One Direction the Optimists, Ke$ha the Pessimist

Two of the top 10 songs on the radio right now are Ke$ha's "Die Young" and One Direction's "Live While We're Young."

If you listen to the lyrics, you'll find that both songs promote living life and enjoying the night, specifically getting physical with someone (One Direction phrases it as "Tonight let's get some" and Ke$ha says "So while you're here in my arms let's make the most of the night").

The difference is that Ke$ha gets all negative on us. She starts repeating "We're gonna die young," while our favorite British boy band starts repeating "Live while we're young." Both are suggesting a carpe diem lifestyle, but the 'Tik Tok' lady decides to get depressing.

Both songs are catchy though, so enjoy them and remember to get some girls in your arms tonight and live while you're going to die young....or something like that.

Katy Perry

She doesn't know shit. 

Hangovers and phone numbers saved as "Tara MarqueePool" in your phone are what you get for waking up in Vegas.

Why do all girls in their 20's train for half marathons?

I met someone last week who, when asked about how she was in such good shape, replied, "I'm training for a half marathon." I immediately had deja-deja-deja vu...how many times in the last few months have I met a girl who said she was training for a half marathon? The answer is simple: too many. There's no way all of these girls have the patience/time/motivation to go through with it. And if they can finish the race, why not a full marathon?

I had to investigate.

In a recently conducted poll of the Global Strategy Group/StreetEasy office, five women in their low to mid-20's admitted to all having said they have trained for a half marathon, versus only one respondent saying she had never made such claims. Their answers were diverse, though, as to why they trained (4 and 5 were my personal favorites).

Subject 1: I've always wanted to because I like to run, but haven't raced yet.
Subject 2: I used to train, but never ended up doing the race.
Subject 3: I trained on and off for a long time, just haven't gone through with it yet.
Subject 4: I trained for a marathon but never ran it BECAUSE I GOT HIT BY A CAR!
Subject 5: My friends and I decided we would tell guys we were training for a marathon because it would make us look athletic and impress them. Then we decided that a half marathon was more believable, so we stuck with that.

Not sure if subject #5 is the norm, but I wouldn't be surprised. Now, I wonder, what's so impressive about this feat that EVERYONE is jumping on board? Here's my theory:

1. Girls love to run on treadmills or ellipticals. If you run on a treadmill, the distance you think you can run is inflated because there aren't variables to slow you down or cars to hit you (like poor Subject #4 had to deal with), and you can do shit like I do where I jump a bit so I'm soaring through the air rather than actually running.

2. If you can run 3 miles on a treadmill, why wouldn't you convince yourself you could run more than 13? It's sort of like eating chicken wings. If you can eat 10, why couldn't you eat 50 if you were hungry enough?

3. Girls love goals and resolutions. On NYE I made one resolution--that by 2012 I'd be able to do a standing backflip like some football players do when they celebrate TD's. It may be lofty, but at least I have another year to talk about doing it. Girls love resolutions like "run a half marathon" because it fulfills their need for a resolution but sounds achievable.

4. Girls who run get to wear Lululemon pants. Girls look great in Lululemon pants. I am not opposed to this aspect of the sport.

5.  Guys like hearing that girls are driven, or at least girls think guys like hearing that girls are driven. It shows dedication to something. People love dedication, or at least the promise of potential dedication (see: subject's #2 and #3).

All in all, I learned a lot from this survey, but I've decided that it's not a bad thing at all. People training for half marathons KNOW they need to train outside to get a real feel for it, and that promotes outdoor activity which I'm a fan of. Run your hearts out ladies. Personally, I'd suggest rollerblading a half marathon. It's much easier and people will think you're super cool.

"Get Over It!"-- A case study on how to cast the perfect teen movie

I don't even need to really explain this one. The cast of this 2001 chick flick is simply awesome.

Kirsten Dunst
Ben Foster
Martin Short
Colin Hanks
Zoe Saldana
Mila Kunis
Sisqo


All of these people have become uber famous (I guess Sisqo doesn't really fit in to the list, though the Thong Song is pretty sweet). And, the movie was sweet. How did they know that Zoe Saldana would turn into Ms. Avatar? That Mila Kunis would become the hottest Jewish actress since Natalie Portman? That Colin Hanks would be Tom Hanks' son?

Carnies are the worst

I've never really had any reason to hate Carnies over the course of my life. Whenever I go to a carnival, my mindset has always been "if I don't win a prize today it's my own fault due to a lack of coordination or bad luck, it has nothing to do with these creepy frail men with thin mustaches and tattoos." I admit, this has led to many sad nights, but I always figured I should be a realist and not just a blame-queen.

That all ended on Saturday.

I went to the street fair in Hells Kitchen, and saw the basketball game. Here are two pictures of it--one of them includes a carny!

It all looks nice and innocent right? WRONG. It looked like a simple 12 footer, but no one could make it. I got suspicious and took a pic from the side view.

Those mofos bent the rim! Rather than a circular rim, everyone was shooting at an ovular rim with a depth of a foot or less. A basketball's diameter is only about 9.5 inches, and a regular rim has a diameter of about 18 inches, meaning it was borderline impossible to make this shot. 

