinkedIn. Ok, fine with this. Wish it was #1.

3. My fake StreetEasy profile...this probably shouldn't be there, as someone may think I'm a real estate agent, but I don't particularly care.

4. An article about how Sean and I inspired a WashU trip/internship program in Israel. Not too bad, we're sweet.

5. An article about a position I had in BBYO. So far, the trend is toward Google thinking I'm still in High school.

6. The trend continues--a update from my High School, including a quote about how Dani and I flew a  helicopter to break out our school's color war. That's sweet.

7. 

Ok, this one is tough, because I like it and dislike it at the same time. I like it because it says Hoban and I were Intramural athletic champions (which we were). Unfortunately, the text makes it look like we won 135 lb. and under Arm Wrestling, which we didn't win. We won golf. Whatever, at least it isn't talking about how I'm a "super jew who is still in high school."

9. Camp White Pine staff list from 2006. Google, you say you're up to date and have all these relevant results, but you keep proving the oppo. Dang

12. The Chanukah Song Bob and I made last year. Embarrassing maybe, but I generally have no shame so I don't care.

13. The youtube video Dani and Bob and I made 3 years ago for a samsung contest. This actually makes me ashamed. Oh well.

14. Nastar (ski racing) results from when I was 9 years old at Vail. I got a bronze medal. Shane got a Silver. Damnit.

15. A blog post Sean wrote when he was hurt wishing me a safe trip to Israel when I was going abraod. Awwwwww.

27. This blog. Yay!

Overall, I've learned from this experience that Google is making me look like shit, but I am luckily in a phase in my life that I couldn't care less. One day you'll have to start treating me with respect, Google, but until then just get rid of that Myspace page and bump up the article about how I flew in a helicopter. Thanks!



UPDATE: Brian just accepted my fbook friend request and is getting rid of the super jew thing. No explanation yet though.

From The Crust to The Cure: How I beat Blepharitis

Those who know me best know how I use self deprecating humor often as a way to escape the sadness I endure at the thought of my numerous faults. I make fun of my moles and eyebrows all the time, along with my Canadianism, because I know that if I don't say it first there'll just be somebody behind my back saying "yah you know Jared, he's the kid with the moles and eyebrows from Canada."

Well, it turns out I now have one less thing to make fun of. No, I did not get my moles removed (despite Alwyn's attempt to destroy my self esteem freshman year... here's his photoshopped pic in case you forgot about it)

Those who have gotten closest with me over the years know of my struggle to fight a terrible disease known as Blepharitis. It essentially involves my eyes getting bloodshot and crusty when I wake up as a result of sleeping with my eyes open (not fully open, I'm not a creep...just sorta semi-peeking at all times). THAT'S why everyone always accused me of being a stoner growing up despite my avoidance of smoking. Frickin Blepharitis kept girls away who wanted to look me in the eyes, kept teachers away who wanted to trust that I wasn't going to turn their exam papers into joints, and kept my friends amused when they needed something original to pick on me for.

The basic cure for blepharitis is rubbing baby shampoo on your eyes every morning. I've known that since I was 8, but I have always been too lazy to do it and never wanted to give in to The Man and take precautions for my own health (also the reason I will ever take lactade pills...f them). I accepted my disease and hoped one day it would just get bored or something.

Last week I woke up and realized that I have really beautiful blue eyes. How did I realize this? I could see them! My eyes weren't bloodshot! And the crust was gone! I defeated Blepharitis without even trying!

If I learned anything from Blepharitis, it's that The Man CAN be beat without any actual effort. If something upsets you and makes you feel down and out about yourself, just wait a couple of years and you may just wake up in the morning with clear eyes and borderline feminine-ly long lashes. And in the back of your head you'll forever have a reservoir of jokes about the cause of the crust being cumshots to the eye, and a supply of baby shampoo that will last a lifetime.

My moment of fame

Wow, I haven't blogged in a while. I'm pretty sure Sean is the only person who has been disappointed by this, but nonetheless, I'm back. Not much has been too crazy in my life, but last Saturday/Sunday were just amusing enough to write about (primarily so I can remember the events when I get...shit what's it called...oh yah Alzheimers. See??? I'm too young for these symptoms!).

