Monday, June 16, 2008
NOOOOOO
I just realized today that my 21st birthday falls on Election Day 2008. So no one will give a crap about my birthday. Any bar I go to will be comparing red and blue states instead of showing sports games. This sucks! I want frickin attention!
Saturday, June 14, 2008
One week left- TIME TO BITCH ABOUT MY ROOMMATE
Whats up world. I haven't blogged in about a month. I know, lame-sauce.
Instead of blogging about what's happened in my life, I will just tell stories of how my semester has gone with my girl roommate, Liat. I have one week left with her, and I figure that if she has time to read my blog considering how much she bitches about exams, she deserves to deal with the stories the world is about to hear about.
A few months ago, you could read about my ranting and raving about my cool girl roommate. Things went downhill. If you havent heard, she is American, lived in the states most of her life but has lived in Israel for 4 years, and has practically forgotten her English. here are examples, with translations:
"Jared, Sound to the words that I am saying"
Translation: Listen to me.
(after I invited 13 people to sleep over and didn't tell her until the day of)
"Overall you were very inconsiderable"
translation: you were inconsiderate
"Pass me the 'alloomineeum'"
translation: pass the aluminum foil
me: "garnis fructis shampoo? that's the one with the green bottle?" (don't judge me for knowing that)
Liat: "Ahhh, very attentative of you"
translation: Very attentive
OTHER STORIES:
One day I bought packaged Gnocchi to cook for myself. I came home, and it was gone. She said "oops, I ate your gnocchi. I will buy you a new one." The next day, I found a new package! She had bought me a new package! Sweet! Later that night I came back to the apartment after basketball to cook it, and.....it was gone. She had eaten the new one that she had bought me as a nice gesture. And when I complained she told me to shove my gnocchi, jello, and shnitzel (foods of mine she had eaten) into "a place I can't say." Come on, just say 'shove it up your ass.' Don't be appropriate if you're being a complete bitch.
I guess I have a habit of inviting people over to sleep over without telling her till the day of, like when her mom was staying in the apartment and woke up with 5 guys sleeping on the floor of the living room. Oops. I don't feel bad, I didn't know about her mom sleeping over until the day before, so f her.
SO 2 DAYS AGO, Shane's friend Carlye was staying over and I was afraid to tell Liat. So I didn't. Liat was in the kitchen cutting salad with a huge steak knife, and looked at Carlye and said "Are you staying over?" Carlye said, "yes."
Liat responded, pointing the knife at us, "If your roommate didn't tell you someone was staying over until the day of, and you had a huge knife in your hand, what would you do?"
I replied, timidly, "keep cutting my salad?"
Her answer, accompanied by drastic body gestures and a straight face: "No, I would STAB HIM IN THE HEART AND TWIST THE KNIFE INSIDE OF HIM."
All in all, any roommates I have in the future will seem like angels after this semester, and I will treat them accordingly. This doesn't mean I'm excited to leave Israel, I actually have no interest in going home. But still....oy.
Instead of blogging about what's happened in my life, I will just tell stories of how my semester has gone with my girl roommate, Liat. I have one week left with her, and I figure that if she has time to read my blog considering how much she bitches about exams, she deserves to deal with the stories the world is about to hear about.
A few months ago, you could read about my ranting and raving about my cool girl roommate. Things went downhill. If you havent heard, she is American, lived in the states most of her life but has lived in Israel for 4 years, and has practically forgotten her English. here are examples, with translations:
"Jared, Sound to the words that I am saying"
Translation: Listen to me.
(after I invited 13 people to sleep over and didn't tell her until the day of)
"Overall you were very inconsiderable"
translation: you were inconsiderate
"Pass me the 'alloomineeum'"
translation: pass the aluminum foil
me: "garnis fructis shampoo? that's the one with the green bottle?" (don't judge me for knowing that)
Liat: "Ahhh, very attentative of you"
translation: Very attentive
OTHER STORIES:
One day I bought packaged Gnocchi to cook for myself. I came home, and it was gone. She said "oops, I ate your gnocchi. I will buy you a new one." The next day, I found a new package! She had bought me a new package! Sweet! Later that night I came back to the apartment after basketball to cook it, and.....it was gone. She had eaten the new one that she had bought me as a nice gesture. And when I complained she told me to shove my gnocchi, jello, and shnitzel (foods of mine she had eaten) into "a place I can't say." Come on, just say 'shove it up your ass.' Don't be appropriate if you're being a complete bitch.
