From The Crust to The Cure: How I beat Blepharitis

Those who know me best know how I use self deprecating humor often as a way to escape the sadness I endure at the thought of my numerous faults. I make fun of my moles and eyebrows all the time, along with my Canadianism, because I know that if I don't say it first there'll just be somebody behind my back saying "yah you know Jared, he's the kid with the moles and eyebrows from Canada."

Well, it turns out I now have one less thing to make fun of. No, I did not get my moles removed (despite Alwyn's attempt to destroy my self esteem freshman year... here's his photoshopped pic in case you forgot about it)

Those who have gotten closest with me over the years know of my struggle to fight a terrible disease known as Blepharitis. It essentially involves my eyes getting bloodshot and crusty when I wake up as a result of sleeping with my eyes open (not fully open, I'm not a creep...just sorta semi-peeking at all times). THAT'S why everyone always accused me of being a stoner growing up despite my avoidance of smoking. Frickin Blepharitis kept girls away who wanted to look me in the eyes, kept teachers away who wanted to trust that I wasn't going to turn their exam papers into joints, and kept my friends amused when they needed something original to pick on me for.

The basic cure for blepharitis is rubbing baby shampoo on your eyes every morning. I've known that since I was 8, but I have always been too lazy to do it and never wanted to give in to The Man and take precautions for my own health (also the reason I will ever take lactade pills...f them). I accepted my disease and hoped one day it would just get bored or something.

Last week I woke up and realized that I have really beautiful blue eyes. How did I realize this? I could see them! My eyes weren't bloodshot! And the crust was gone! I defeated Blepharitis without even trying!

If I learned anything from Blepharitis, it's that The Man CAN be beat without any actual effort. If something upsets you and makes you feel down and out about yourself, just wait a couple of years and you may just wake up in the morning with clear eyes and borderline feminine-ly long lashes. And in the back of your head you'll forever have a reservoir of jokes about the cause of the crust being cumshots to the eye, and a supply of baby shampoo that will last a lifetime.

My moment of fame

Wow, I haven't blogged in a while. I'm pretty sure Sean is the only person who has been disappointed by this, but nonetheless, I'm back. Not much has been too crazy in my life, but last Saturday/Sunday were just amusing enough to write about (primarily so I can remember the events when I get...shit what's it called...oh yah Alzheimers. See??? I'm too young for these symptoms!).

Saturday night was supposed to be a simple night, due to the fact that we knew the WashU bball game was early the next morning and we needed to be in top shape. Barry, Ben, Ed, Lucas and I went to our favorite BYOB sushi place, killed a handle of Nikolai, then traveled to Nikki's bday party downtown. I don't remember much, but at one point I went into a bathroom with two girls strictly for convenience's sake (I didn't want to wait in line obvi). If you were one of these two girls, let me know, because I completely forgot who they were. Anyway, the bouncer starts pounding on the door to get us out of the bathroom because they thought we were doing freaky stuff. Even if we had been doing freaky stuff (we didn't), that guy's gotta be more polite. Knocking once or twice would've gotten the message across, I don't need that aggression in my life.

Don't remember getting home, though I think Luke and I walked. Sunday morning we woke up at 10 for our Yano Bagels + Power hour, which couldn't have gone better. We had about 25 people, plenty of WashU gear, and dixie shot glasses galore for the earliest power hour I've personally ever done. We played the chatroulette drinking game first (if you haven't played it, you haven't lived life...I'll discuss later), and once we got to the game we were all in great form. There were more WashU fans than NYU fans, which Sido embraced for his "WashU Home Game" chant. During halftime I peed next to Dean Carroll (Dean of Students at WU) and had a full conversation about the party that had taken place. Brilliant.

After I passed out for 4 hours, Yano, Diener, Meade and I went to the Upright Citizens Brigade show that we go to almost every sunday night...but this one was different. It was Valentines Day, so the guys introducing the show asked who was on a date. Not many people were, so they set out to match up a couple from the audience. The first two volunteers sucked, so they asked for more, and no one was takin'. Then a cute blonde girl offered herself, and as she got on stage I realized that generally, in my life, I have no shame. So, I volunteered.

When we got on stage, they asked us to say our favorite food on 3. She yelled "Meatballs" as I yelled "Sushi" which isn't even my favorite food but was on my mind. Everybody laughed, then they recapped.

"Ok, so Emily said Meatballs and Jared said--"
I interrupted.
"Meatballs"

Everybody laughed, and Emily moved in to kiss me. That's called lying to get women.

During the intermission, she gave me her number. We haven't spoken, but the fact that I got a number on stage with SNL actors made me proud to be as ridiculous as I am.

Counting down the decade- 2001

2001 was a pretty good year. I hit the high school, my voice was still high, and I started flirting with girls more aggressively. Here's what else happened, categorized:

2001 socially:
-I joined BBYO, and was put in AZA 6. The day I joined 6 was a day I'll never forget--I was given my first porn, which is still hidden today in my sports card closet (what, you thought I really only used that for hockey cards?) and I think I was taken to Hooters, where I learned about "Pizza Porn and Poker" nights.  Those guys really corrupted me.
-Josh Knafo was highly involved in mine and Jules' lives. He taught Jules how to shoplift from the grocery store, and taught me how to shave my mustache and drink Mikes Hard Lemonade. No one found the empty bottles for 3 years, and when my mom did find them in 11th grade, she was shocked and appalled. Good thing she didn't know I had actually drank them longgggg before, I woulda been sent to rehab knowing her.