Saturday night was supposed to be a simple night, due to the fact that we knew the WashU bball game was early the next morning and we needed to be in top shape. Barry, Ben, Ed, Lucas and I went to our favorite BYOB sushi place, killed a handle of Nikolai, then traveled to Nikki's bday party downtown. I don't remember much, but at one point I went into a bathroom with two girls strictly for convenience's sake (I didn't want to wait in line obvi). If you were one of these two girls, let me know, because I completely forgot who they were. Anyway, the bouncer starts pounding on the door to get us out of the bathroom because they thought we were doing freaky stuff. Even if we had been doing freaky stuff (we didn't), that guy's gotta be more polite. Knocking once or twice would've gotten the message across, I don't need that aggression in my life.

Don't remember getting home, though I think Luke and I walked. Sunday morning we woke up at 10 for our Yano Bagels + Power hour, which couldn't have gone better. We had about 25 people, plenty of WashU gear, and dixie shot glasses galore for the earliest power hour I've personally ever done. We played the chatroulette drinking game first (if you haven't played it, you haven't lived life...I'll discuss later), and once we got to the game we were all in great form. There were more WashU fans than NYU fans, which Sido embraced for his "WashU Home Game" chant. During halftime I peed next to Dean Carroll (Dean of Students at WU) and had a full conversation about the party that had taken place. Brilliant.

After I passed out for 4 hours, Yano, Diener, Meade and I went to the Upright Citizens Brigade show that we go to almost every sunday night...but this one was different. It was Valentines Day, so the guys introducing the show asked who was on a date. Not many people were, so they set out to match up a couple from the audience. The first two volunteers sucked, so they asked for more, and no one was takin'. Then a cute blonde girl offered herself, and as she got on stage I realized that generally, in my life, I have no shame. So, I volunteered.

When we got on stage, they asked us to say our favorite food on 3. She yelled "Meatballs" as I yelled "Sushi" which isn't even my favorite food but was on my mind. Everybody laughed, then they recapped.

"Ok, so Emily said Meatballs and Jared said--"
I interrupted.
"Meatballs"

Everybody laughed, and Emily moved in to kiss me. That's called lying to get women.

During the intermission, she gave me her number. We haven't spoken, but the fact that I got a number on stage with SNL actors made me proud to be as ridiculous as I am.

Counting down the decade- 2001

2001 was a pretty good year. I hit the high school, my voice was still high, and I started flirting with girls more aggressively. Here's what else happened, categorized:

2001 socially:
-I joined BBYO, and was put in AZA 6. The day I joined 6 was a day I'll never forget--I was given my first porn, which is still hidden today in my sports card closet (what, you thought I really only used that for hockey cards?) and I think I was taken to Hooters, where I learned about "Pizza Porn and Poker" nights.  Those guys really corrupted me.
-Josh Knafo was highly involved in mine and Jules' lives. He taught Jules how to shoplift from the grocery store, and taught me how to shave my mustache and drink Mikes Hard Lemonade. No one found the empty bottles for 3 years, and when my mom did find them in 11th grade, she was shocked and appalled. Good thing she didn't know I had actually drank them longgggg before, I woulda been sent to rehab knowing her.


2001 in love:
-Summer at White Pine was uneventful love-wise other than the experience making out with Drew. I was so excited, I woke up the next morning to tell Adam R. Levine. His response--"No you didn't, she made out with Greenberg last night." So, Drew made out with me, and it was so bad that she had to follow it with Brian. Fuck. Oh, and supposedly she made out with Rotty earlier in the night. What a B.
- Took Melyssa Feiler on a date to Elitches (6 Flags for non Denverites). We got on the Ferris Wheel, and I knew we were going to kiss, so I very very subtly took off the rubber bands in my braces in preparation. Shane was there somewhere, so when we started kissing we had to stop as the wheel hit the bottom of its cycle. It was amazing. I was a stud.

2001 in Sports: Invesco Field Opens for the Broncos, Barry Bonds does some roids and jacks 73 HR's, AVS WIN THE SNALEY CUP AND I'M AT GAME SEVEN WHEN THEY WIN IT. That made my year. Watching Ray Bourque hoist it for the first time is just plain boner-worthy. Even better than the Ferris Wheel kiss, no joke.