I guess I have a habit of inviting people over to sleep over without telling her till the day of, like when her mom was staying in the apartment and woke up with 5 guys sleeping on the floor of the living room. Oops. I don't feel bad, I didn't know about her mom sleeping over until the day before, so f her.
SO 2 DAYS AGO, Shane's friend Carlye was staying over and I was afraid to tell Liat. So I didn't. Liat was in the kitchen cutting salad with a huge steak knife, and looked at Carlye and said "Are you staying over?" Carlye said, "yes."
Liat responded, pointing the knife at us, "If your roommate didn't tell you someone was staying over until the day of, and you had a huge knife in your hand, what would you do?"
I replied, timidly, "keep cutting my salad?"
Her answer, accompanied by drastic body gestures and a straight face: "No, I would STAB HIM IN THE HEART AND TWIST THE KNIFE INSIDE OF HIM."
All in all, any roommates I have in the future will seem like angels after this semester, and I will treat them accordingly. This doesn't mean I'm excited to leave Israel, I actually have no interest in going home. But still....oy.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Jared? Busy? I thought he just sat around on facebook?
The truth is, I still use facebook. But since my hard drive failed, I've been doing less blogging, stalking, and alone boring chat time. I know I've let down anyone who reads my blog, but its a good thing.
The day after Independence day we threw a shabbat dinner at my place in Herzliya. 25 people came, including 13 people from our Jerusalem crew. It could've been perfect, but the combination of girl roommate's analness and the fact that I didn't tell her about it until 5 hours before didnt help my cause. The night started really awk, with jerusalem not bonding with IDC at all, but eventually it got better and ended with an awesome pop song session. Good stuff.
Funniest part of the night involved Jules, my best friend in the whole world who I love dearly. I've always thought of him as a good guy, a good friend. It turns out his first impression isn't as good.
Julie, Girl Roommate Liat's best friend, approached Jules in the middle of dinner. Immediately, in her Danish accent, she says "I do not like you." Jules was shocked, and asked why. Her response: "You are arrogant, bitch."
If you could hear the accent, you'd laugh your dick off (or breasts, for the ladies). He responded "In our country, we would say to that 'go fuck yourself.'" She laughed. He said "No, seriously, go fuck yourself." We were all very amused.
Since then, things have been pretty busy. Sir Sean Wallis has been in town on birthright, along with other cool peeps like Ariel and Haley. Been partying with them, showed them Jerusalem, where the amount of people we ran into almost made me look cool. It seemed like everyone I knew from Denver, WashU, Toronto, Camp, and Israel decided to hang out in a two block radius, and even if they had seen me the day before, acted like it was a special occasion. I felt super sweet. And I was wearing Jules' blazer. I've never worn a blazer really, even moreso a Courderoy one. I looked borderline metrosexual, sort of "peacock theory" (The Game reference anyone??) and it worked.
I frickin love Israel. I have been thinking of a way to give back to the country without joining army like our lame friends who'd rather "fight for a cause they believe in" than "sit around drinking in a frat basement joking about porn."
I think I've come up with a solution. I want to do what the Ivery kids at Western did. I want to plan a trip for the Olin B-School where Jews and non-Jews would come to Israel on a business oriented trip to learn about how the country engages in International Business amidst the turmoil of the middle east. It could be frickin sweet, people could get a lot out of it. Any interest? Holler at me.
Ya i know, my blogs used to be funnier and less serious and long and shit. Well, I actually do stuff now. Ive never been happier in my life, things can't get any better. But I am coming home soon, living in NY this summer starting June 21st. Get ready for me big city, I may have lost weight, but I'm still huge where it counts--- my drive to succeed, obvi. I'm gonna start paying attention in class, this teacher has lost everyone, and I will ask a question so he thinks that I actually care. I will let you know how it goes.
