"Get Over It!"-- A case study on how to cast the perfect teen movie

I don't even need to really explain this one. The cast of this 2001 chick flick is simply awesome.

Kirsten Dunst
Ben Foster
Martin Short
Colin Hanks
Zoe Saldana
Mila Kunis
Sisqo


All of these people have become uber famous (I guess Sisqo doesn't really fit in to the list, though the Thong Song is pretty sweet). And, the movie was sweet. How did they know that Zoe Saldana would turn into Ms. Avatar? That Mila Kunis would become the hottest Jewish actress since Natalie Portman? That Colin Hanks would be Tom Hanks' son?

Carnies are the worst

I've never really had any reason to hate Carnies over the course of my life. Whenever I go to a carnival, my mindset has always been "if I don't win a prize today it's my own fault due to a lack of coordination or bad luck, it has nothing to do with these creepy frail men with thin mustaches and tattoos." I admit, this has led to many sad nights, but I always figured I should be a realist and not just a blame-queen.

That all ended on Saturday.

I went to the street fair in Hells Kitchen, and saw the basketball game. Here are two pictures of it--one of them includes a carny!

It all looks nice and innocent right? WRONG. It looked like a simple 12 footer, but no one could make it. I got suspicious and took a pic from the side view.

Those mofos bent the rim! Rather than a circular rim, everyone was shooting at an ovular rim with a depth of a foot or less. A basketball's diameter is only about 9.5 inches, and a regular rim has a diameter of about 18 inches, meaning it was borderline impossible to make this shot. 

Yah, I guess I could've expected this out of carnies. But when I think about how many kids step up to that net with high hopes just to get their dreams crushed and days ruined, I feel crushed inside. At the next carnival I attend I plan on exposing this ruse with a megaphone and a stage. I'll be a hero.

"The Google": A case study into the ridiculousness of the web

Every few weeks I make a habit of googling myself. I don't do this because I fear that potential employers are trying to dig up dirt on me ( I already have a job and they embrace the ridiculousness of my google results...I think) nor am I extremely self absorbed. Rather, I do this because it gives me a glimpse into how the internet sees me, which I then compare to how I see myself. After doing this analysis, I sort of feel like Google sees me as a terrible first date and is looking for faults to pick on me for. I'll go through the top results so you can see what I mean.

Number one is by far the most baffling. Brian Reeves was in BBYO with me for maybe 2 years in High School. I haven't talked to him since I left Denver five years ago. Somehow, he created a Myspace profile under the name "Super Jew" and put the following information in his bio:

Before I complain about this, I have to ask if anybody understands what this means. Is he trying to say "I'd like to meet Jared K again because I was so lucky to meet him when I did?" or "I know I'm sooooo lucky (sarcastically) to have met Jared K"? Brian, if you're reading this, either explain yourself or get it off your fucking 25 friend myspace page. It's embarrassing enough to have  a myspace page, but the 25 friends and pictures of Llamas that cover yours really take it to another level. Be a man, get rid of it and stop making me look like an idiot.

2. LinkedIn. Ok, fine with this. Wish it was #1.

3. My fake StreetEasy profile...this probably shouldn't be there, as someone may think I'm a real estate agent, but I don't particularly care.

4. An article about how Sean and I inspired a WashU trip/internship program in Israel. Not too bad, we're sweet.

5. An article about a position I had in BBYO. So far, the trend is toward Google thinking I'm still in High school.

6. The trend continues--a update from my High School, including a quote about how Dani and I flew a  helicopter to break out our school's color war. That's sweet.

7. 

Ok, this one is tough, because I like it and dislike it at the same time. I like it because it says Hoban and I were Intramural athletic champions (which we were). Unfortunately, the text makes it look like we won 135 lb. and under Arm Wrestling, which we didn't win. We won golf. Whatever, at least it isn't talking about how I'm a "super jew who is still in high school."