I feel so old

I know I promised to count down the years of the last decade in my life---I promise I'll get to it eventually---but for now I thought I'd share something quick.

The other day I left work and got excited. Why? Because I was using my new briefcase. I'm aging wayyyy too fast. I almost want to throw out the briefcase to make a statement of revolt, but I really like it so I'm going to hold off.

Counting down my life in the past decade-- The Year 2000

It's 2AM and I can't sleep because I just watched a pirated version of The Blind Side and it's got me thinking. Wait, that's a lie, I can't sleep because Ben just came home with a girl and a thing of garlic knots, so I ate those (the garlic knots) and decided to write about my favorite memories from the last decade. Here they are, enjoy!

2000:
8th grade; my Bar Mitzvah year. For those who weren't in attendance, my Bar Mitzvah took place at the top of Vail, and was the bomb diggity. Here are the good and bad parts of the event:

Good
-We stayed in a hotel at the base of the mountain, and our suite had its own hot tub. Somehow, Bob, Lorne and I were in it and convinced Megan L, Elyse, and Marisa to take off their bathing suits. I didn't even have pubic hair, and I was already making girls take their shirts off. Go me.
-The party was tons of fun, including Scott the typical Bar Mitzvah DJ and his dancers, one of whom was a Broncos cheerleader and flirted with me. Looking back, she probably wasn't flirting with me and was just being nice because we paid her to dance, but at least she made me happy (I just re-read that sentence and realized my dad was sending me terrible messages when I was a child. Oh well).

Bad
-I told my parents that I wanted to hang out with my friends during the day instead of skiing with my family. Now I live in New York, and would do anything to be skiing with my family. Bad choice, me.
- We felt bad for all the kosher kids who were coming up from my class at school, so instead of just using the caterers in Vail, my mom had special Kosher food brought up. Guess what? The Kosher motherfuckers brought their own food, even though they knew that my mom had the food delivered special for them. Fuck that, I would have loved me some shrimp and lobster the day I became a man, but I settled for strictly dairy to appease Lisa Greenstein. Booooo.
-Shane and Becky caught us in the hot tub when the girls took their shirts off, but didn't actually see anything, only hearing us through the door. They told our parents that we were playing strip poker, which we got in trouble for. Strip poker? Really Shane? We were in a fucking hot tub! We didn't have cards! I got in trouble at my own Bar Mitzvah for something I didn't even do!
-Shauna and Devra sing a  remix of the "Only Gay Eskimo Song" to the new lyrics of "Only Boy with 2 Moles." I become a man, and then I sink into my seat as I realize that for the rest of my life I'm still gonna get shit for these fucking beauty marks. At least they give me character.

2000 in sports:
Tiger wins 3 majors, Ray Bourque gets traded to the Avs, The Nuggets trade Chauncey away and suck, the Broncos lose Elway and Mile High Stadium, the Rockies trade Dante Bichette so we all know the Blake St. Bomber days are over, and I peak as a three point shooter for the RMHA Middle School Basketball team.

2000 in love:
I exchange altoids with Sarah Lipsitz, this being my first time using tongue during a kiss. My obsession with Devra Feld is nearing its end, as she has begun flirting with Jules and I might as well concede the battle (he did become an Israeli soldier after all). I'm still sort of shy, so not much love in my life overall, though I was introduced to paperback hardcore porn for the first time via my first BBYO event.

Stay tuned for my update on what happened in 2001!

Fun with Pictures

I'm not much of a photographer, but since I moved to NY I've fallen in love with taken pictures with my phone. I guess it's a product of seeing lots of amusing shit. So, here's some pictures I've taken and an explanation of their value (some are pretty ridiculous)


Shane and I took this picture during one of her advanced finance classes in Hong Kong. She was CLEARLY never taught any manners, because everyone knows how rude it is to point at people. Then again....this girl in her class is wearing an f-ing swine flu mask. I feel like it's an important life skill to be able to avoid disease by building an immune system, not just wearing a mask. I guess the asians haven't figured everything out yet.





My neice and nephew are cute as hell. And they're good skiers. This picture isn't funny, it just makes me happy, and it makes me wish I still lived in Colorado.



I saw this on the cigar menu at a BBQ place near my office. I created this cigar myself, and called it "The Stephen Golding" but I guess they thought people weren't familiar enough with Stephen, so they called it a Texas Jewboy.