The day after Independence day we threw a shabbat dinner at my place in Herzliya. 25 people came, including 13 people from our Jerusalem crew. It could've been perfect, but the combination of girl roommate's analness and the fact that I didn't tell her about it until 5 hours before didnt help my cause. The night started really awk, with jerusalem not bonding with IDC at all, but eventually it got better and ended with an awesome pop song session. Good stuff.
Funniest part of the night involved Jules, my best friend in the whole world who I love dearly. I've always thought of him as a good guy, a good friend. It turns out his first impression isn't as good.
Julie, Girl Roommate Liat's best friend, approached Jules in the middle of dinner. Immediately, in her Danish accent, she says "I do not like you." Jules was shocked, and asked why. Her response: "You are arrogant, bitch."
If you could hear the accent, you'd laugh your dick off (or breasts, for the ladies). He responded "In our country, we would say to that 'go fuck yourself.'" She laughed. He said "No, seriously, go fuck yourself." We were all very amused.
Since then, things have been pretty busy. Sir Sean Wallis has been in town on birthright, along with other cool peeps like Ariel and Haley. Been partying with them, showed them Jerusalem, where the amount of people we ran into almost made me look cool. It seemed like everyone I knew from Denver, WashU, Toronto, Camp, and Israel decided to hang out in a two block radius, and even if they had seen me the day before, acted like it was a special occasion. I felt super sweet. And I was wearing Jules' blazer. I've never worn a blazer really, even moreso a Courderoy one. I looked borderline metrosexual, sort of "peacock theory" (The Game reference anyone??) and it worked.
I frickin love Israel. I have been thinking of a way to give back to the country without joining army like our lame friends who'd rather "fight for a cause they believe in" than "sit around drinking in a frat basement joking about porn."
I think I've come up with a solution. I want to do what the Ivery kids at Western did. I want to plan a trip for the Olin B-School where Jews and non-Jews would come to Israel on a business oriented trip to learn about how the country engages in International Business amidst the turmoil of the middle east. It could be frickin sweet, people could get a lot out of it. Any interest? Holler at me.
Ya i know, my blogs used to be funnier and less serious and long and shit. Well, I actually do stuff now. Ive never been happier in my life, things can't get any better. But I am coming home soon, living in NY this summer starting June 21st. Get ready for me big city, I may have lost weight, but I'm still huge where it counts--- my drive to succeed, obvi. I'm gonna start paying attention in class, this teacher has lost everyone, and I will ask a question so he thinks that I actually care. I will let you know how it goes.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Indepenence Day, the balagan of balagans
Yesterday was Yom Haatzmaut, independence day, the 60th anniversary of the state of Israel. Big deal, the country has been preppin for it for months and months. It didn't disappoint.
The night started with Ollie, Joseph, Sam, Tomer and I driving into Tel Aviv around 8ish, picking up Matt on our way. Def not enough room in Ollie's car for 6, but I had shotgun so SUCK IT. We went to Rabin Square, where they were set up for an enormous concert and we met Adir. It felt like the entire country was there, but we had amazing seats and found ourselves in the middle of all the action. We sat drinking before the concert started, and the fact that its legal to just sit around with open alcohol in public around kids and such still blows my mind.
A couple highlights from the night:
1. We were dancing midway through the concert, and adir took off his shirt and handed one end of it to me so we could dance with it together. Tomer immediately says "LIMBO!" and within a minute we had about 25 people limbo-ing under the t shirt in the middle of the party. Classic. I'm not flexible enough to impress, so I did it early on then took the role of "jerk who holds the limbo pole and pulls it down as people go under so they fall." I'm a good guy but I feel like there's no other way to limbo-hold.
2. We got to the street party on Florentine, and at one point, for some unknown reason, Ollie and I decided it was a good idea to pretend to be angry drunks and smash the ends of beer bottles and fake fight. Well, Ollie's didnt crack, and mine cracked too much, giving me a lil papercut on my thumb. Bummer!
