I'm an asshole, but I promise it's not intentional

Last night I felt like a bad person. It was really funny though, so I have no regrets.

Our second housewarming party (because Amy couldn't be at the first one) was going well, with a good mix of WashU, home friends, camp friends, and randos all seeming to have a good time. The apartment above us also threw a party, so some people from their party trickled in as well. I was standing in the stairwell at one point when a group of girls passed, one of whom asking me if it was my party. I told her it was, and she mentioned that she "knew Barry Dan." I asked how, and she explained that her best friend was dating Barry's roommate Andrew. I exclaimed "well if you want to allow Andrew to hang out with his girlfriend and his best friend at the same time, you should date Barry so you can go on double dates! It would be perfect!" I brought her into the busy apartment, and yelled across the room for Barry to come over. I admit it was a bit awkward, but I felt like a matchmaker so I didn't care.

I let them talk for a few minutes, then I was tapped on the shoulder as she let me know that she was leaving. I looked at the two of them, paused, and said:

"It didn't work out?"

They sort of laughed, then she left. Barry looks at me and says:

"It didn't work out? IT DIDN'T WORK OUT?? I hooked up with her 3 weeks ago, asshole!"

It was amazing. I love my life.

My Top 5 TV show clips from the fall that make me laugh (that I could find)

Certain moments this fall on TV really did it for me. Let's go through them a bit.

HARDCORE PARKOUR- The Office
(the title explains it all)




Modern Family
This has been the most surprising show of the fall for me, and while I could have picked a cliche clip like the Lion King excerpt, I picked this little part of an episode a couple of weeks ago because I liked it (and couldn't find the clip from the end of the episode where the family sings Dylan's "Do Me" song in harmony)



Always Sunny is phenomenal. And when I watch this clip I think about all the amazing business ideas I've had with Lucas, and I'm reminded that Lucas Cupkovic essentially is a real life Charlie Kelly, so any of our commercials would have ended up like this...in a good way.



Again, a Charlie clip...he's a "full on rapist"



milksteak.

How did I get home last night?

I don't know how I got home. I think I walked. But that would have been a 30 minute walk in the cold. But I don't remember taking a cab. hmm. Let's recap.

Last night was Night#2 in my three night stretch of open bars every night. I showed up at the NYU Monopoly event with no expectations, and found a stocked open bar and a prime rib dinner. Supposedly tickets cost $250, but StreetEasy sponsored the event so it was free for myself and my date, Alex Bergson. It was a blast, except when an intern at The Real Deal, a sophomore in college, made me do a tequila shot. That was straight up unnecessary.

We ended up following the Real Deal crew to another party at 230 5th, the rooftop bar famous for letting me in by pretending to be Gene Wilder's grandson. Well we didn't have tickets to the party, but somehow we got in. The intern didn't. I don't think we were upset.

The roof was obviously cold, so the venue gave out red robes to keep people warm. I wanted a red robe. I think I tried to steal one and didn't get away with it. What a letdown.

At some point after this I got home. I'm amazed at how blogging about the event helped me piece together the night. Bergson just texted me so I know he's ok. Open bars will be the end of me, and with Linus tonight in the STL and Seans Bday Saturday at Guo Bin, I hope I make it to work on Monday....but it's not lookin good

How 22 Almost One-Upped 21

My 21st was an unhealthy time in my life, as I detailed in my last post. Well, my 22nd was not much healthier, but it definitely lasted longer (5 days of Me, somehow). I'll go through the events, followed by some fun things I've seen around and taken pictures of lately.

Day 1: Wednesday, The Actual Birthday

Left work to go meet Bob at his place so we could watch the Nets v Nuggets game. When I got there, Bob and Ray had thrown a surprise party for me, with some good friends planning to go to the game with us. We had an amazing time, especially with the surprise of Annie coming to be there for the weekend. Great night, and the Nuggets kicked ass.

Day 2: Thursday, Kickball and Ricky Gervais

Left work to play Kickball for the Big Bangers, who I should mention were almost as dominant as the Nuggets. I had to leave early, as Barry surprised me with tickets to see Ricky Gervais do standup live. He was great, and we ended up at a Wall Street Journal Open Bar afterparty. 2 Birthdays in, Jared is happy.