Seriously though, pretty anti-semetic and ridiculous in my opinion, especially if you say "I'm sucking on a Texas Jewboy." That is beyond distasteful, and I sure hope I never experience it.



I saw this on 6th and 3rd, I believe. It's my block! It says it right there in the concrete! Wow, I'm famous.


This one is a bit of a longer story. When I was home for Thanksgiving, I told my mom I wanted to buy a peacoat, or any sort of jacket that I could wear to work over a suit that wasn't my full out DNA Ski Jacket. We didn't have time to buy one, but when I was leaving I found the jacket pictured above in my hallway closet. I tried it on, and it fit! Free jacket!

As I buttoned the jacket, Jules looked up at me and giggled. I asked why, and he said "I think that's a women's jacket." I refused to accept that it was, especially considering the size the woman would need to be to fit into the jacket. Also, the buttons could be buttoned up on either side, so it could be set up as a men's jacket no matter what (though based on that flexibility we could even call it a transgenderal jacket. maybe.).

I was hurt by this argument, and couldn't really find the exact model online. Then I was on the subway, and saw this:




A homeless man asking for money wearing the same jacket! It had to be a men's jacket, because he was a homeless MAN!!!! I'm happy this all got sorted out.

Happy Chanukah

Amusement

I haven't blogged in a while, and it sort of makes me think, "Shit, have I stopped having fun?"

Truth is, I still have fun, it's just more toned down. Here are some highlights of my fun from the past couple of weeks:

- I peed in public in Denver last wednesday night on the way to Taco Bell from downtown. So did Ziggy. You can't get away with that shit in NYC unless your homeless, in which case it's almost expected.

-Dad passed out during the Broncos game at thanksgiving dinner. But he's thinking....hmm...about what?



- Was in Vail for most of Thanksgiving, and on Saturday night I was walking around Lionshead when I saw the following scene take place:

I don't know if it's clear, but there's a woman singing the classic hannukah beat "Don't let the light go out." In front of her stands a man dressed as Santa (could be the real thing, but I may never know) with a live reindeer next to him. I'd never seen a reindeer before! But this one didn't have a red nose, so I was a bit bummed out (thought they'd bring in the big guns to Vail).

-Tyler, Lauren and I skied together for the first time. It was hilarious, especially when I tried to teach Tyler how to "get air" for the first time, even though it was only his fourth time skiing. A couple of good crashes later, and neither of them learned there lesson. Maybe that's my fault, and I should have taught them the lesson "learn how to turn properly before you go off jumps." Oh well.

I don't think I was supposed to screenshot that image from the Vail website...oops. Please don't get me fired for this.


This week I've done a lot of eating and watching TV. I love life. More stories to come this weekend after Mishkin/Julie's bday party and other fun.

I'm an asshole, but I promise it's not intentional

Last night I felt like a bad person. It was really funny though, so I have no regrets.

Our second housewarming party (because Amy couldn't be at the first one) was going well, with a good mix of WashU, home friends, camp friends, and randos all seeming to have a good time. The apartment above us also threw a party, so some people from their party trickled in as well. I was standing in the stairwell at one point when a group of girls passed, one of whom asking me if it was my party. I told her it was, and she mentioned that she "knew Barry Dan." I asked how, and she explained that her best friend was dating Barry's roommate Andrew. I exclaimed "well if you want to allow Andrew to hang out with his girlfriend and his best friend at the same time, you should date Barry so you can go on double dates! It would be perfect!" I brought her into the busy apartment, and yelled across the room for Barry to come over. I admit it was a bit awkward, but I felt like a matchmaker so I didn't care.

I let them talk for a few minutes, then I was tapped on the shoulder as she let me know that she was leaving. I looked at the two of them, paused, and said:

"It didn't work out?"

They sort of laughed, then she left. Barry looks at me and says:

"It didn't work out? IT DIDN'T WORK OUT?? I hooked up with her 3 weeks ago, asshole!"

It was amazing. I love my life.

My Top 5 TV show clips from the fall that make me laugh (that I could find)

Certain moments this fall on TV really did it for me. Let's go through them a bit.