9. Camp White Pine staff list from 2006. Google, you say you're up to date and have all these relevant results, but you keep proving the oppo. Dang

12. The Chanukah Song Bob and I made last year. Embarrassing maybe, but I generally have no shame so I don't care.

13. The youtube video Dani and Bob and I made 3 years ago for a samsung contest. This actually makes me ashamed. Oh well.

14. Nastar (ski racing) results from when I was 9 years old at Vail. I got a bronze medal. Shane got a Silver. Damnit.

15. A blog post Sean wrote when he was hurt wishing me a safe trip to Israel when I was going abraod. Awwwwww.

27. This blog. Yay!

Overall, I've learned from this experience that Google is making me look like shit, but I am luckily in a phase in my life that I couldn't care less. One day you'll have to start treating me with respect, Google, but until then just get rid of that Myspace page and bump up the article about how I flew in a helicopter. Thanks!



UPDATE: Brian just accepted my fbook friend request and is getting rid of the super jew thing. No explanation yet though.

From The Crust to The Cure: How I beat Blepharitis

Those who know me best know how I use self deprecating humor often as a way to escape the sadness I endure at the thought of my numerous faults. I make fun of my moles and eyebrows all the time, along with my Canadianism, because I know that if I don't say it first there'll just be somebody behind my back saying "yah you know Jared, he's the kid with the moles and eyebrows from Canada."

Well, it turns out I now have one less thing to make fun of. No, I did not get my moles removed (despite Alwyn's attempt to destroy my self esteem freshman year... here's his photoshopped pic in case you forgot about it)

Those who have gotten closest with me over the years know of my struggle to fight a terrible disease known as Blepharitis. It essentially involves my eyes getting bloodshot and crusty when I wake up as a result of sleeping with my eyes open (not fully open, I'm not a creep...just sorta semi-peeking at all times). THAT'S why everyone always accused me of being a stoner growing up despite my avoidance of smoking. Frickin Blepharitis kept girls away who wanted to look me in the eyes, kept teachers away who wanted to trust that I wasn't going to turn their exam papers into joints, and kept my friends amused when they needed something original to pick on me for.

The basic cure for blepharitis is rubbing baby shampoo on your eyes every morning. I've known that since I was 8, but I have always been too lazy to do it and never wanted to give in to The Man and take precautions for my own health (also the reason I will ever take lactade pills...f them). I accepted my disease and hoped one day it would just get bored or something.

Last week I woke up and realized that I have really beautiful blue eyes. How did I realize this? I could see them! My eyes weren't bloodshot! And the crust was gone! I defeated Blepharitis without even trying!

If I learned anything from Blepharitis, it's that The Man CAN be beat without any actual effort. If something upsets you and makes you feel down and out about yourself, just wait a couple of years and you may just wake up in the morning with clear eyes and borderline feminine-ly long lashes. And in the back of your head you'll forever have a reservoir of jokes about the cause of the crust being cumshots to the eye, and a supply of baby shampoo that will last a lifetime.

My moment of fame

Wow, I haven't blogged in a while. I'm pretty sure Sean is the only person who has been disappointed by this, but nonetheless, I'm back. Not much has been too crazy in my life, but last Saturday/Sunday were just amusing enough to write about (primarily so I can remember the events when I get...shit what's it called...oh yah Alzheimers. See??? I'm too young for these symptoms!).

Saturday night was supposed to be a simple night, due to the fact that we knew the WashU bball game was early the next morning and we needed to be in top shape. Barry, Ben, Ed, Lucas and I went to our favorite BYOB sushi place, killed a handle of Nikolai, then traveled to Nikki's bday party downtown. I don't remember much, but at one point I went into a bathroom with two girls strictly for convenience's sake (I didn't want to wait in line obvi). If you were one of these two girls, let me know, because I completely forgot who they were. Anyway, the bouncer starts pounding on the door to get us out of the bathroom because they thought we were doing freaky stuff. Even if we had been doing freaky stuff (we didn't), that guy's gotta be more polite. Knocking once or twice would've gotten the message across, I don't need that aggression in my life.