Day 3: Friday, Benihana

No Birthday is complete without a little "Japanese Happy Song" after some Hibachi Steak and fried rice. I love that place. After my current occupation I will be opening up a Kosher Hibachi place called either "Heebachi" or "Benichhhhana"

Day 4: Saturday, The Party

The party started at my place around 10. The Apt got packed pretty fast. I puked by 11, then rallied and drank the rest of the night without telling anyone. Here are some highlights from the bar in pictures:

Dance off between Bob, Ray, and Ben. Bob relied on step dancing, Ray relied on Break dancing, and Ben relied on fun dancing. Oh, and I did the worm supposedly.




At one point I took off my belt and took this picture with Ben. I don't know why. But I sent this picture to barry with the message "So Lovers." I don't know what that means.



Day 5: Chelsea and Improv

Sunday night Annie, Ray, Yano and I went to the Upright Citizens Brigade Improv show. On the way there, we saw a child who looked EXACTLY like Ugly Betty. I took a picture, because I'm an asshole.


On the way to the club, I saw this poster in a gay porn shop window. Oh New York.


The improv show was completely free, and the cast included Amy Poehler, Seth Myers, Jack mcBryar (kenneth from 30 rock), some other SNL and 30 Rock guys, and was hosted by John Hamm from Mad Men. It was hilarious, and made me want to do longform Improv. Sadly, I'm lazy and busy at the same time. Not a good combination for trying to be a comedian in NY.


So that's the birthday. Yesterday we had lunch in Union Square, and I took a picture of Ben's Swollen Uvula. Take a peek.




Yucky. Anyway, thanks everyone for a great 22nd Birthday, it showed me how great my friends are and how lucky I am.

Birthdays over the years

As I woke up this morning around 7:30, I got a bit nostalgic about my life and all of my past birthdays (yah, today is my big 2-2). I then got depressed about how I don't remember all of my birthdays, which is an excuse you can use in college for obvious reasons, but not for when you turned 13. So, I brainstormed and here's my list of birthday memories I can think of:

4- Joint Halloween Birthday with Andy Draper (above: pic of us four years later. We aged nicely) . I think we threw it at my house, and I was dressed as a clown while Andy dressed as Batman. We had a good crew there, probably some sweet goody bags, and we hired a real clown for entertainment. Probably took away some thunder from me as the only other clown in the room, but he had some tricks I couldn't pull off at the time. Big ups to him.

5- Had a party in USDS, my kindergarten. Schecter and Chellie were there. We ate cupcakes. That's all I remember.

6- First birthday in Denver. Rondi, my first grade teacher, did some balloon stunt to impress us. Not quite as entertaining as the clown, but impressive for a teacher.

8- Pinata outside my house (memorable attendees included Sam, Elie Z, Ben F and Ben S, Jamey, and Jason D) then Woody's pizza. Good time.

11- Probably the most distinct memory. I played hockey, so I wanted to show off my skills; we had an ice skating party at Big Bear (which I believe has closed down...sad). All was fine and dandy until Courtney H fell and cut her finger. She was bleeding profusely. We freaked out, and my dad came up with a solution--
He started sucking on her finger.
I've never felt so uncomfortable. They say it's awkward walking in on your parents having sex. Try walking in on your dad sucking on your friend's finger.

12- We have a group of about 16, and we go to the Avalanche game. In the car ride over, My dad drives Shauna and some girls (Romi and Devra?) with Sam in the front seat. Shauna spends the ride talking about her new bras. My dad tells Sam to stay quiet and just listen. The next few years are filled with "Hi Shauna"
"Hi Art"
"How are the bras"
"Good thanks."

Almost as awkward as the finger sucking.

13- No one cares about my birthday because I had a bar mitzvah coming up. Thanks.

16- Dad takes me to an Avalanche game and "forget the tickets." I should've caught on, because he's never forgotten tickets in any of the other 21 years I've been alive. I get home to a surprise 16th bday, full of good friends and Catered Chipotle. Did I mention the Catered Chipotle? Oh yah, we had Catered Chipotle. My mom knows me so well.