HARDCORE PARKOUR- The Office
(the title explains it all)




Modern Family
This has been the most surprising show of the fall for me, and while I could have picked a cliche clip like the Lion King excerpt, I picked this little part of an episode a couple of weeks ago because I liked it (and couldn't find the clip from the end of the episode where the family sings Dylan's "Do Me" song in harmony)



Always Sunny is phenomenal. And when I watch this clip I think about all the amazing business ideas I've had with Lucas, and I'm reminded that Lucas Cupkovic essentially is a real life Charlie Kelly, so any of our commercials would have ended up like this...in a good way.



Again, a Charlie clip...he's a "full on rapist"



milksteak.

How did I get home last night?

I don't know how I got home. I think I walked. But that would have been a 30 minute walk in the cold. But I don't remember taking a cab. hmm. Let's recap.

Last night was Night#2 in my three night stretch of open bars every night. I showed up at the NYU Monopoly event with no expectations, and found a stocked open bar and a prime rib dinner. Supposedly tickets cost $250, but StreetEasy sponsored the event so it was free for myself and my date, Alex Bergson. It was a blast, except when an intern at The Real Deal, a sophomore in college, made me do a tequila shot. That was straight up unnecessary.

We ended up following the Real Deal crew to another party at 230 5th, the rooftop bar famous for letting me in by pretending to be Gene Wilder's grandson. Well we didn't have tickets to the party, but somehow we got in. The intern didn't. I don't think we were upset.

The roof was obviously cold, so the venue gave out red robes to keep people warm. I wanted a red robe. I think I tried to steal one and didn't get away with it. What a letdown.

At some point after this I got home. I'm amazed at how blogging about the event helped me piece together the night. Bergson just texted me so I know he's ok. Open bars will be the end of me, and with Linus tonight in the STL and Seans Bday Saturday at Guo Bin, I hope I make it to work on Monday....but it's not lookin good

How 22 Almost One-Upped 21

My 21st was an unhealthy time in my life, as I detailed in my last post. Well, my 22nd was not much healthier, but it definitely lasted longer (5 days of Me, somehow). I'll go through the events, followed by some fun things I've seen around and taken pictures of lately.

Day 1: Wednesday, The Actual Birthday

Left work to go meet Bob at his place so we could watch the Nets v Nuggets game. When I got there, Bob and Ray had thrown a surprise party for me, with some good friends planning to go to the game with us. We had an amazing time, especially with the surprise of Annie coming to be there for the weekend. Great night, and the Nuggets kicked ass.

Day 2: Thursday, Kickball and Ricky Gervais

Left work to play Kickball for the Big Bangers, who I should mention were almost as dominant as the Nuggets. I had to leave early, as Barry surprised me with tickets to see Ricky Gervais do standup live. He was great, and we ended up at a Wall Street Journal Open Bar afterparty. 2 Birthdays in, Jared is happy.

Day 3: Friday, Benihana

No Birthday is complete without a little "Japanese Happy Song" after some Hibachi Steak and fried rice. I love that place. After my current occupation I will be opening up a Kosher Hibachi place called either "Heebachi" or "Benichhhhana"

Day 4: Saturday, The Party

The party started at my place around 10. The Apt got packed pretty fast. I puked by 11, then rallied and drank the rest of the night without telling anyone. Here are some highlights from the bar in pictures:

Dance off between Bob, Ray, and Ben. Bob relied on step dancing, Ray relied on Break dancing, and Ben relied on fun dancing. Oh, and I did the worm supposedly.




At one point I took off my belt and took this picture with Ben. I don't know why. But I sent this picture to barry with the message "So Lovers." I don't know what that means.



Day 5: Chelsea and Improv

Sunday night Annie, Ray, Yano and I went to the Upright Citizens Brigade Improv show. On the way there, we saw a child who looked EXACTLY like Ugly Betty. I took a picture, because I'm an asshole.


On the way to the club, I saw this poster in a gay porn shop window. Oh New York.


The improv show was completely free, and the cast included Amy Poehler, Seth Myers, Jack mcBryar (kenneth from 30 rock), some other SNL and 30 Rock guys, and was hosted by John Hamm from Mad Men. It was hilarious, and made me want to do longform Improv. Sadly, I'm lazy and busy at the same time. Not a good combination for trying to be a comedian in NY.