3. At around 5:00 am, Ollie and Matt and I drove to Jerusalem, getting in around 5 45ish. I thought we'd be sleeping when we got here, but instead I was surprised to find myself at a early morning rave. It was light out, and kids were mad-drugged out and doing weird dance moves. We were awfully uncomfortable, so we decided to imitate them and dance as if we too were stoned out of our minds. We weren't, but someone was videotaping us, and Im sure I could fool most. I'm an excellent actor, in my post blog life I plan on doing that. Or just get a legit job.
Went to bed around 7 on Jules' floor, woken up at 9. Successful night, happy Birthday Israel.
The night started with Ollie, Joseph, Sam, Tomer and I driving into Tel Aviv around 8ish, picking up Matt on our way. Def not enough room in Ollie's car for 6, but I had shotgun so SUCK IT. We went to Rabin Square, where they were set up for an enormous concert and we met Adir. It felt like the entire country was there, but we had amazing seats and found ourselves in the middle of all the action. We sat drinking before the concert started, and the fact that its legal to just sit around with open alcohol in public around kids and such still blows my mind.
A couple highlights from the night:
1. We were dancing midway through the concert, and adir took off his shirt and handed one end of it to me so we could dance with it together. Tomer immediately says "LIMBO!" and within a minute we had about 25 people limbo-ing under the t shirt in the middle of the party. Classic. I'm not flexible enough to impress, so I did it early on then took the role of "jerk who holds the limbo pole and pulls it down as people go under so they fall." I'm a good guy but I feel like there's no other way to limbo-hold.
2. We got to the street party on Florentine, and at one point, for some unknown reason, Ollie and I decided it was a good idea to pretend to be angry drunks and smash the ends of beer bottles and fake fight. Well, Ollie's didnt crack, and mine cracked too much, giving me a lil papercut on my thumb. Bummer!
3. At around 5:00 am, Ollie and Matt and I drove to Jerusalem, getting in around 5 45ish. I thought we'd be sleeping when we got here, but instead I was surprised to find myself at a early morning rave. It was light out, and kids were mad-drugged out and doing weird dance moves. We were awfully uncomfortable, so we decided to imitate them and dance as if we too were stoned out of our minds. We weren't, but someone was videotaping us, and Im sure I could fool most. I'm an excellent actor, in my post blog life I plan on doing that. Or just get a legit job.
Went to bed around 7 on Jules' floor, woken up at 9. Successful night, happy Birthday Israel.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Back to Blogging
Sorry for the 5 days without blogging. My hard drive failed, so now I don't have a computer. Imagine, me without a computer. Today I had my first class of the semester without facebook and ESPN. Brutal. I lost every picture from my childhood, every script I've ever written, and worst of all, my copy of "Snood." Damn.
I should probably blog starting from the weekend. On thursday I went into Jerusalem around midday to pick up Shaun's mom and take her around Jerusalem. Leah and I accompanied her back to the apartment, where we were let down--no touring Jerusalem, she wanted to sleep. LAME, SHAUNS MOM. That night was Shaun and Jules' tekes, their induction into the army for real where they get their guns and division tags. It was pretty sweet, and the coolest part about it was seeing how many people (about 25 kids our ageish) showed up just for them. Sweet. I was on my Jewish geography game with a bunch of heb u girls who afterword told me I had a "fan club," a situation which I never thought I would have until I was either a Degrassi character or on the news for saving a child's life in a burning fire. Well, either way, good confidence boost, considering all the attention was being given to Jules and Shaun for "fighting for the country." Geez.
That night was "mamash sababa." Yah, thats the best way to describe it, no stories necessary.
Adir and I drove to Tel Aviv the next day, and I spent shabbat and the weekend with Jared C., chillin on the beach and goin out and such. Yesterday surprise bday party for anat, played ball, then went to Tel to watch the Maccabi TA game with Adir and Ollie. Maccabi lost, buzz kill.