18- I think I FINALLY used my REAL 18 YEAR OLD ID to get into a club! Lucky me! Probably the Vault or something. Yay.

19- Joint birthday party with Sara Reynolds. Wow, that was a failure. Sara bailed halfway after leaving some pierced weirdos in the room alone with me. What a sweetheart. I think I got Nuggets Pajamas that year though, so it was an overall victory.

20- No recollection, not because I was drunk, though I probably was. I just have no idea what we did on my birthday. Let me know if you remember.

21- At 12, handed my ID to security at Lumiere and gambled legally for the first time. Made big bucks off Danny Drews advice, although he lost a bunch.
The next night, Barack Obama became president, and 20 of my best friends and I sat in an empty bar watching his speech and drinking. Wait, that's not what happened. I sat there drinking, and they fed me 18 shots and watched. I ended up giving a speech about Obama, my weight, and Israel, which rivaled Obama's speech in passion though likely not in content.

Drink 18: Sean hands me a shot, tells me it's delicious. It's straight grape vodka. I puke in the beer bucket on the table. Mishkin bets me $100 to puke on Sean, and I chase him around the block to no avail. Woke up without a hangover the next morning. Best Birthday ever.


Moral of the story: I've lived an amazing life, had some interesting birthdays, and am lucky to have always had great friends around me for all of them. Thanks for everything, and if you're in NYC over the next 4 days, get ready for a lot of fun.

Song of the day before my birthday

This is it- Miley Cyrus + Notorious BIG: Party and Bullshit in the USA

Tomorrow's my bday. So today I am listening to Biggie and Miley singing at the same time. Life is good.

Halloween

I had no expectations for Halloween. I hadn't picked a costume until the Friday, when I went to a vintage store across the street to get a vest. No big plans, I thought it would just be an average weekend. It sort of was, but at least some weird shit happened to spice it up.

Starting on Friday night--we went to Diener's bday, and I had thought it was going to be a dress up party. Andrew, Rachel and I dressed as nerds, and no one else at the party was dressed up. Luckily, all I had to do was untuck my shirt, take off my fake glasses, roll down my pants, and
even I wasn't dressed up. I'm a fuckin Transformer.

The night wasn't especially exciting, though it ended at Pommes Frites where I endulged myself in a delicious Poutine (link included for non-Canadians). A girl in the line wanted to try it. I scooped it into her hand, and she smiled for this pic:

:

Oh yah, and I saw kids dressed as chickens (like Annie and I were dressed last year). I took a picture. They weren't thrilled.

Saturday started with a good ole Essa Bagel, followed by 2pm day drinking at Bergson's. That is too early to start drinking if you plan on staying out all day and all night. 5 Hours of Drinking games later, five of us decided to go check out the Halloween Parade happening down the block. There were thousands of people watching, how could we get a good spot? We first tried convincing people my sister was sick and lost, and if as a group we yelled "Shane!" we could potentially find her. We had about 20 people at a time yelling my sisters name. She's in Hong Kong.

Then Kyle VH decided we should just get in the parade. Brilliant idea. KVH, Butters and I climbed over the barrier and joined the parade, with thousands of people taking pictures of our every move as we proceeded down 6th Avenue like celebrities. Some Highlights included:

Ugly Scary People



Alice in Wonderland and Dorothy crushing on us



Team Nickelodeon--Me (Quail Man), and the Global Guts Girls +AgroCrag

Over 100 people started doing the Thriller dance in coordination. We somehow ended up in the group, before being escorted away for "not knowing the dance." That's f-ing discrimination. Oh well.




As we walked out of the parade, we took cover from the rain in a store entrance, where we were approached by "Santa Dressed as Michael Jackson." He also happened to be a midget and rode a Segway. Had to take a picture of him and Wilma from the Flinstones, who kissed me on the cheek cuz she liked me.

Rest of the night was anticlamactic. Some bar hopping, some costumes, the usual. But either way, Halloween had it's moments, and I'm glad I was a part of it. Oh, and here's Dino, dressed as a rabbi, as he ran into some other religious folk.

Broncos, Avs, and Nuggets are playing today. I'll be watching all the games with Bob. Go Denver!