Don't remember getting home, though I think Luke and I walked. Sunday morning we woke up at 10 for our Yano Bagels + Power hour, which couldn't have gone better. We had about 25 people, plenty of WashU gear, and dixie shot glasses galore for the earliest power hour I've personally ever done. We played the chatroulette drinking game first (if you haven't played it, you haven't lived life...I'll discuss later), and once we got to the game we were all in great form. There were more WashU fans than NYU fans, which Sido embraced for his "WashU Home Game" chant. During halftime I peed next to Dean Carroll (Dean of Students at WU) and had a full conversation about the party that had taken place. Brilliant.

After I passed out for 4 hours, Yano, Diener, Meade and I went to the Upright Citizens Brigade show that we go to almost every sunday night...but this one was different. It was Valentines Day, so the guys introducing the show asked who was on a date. Not many people were, so they set out to match up a couple from the audience. The first two volunteers sucked, so they asked for more, and no one was takin'. Then a cute blonde girl offered herself, and as she got on stage I realized that generally, in my life, I have no shame. So, I volunteered.

When we got on stage, they asked us to say our favorite food on 3. She yelled "Meatballs" as I yelled "Sushi" which isn't even my favorite food but was on my mind. Everybody laughed, then they recapped.

"Ok, so Emily said Meatballs and Jared said--"
I interrupted.
"Meatballs"

Everybody laughed, and Emily moved in to kiss me. That's called lying to get women.

During the intermission, she gave me her number. We haven't spoken, but the fact that I got a number on stage with SNL actors made me proud to be as ridiculous as I am.

Counting down the decade- 2001

2001 was a pretty good year. I hit the high school, my voice was still high, and I started flirting with girls more aggressively. Here's what else happened, categorized:

2001 socially:
-I joined BBYO, and was put in AZA 6. The day I joined 6 was a day I'll never forget--I was given my first porn, which is still hidden today in my sports card closet (what, you thought I really only used that for hockey cards?) and I think I was taken to Hooters, where I learned about "Pizza Porn and Poker" nights.  Those guys really corrupted me.
-Josh Knafo was highly involved in mine and Jules' lives. He taught Jules how to shoplift from the grocery store, and taught me how to shave my mustache and drink Mikes Hard Lemonade. No one found the empty bottles for 3 years, and when my mom did find them in 11th grade, she was shocked and appalled. Good thing she didn't know I had actually drank them longgggg before, I woulda been sent to rehab knowing her.


2001 in love:
-Summer at White Pine was uneventful love-wise other than the experience making out with Drew. I was so excited, I woke up the next morning to tell Adam R. Levine. His response--"No you didn't, she made out with Greenberg last night." So, Drew made out with me, and it was so bad that she had to follow it with Brian. Fuck. Oh, and supposedly she made out with Rotty earlier in the night. What a B.
- Took Melyssa Feiler on a date to Elitches (6 Flags for non Denverites). We got on the Ferris Wheel, and I knew we were going to kiss, so I very very subtly took off the rubber bands in my braces in preparation. Shane was there somewhere, so when we started kissing we had to stop as the wheel hit the bottom of its cycle. It was amazing. I was a stud.

2001 in Sports: Invesco Field Opens for the Broncos, Barry Bonds does some roids and jacks 73 HR's, AVS WIN THE SNALEY CUP AND I'M AT GAME SEVEN WHEN THEY WIN IT. That made my year. Watching Ray Bourque hoist it for the first time is just plain boner-worthy. Even better than the Ferris Wheel kiss, no joke.

I feel so old

I know I promised to count down the years of the last decade in my life---I promise I'll get to it eventually---but for now I thought I'd share something quick.

The other day I left work and got excited. Why? Because I was using my new briefcase. I'm aging wayyyy too fast. I almost want to throw out the briefcase to make a statement of revolt, but I really like it so I'm going to hold off.