Busy week ahead, with Independence day and birthright and such. Blogging is sort of lame when youre just telling stories, so I just want to vent about stuff.
I don't think I'm getting better at basketball. I play prob 3 or 4 times a week. That's a lot. And we play pretty hard, with a solid crew of guys coming out every time. But I still miss all kinds of shots. And at least when I was fat I could blame it on the fat. Now I have no one to blame it on but my dad for not giving me more naturally athletic genes, instead of "work ethic" genes. Oh btw, SCREW anats brother yehuda. He seemed nice until we were at a bar and he said "Jared, you play basketball? You don't look athletic at all." You suck little kid. Thats why I've decided to start pumping iron just on my biceps so people get a better first impression. Girls won't see my abs till I'm already topless with them, and I figure theyre already with me, so it's not a big deal. Bicep time is now. K good stuff, yalla bye.
I should probably blog starting from the weekend. On thursday I went into Jerusalem around midday to pick up Shaun's mom and take her around Jerusalem. Leah and I accompanied her back to the apartment, where we were let down--no touring Jerusalem, she wanted to sleep. LAME, SHAUNS MOM. That night was Shaun and Jules' tekes, their induction into the army for real where they get their guns and division tags. It was pretty sweet, and the coolest part about it was seeing how many people (about 25 kids our ageish) showed up just for them. Sweet. I was on my Jewish geography game with a bunch of heb u girls who afterword told me I had a "fan club," a situation which I never thought I would have until I was either a Degrassi character or on the news for saving a child's life in a burning fire. Well, either way, good confidence boost, considering all the attention was being given to Jules and Shaun for "fighting for the country." Geez.
That night was "mamash sababa." Yah, thats the best way to describe it, no stories necessary.
Adir and I drove to Tel Aviv the next day, and I spent shabbat and the weekend with Jared C., chillin on the beach and goin out and such. Yesterday surprise bday party for anat, played ball, then went to Tel to watch the Maccabi TA game with Adir and Ollie. Maccabi lost, buzz kill.
Busy week ahead, with Independence day and birthright and such. Blogging is sort of lame when youre just telling stories, so I just want to vent about stuff.
I don't think I'm getting better at basketball. I play prob 3 or 4 times a week. That's a lot. And we play pretty hard, with a solid crew of guys coming out every time. But I still miss all kinds of shots. And at least when I was fat I could blame it on the fat. Now I have no one to blame it on but my dad for not giving me more naturally athletic genes, instead of "work ethic" genes. Oh btw, SCREW anats brother yehuda. He seemed nice until we were at a bar and he said "Jared, you play basketball? You don't look athletic at all." You suck little kid. Thats why I've decided to start pumping iron just on my biceps so people get a better first impression. Girls won't see my abs till I'm already topless with them, and I figure theyre already with me, so it's not a big deal. Bicep time is now. K good stuff, yalla bye.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
STUPID WOMAN ROOMMATE
The best thing about having a woman roommate like Liat is that she doesn't read my blog. The worse part about her will be described below.
WARNING: "INTO THE WILD" MOVIE SPOILER
Last night the three roommates decided to sit down to watch a movie none of us had seen, "Into the Wild." We settled in, and while the first credits are rolling and we see the first appearance of the main character, woman roommate declares: "It's too bad that he dies, but at least he dies happy."
We looked at her, in complete shock. What a frickin idiot. The movie was great, but we knew what was gonna happen, completely destroying the full fun of watching it. I have decided that if I live with a platonic woman roommate again, I will muzzle her before movies, or just make sure when i pick her to be my roommate that she isn't a F-ING TARD. Sorry, I'm just upset.
WARNING: "INTO THE WILD" MOVIE SPOILER
Last night the three roommates decided to sit down to watch a movie none of us had seen, "Into the Wild." We settled in, and while the first credits are rolling and we see the first appearance of the main character, woman roommate declares: "It's too bad that he dies, but at least he dies happy."