So that's the birthday. Yesterday we had lunch in Union Square, and I took a picture of Ben's Swollen Uvula. Take a peek.




Yucky. Anyway, thanks everyone for a great 22nd Birthday, it showed me how great my friends are and how lucky I am.

Birthdays over the years

As I woke up this morning around 7:30, I got a bit nostalgic about my life and all of my past birthdays (yah, today is my big 2-2). I then got depressed about how I don't remember all of my birthdays, which is an excuse you can use in college for obvious reasons, but not for when you turned 13. So, I brainstormed and here's my list of birthday memories I can think of:

4- Joint Halloween Birthday with Andy Draper (above: pic of us four years later. We aged nicely) . I think we threw it at my house, and I was dressed as a clown while Andy dressed as Batman. We had a good crew there, probably some sweet goody bags, and we hired a real clown for entertainment. Probably took away some thunder from me as the only other clown in the room, but he had some tricks I couldn't pull off at the time. Big ups to him.

5- Had a party in USDS, my kindergarten. Schecter and Chellie were there. We ate cupcakes. That's all I remember.

6- First birthday in Denver. Rondi, my first grade teacher, did some balloon stunt to impress us. Not quite as entertaining as the clown, but impressive for a teacher.

8- Pinata outside my house (memorable attendees included Sam, Elie Z, Ben F and Ben S, Jamey, and Jason D) then Woody's pizza. Good time.

11- Probably the most distinct memory. I played hockey, so I wanted to show off my skills; we had an ice skating party at Big Bear (which I believe has closed down...sad). All was fine and dandy until Courtney H fell and cut her finger. She was bleeding profusely. We freaked out, and my dad came up with a solution--
He started sucking on her finger.
I've never felt so uncomfortable. They say it's awkward walking in on your parents having sex. Try walking in on your dad sucking on your friend's finger.

12- We have a group of about 16, and we go to the Avalanche game. In the car ride over, My dad drives Shauna and some girls (Romi and Devra?) with Sam in the front seat. Shauna spends the ride talking about her new bras. My dad tells Sam to stay quiet and just listen. The next few years are filled with "Hi Shauna"
"Hi Art"
"How are the bras"
"Good thanks."

Almost as awkward as the finger sucking.

13- No one cares about my birthday because I had a bar mitzvah coming up. Thanks.

16- Dad takes me to an Avalanche game and "forget the tickets." I should've caught on, because he's never forgotten tickets in any of the other 21 years I've been alive. I get home to a surprise 16th bday, full of good friends and Catered Chipotle. Did I mention the Catered Chipotle? Oh yah, we had Catered Chipotle. My mom knows me so well.

18- I think I FINALLY used my REAL 18 YEAR OLD ID to get into a club! Lucky me! Probably the Vault or something. Yay.

19- Joint birthday party with Sara Reynolds. Wow, that was a failure. Sara bailed halfway after leaving some pierced weirdos in the room alone with me. What a sweetheart. I think I got Nuggets Pajamas that year though, so it was an overall victory.

20- No recollection, not because I was drunk, though I probably was. I just have no idea what we did on my birthday. Let me know if you remember.

21- At 12, handed my ID to security at Lumiere and gambled legally for the first time. Made big bucks off Danny Drews advice, although he lost a bunch.
The next night, Barack Obama became president, and 20 of my best friends and I sat in an empty bar watching his speech and drinking. Wait, that's not what happened. I sat there drinking, and they fed me 18 shots and watched. I ended up giving a speech about Obama, my weight, and Israel, which rivaled Obama's speech in passion though likely not in content.

Drink 18: Sean hands me a shot, tells me it's delicious. It's straight grape vodka. I puke in the beer bucket on the table. Mishkin bets me $100 to puke on Sean, and I chase him around the block to no avail. Woke up without a hangover the next morning. Best Birthday ever.


Moral of the story: I've lived an amazing life, had some interesting birthdays, and am lucky to have always had great friends around me for all of them. Thanks for everything, and if you're in NYC over the next 4 days, get ready for a lot of fun.

Song of the day before my birthday

This is it- Miley Cyrus + Notorious BIG: Party and Bullshit in the USA

Tomorrow's my bday. So today I am listening to Biggie and Miley singing at the same time. Life is good.