Yah, I guess I could've expected this out of carnies. But when I think about how many kids step up to that net with high hopes just to get their dreams crushed and days ruined, I feel crushed inside. At the next carnival I attend I plan on exposing this ruse with a megaphone and a stage. I'll be a hero.

"The Google": A case study into the ridiculousness of the web

Every few weeks I make a habit of googling myself. I don't do this because I fear that potential employers are trying to dig up dirt on me ( I already have a job and they embrace the ridiculousness of my google results...I think) nor am I extremely self absorbed. Rather, I do this because it gives me a glimpse into how the internet sees me, which I then compare to how I see myself. After doing this analysis, I sort of feel like Google sees me as a terrible first date and is looking for faults to pick on me for. I'll go through the top results so you can see what I mean.

Number one is by far the most baffling. Brian Reeves was in BBYO with me for maybe 2 years in High School. I haven't talked to him since I left Denver five years ago. Somehow, he created a Myspace profile under the name "Super Jew" and put the following information in his bio:

Before I complain about this, I have to ask if anybody understands what this means. Is he trying to say "I'd like to meet Jared K again because I was so lucky to meet him when I did?" or "I know I'm sooooo lucky (sarcastically) to have met Jared K"? Brian, if you're reading this, either explain yourself or get it off your fucking 25 friend myspace page. It's embarrassing enough to have  a myspace page, but the 25 friends and pictures of Llamas that cover yours really take it to another level. Be a man, get rid of it and stop making me look like an idiot.

2. LinkedIn. Ok, fine with this. Wish it was #1.

3. My fake StreetEasy profile...this probably shouldn't be there, as someone may think I'm a real estate agent, but I don't particularly care.

4. An article about how Sean and I inspired a WashU trip/internship program in Israel. Not too bad, we're sweet.

5. An article about a position I had in BBYO. So far, the trend is toward Google thinking I'm still in High school.

6. The trend continues--a update from my High School, including a quote about how Dani and I flew a  helicopter to break out our school's color war. That's sweet.

7. 

Ok, this one is tough, because I like it and dislike it at the same time. I like it because it says Hoban and I were Intramural athletic champions (which we were). Unfortunately, the text makes it look like we won 135 lb. and under Arm Wrestling, which we didn't win. We won golf. Whatever, at least it isn't talking about how I'm a "super jew who is still in high school."

9. Camp White Pine staff list from 2006. Google, you say you're up to date and have all these relevant results, but you keep proving the oppo. Dang

12. The Chanukah Song Bob and I made last year. Embarrassing maybe, but I generally have no shame so I don't care.

13. The youtube video Dani and Bob and I made 3 years ago for a samsung contest. This actually makes me ashamed. Oh well.

14. Nastar (ski racing) results from when I was 9 years old at Vail. I got a bronze medal. Shane got a Silver. Damnit.

15. A blog post Sean wrote when he was hurt wishing me a safe trip to Israel when I was going abraod. Awwwwww.

27. This blog. Yay!

Overall, I've learned from this experience that Google is making me look like shit, but I am luckily in a phase in my life that I couldn't care less. One day you'll have to start treating me with respect, Google, but until then just get rid of that Myspace page and bump up the article about how I flew in a helicopter. Thanks!



UPDATE: Brian just accepted my fbook friend request and is getting rid of the super jew thing. No explanation yet though.

From The Crust to The Cure: How I beat Blepharitis

Those who know me best know how I use self deprecating humor often as a way to escape the sadness I endure at the thought of my numerous faults. I make fun of my moles and eyebrows all the time, along with my Canadianism, because I know that if I don't say it first there'll just be somebody behind my back saying "yah you know Jared, he's the kid with the moles and eyebrows from Canada."

Well, it turns out I now have one less thing to make fun of. No, I did not get my moles removed (despite Alwyn's attempt to destroy my self esteem freshman year... here's his photoshopped pic in case you forgot about it)

Those who have gotten closest with me over the years know of my struggle to fight a terrible disease known as Blepharitis. It essentially involves my eyes getting bloodshot and crusty when I wake up as a result of sleeping with my eyes open (not fully open, I'm not a creep...just sorta semi-peeking at all times). THAT'S why everyone always accused me of being a stoner growing up despite my avoidance of smoking. Frickin Blepharitis kept girls away who wanted to look me in the eyes, kept teachers away who wanted to trust that I wasn't going to turn their exam papers into joints, and kept my friends amused when they needed something original to pick on me for.

The basic cure for blepharitis is rubbing baby shampoo on your eyes every morning. I've known that since I was 8, but I have always been too lazy to do it and never wanted to give in to The Man and take precautions for my own health (also the reason I will ever take lactade pills...f them). I accepted my disease and hoped one day it would just get bored or something.

Last week I woke up and realized that I have really beautiful blue eyes. How did I realize this? I could see them! My eyes weren't bloodshot! And the crust was gone! I defeated Blepharitis without even trying!

If I learned anything from Blepharitis, it's that The Man CAN be beat without any actual effort. If something upsets you and makes you feel down and out about yourself, just wait a couple of years and you may just wake up in the morning with clear eyes and borderline feminine-ly long lashes. And in the back of your head you'll forever have a reservoir of jokes about the cause of the crust being cumshots to the eye, and a supply of baby shampoo that will last a lifetime.