We looked at her, in complete shock. What a frickin idiot. The movie was great, but we knew what was gonna happen, completely destroying the full fun of watching it. I have decided that if I live with a platonic woman roommate again, I will muzzle her before movies, or just make sure when i pick her to be my roommate that she isn't a F-ING TARD. Sorry, I'm just upset.
Monday, April 28, 2008
The Evolution of Jared
In my life I occasionally find moments of perfection, fragments of seconds where everything around me is working out just as it is supposed to be. It's unreasonable to expect these moments 24/7, and in the past I have learned to appreciate them when they come along.
This past weekend was a little less moments, and a little more of...everything worked out. Everything worked out and was so easy and pleasurable that I lost my cell phone, but couldn't care less. (Oh yah, if you have an Israeli cell phone number, I lost it and need it)
Took the 5 hour bus ride from Tel Aviv to Eilat on Thursday to meet my weekend travel group- Torey, Courtney, Faith, Chelsea, and Lauryn. Yah, Jared and 5 girls. Pimp daddy. We spent the day relaxing on the beach, taking in the sun and appreciating the techno music of the seashore. Eilat is like a Mexican Spring break spot, but the guys wear tighter bathing suits than the girls. Not quite the turn-on an American looks for during a beach day, but oh well.
Dan Dan met up with us on the beach, then left after the cell phone debacle. The girls weren't sick of me yet, I wasn't sick of them, so far so good. Went to dinner that night, and in typical me-fashion, I ate all-you-can-eat meat and the girls ate salad. Fine, Faith had some chicken. But still, I asserted my man-ness with that meal.
The next morning we headed for Petra, giving me my first stamp from an Arab country on my passport. Other than the tour guide, I was the only guy, as our group was joined by 4 older women from Israel/Germany. So Ali, our tour guide, gave me a Petra hat and constantly picked on me as if I was the token gay friend who should be outcast for hanging out with girls instead of guys.
Petra was spectacular. The heat wasn't overpowering, and the sights were beautiful. All the hype was worth it, and we all had a pretty good time. Other than watching the donkeys that are used as taxis for people that can't do the 4km hike. There were little kids riding these donkeys treating them like the Jews in "Prince of Egypt," including a 8 year old whose eyes looked like that girl from Heroes with black eyes. He decided that whipping his donkey in the face at all times was a better tactic than giving it some kicks and clicking his teeth or something. It was disturbing. Overall, the hike was awesome, including our pictorial depiction of "Evolution of Man" seen above.
Returned from Petra to find Jules and Shaun, who had come to surprise the girls. Because no kosher restaurants were open, we decided to grill on the beach for dinner. It was the perfect Israel night, as well all drank and ate the most delicious burgers on matzah for hours and hours. Perfect.
The next day was spent on a different beach in Eilat, where we rented snorkels and relaxed for the day. Supposedly the Red Sea has the second best diving and snorkeling to the Great Barrier Reef. So did I have the second best time compared to what I could have had in Australia? No. I capitalized, and enjoyed dem fishies that we were lucky enough to check out.
All was great until Jules and I ventured a bit farther than we probably should've....then BAM, I was in the middle of "Finding Nemo" and I was surrounded by Jelly fish on all sides. Pretty crazy. I escaped with no pain, and instead of getting angry at the jellies, Faith and I befriended one of them. We named her Violet, and carried her around the beach for a bit. That's the three of us below. Me Violet and Faith. Menage-twawesome.
That night we went out to the boardwalk for some good fun, partying on the beach followed by some risk taking, compliments of the Slingshot Ride that shoots two people at a time hundreds of feet in the air, overlooking the whole city. Most of us went, and the experience was complimented by the owner of the ride constantly dedicating songs to me and Torey and our love for each other. It was quite amusing, considering he was dedicating some slow dance songs and some techno beats, none of which we really knew (other than the song we flew in the air during, Lose Yourself by Eminem. hot beat).
Came back to Herzliya yesterday, and now I'm in class for the first time in 26 days. My life is amazing. In the next few weeks I get to see Sean, Shane, Grace, Max, Perlman....the list goes on and on. Should be busy, but I can't wait.
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