2001 in love:
-Summer at White Pine was uneventful love-wise other than the experience making out with Drew. I was so excited, I woke up the next morning to tell Adam R. Levine. His response--"No you didn't, she made out with Greenberg last night." So, Drew made out with me, and it was so bad that she had to follow it with Brian. Fuck. Oh, and supposedly she made out with Rotty earlier in the night. What a B.
- Took Melyssa Feiler on a date to Elitches (6 Flags for non Denverites). We got on the Ferris Wheel, and I knew we were going to kiss, so I very very subtly took off the rubber bands in my braces in preparation. Shane was there somewhere, so when we started kissing we had to stop as the wheel hit the bottom of its cycle. It was amazing. I was a stud.

2001 in Sports: Invesco Field Opens for the Broncos, Barry Bonds does some roids and jacks 73 HR's, AVS WIN THE SNALEY CUP AND I'M AT GAME SEVEN WHEN THEY WIN IT. That made my year. Watching Ray Bourque hoist it for the first time is just plain boner-worthy. Even better than the Ferris Wheel kiss, no joke.

I feel so old

I know I promised to count down the years of the last decade in my life---I promise I'll get to it eventually---but for now I thought I'd share something quick.

The other day I left work and got excited. Why? Because I was using my new briefcase. I'm aging wayyyy too fast. I almost want to throw out the briefcase to make a statement of revolt, but I really like it so I'm going to hold off.

Counting down my life in the past decade-- The Year 2000

It's 2AM and I can't sleep because I just watched a pirated version of The Blind Side and it's got me thinking. Wait, that's a lie, I can't sleep because Ben just came home with a girl and a thing of garlic knots, so I ate those (the garlic knots) and decided to write about my favorite memories from the last decade. Here they are, enjoy!

2000:
8th grade; my Bar Mitzvah year. For those who weren't in attendance, my Bar Mitzvah took place at the top of Vail, and was the bomb diggity. Here are the good and bad parts of the event:

Good
-We stayed in a hotel at the base of the mountain, and our suite had its own hot tub. Somehow, Bob, Lorne and I were in it and convinced Megan L, Elyse, and Marisa to take off their bathing suits. I didn't even have pubic hair, and I was already making girls take their shirts off. Go me.
-The party was tons of fun, including Scott the typical Bar Mitzvah DJ and his dancers, one of whom was a Broncos cheerleader and flirted with me. Looking back, she probably wasn't flirting with me and was just being nice because we paid her to dance, but at least she made me happy (I just re-read that sentence and realized my dad was sending me terrible messages when I was a child. Oh well).

Bad
-I told my parents that I wanted to hang out with my friends during the day instead of skiing with my family. Now I live in New York, and would do anything to be skiing with my family. Bad choice, me.
- We felt bad for all the kosher kids who were coming up from my class at school, so instead of just using the caterers in Vail, my mom had special Kosher food brought up. Guess what? The Kosher motherfuckers brought their own food, even though they knew that my mom had the food delivered special for them. Fuck that, I would have loved me some shrimp and lobster the day I became a man, but I settled for strictly dairy to appease Lisa Greenstein. Booooo.
-Shane and Becky caught us in the hot tub when the girls took their shirts off, but didn't actually see anything, only hearing us through the door. They told our parents that we were playing strip poker, which we got in trouble for. Strip poker? Really Shane? We were in a fucking hot tub! We didn't have cards! I got in trouble at my own Bar Mitzvah for something I didn't even do!
-Shauna and Devra sing a  remix of the "Only Gay Eskimo Song" to the new lyrics of "Only Boy with 2 Moles." I become a man, and then I sink into my seat as I realize that for the rest of my life I'm still gonna get shit for these fucking beauty marks. At least they give me character.

2000 in sports:
Tiger wins 3 majors, Ray Bourque gets traded to the Avs, The Nuggets trade Chauncey away and suck, the Broncos lose Elway and Mile High Stadium, the Rockies trade Dante Bichette so we all know the Blake St. Bomber days are over, and I peak as a three point shooter for the RMHA Middle School Basketball team.

2000 in love:
I exchange altoids with Sarah Lipsitz, this being my first time using tongue during a kiss. My obsession with Devra Feld is nearing its end, as she has begun flirting with Jules and I might as well concede the battle (he did become an Israeli soldier after all). I'm still sort of shy, so not much love in my life overall, though I was introduced to paperback hardcore porn for the first time via my first BBYO event.

Stay tuned for my update on what happened in 2001!

Fun with Pictures

I'm not much of a photographer, but since I moved to NY I've fallen in love with taken pictures with my phone. I guess it's a product of seeing lots of amusing shit. So, here's some pictures I've taken and an explanation of their value (some are pretty ridiculous)


Shane and I took this picture during one of her advanced finance classes in Hong Kong. She was CLEARLY never taught any manners, because everyone knows how rude it is to point at people. Then again....this girl in her class is wearing an f-ing swine flu mask. I feel like it's an important life skill to be able to avoid disease by building an immune system, not just wearing a mask. I guess the asians haven't figured everything out yet.





My neice and nephew are cute as hell. And they're good skiers. This picture isn't funny, it just makes me happy, and it makes me wish I still lived in Colorado.



I saw this on the cigar menu at a BBQ place near my office. I created this cigar myself, and called it "The Stephen Golding" but I guess they thought people weren't familiar enough with Stephen, so they called it a Texas Jewboy.

Seriously though, pretty anti-semetic and ridiculous in my opinion, especially if you say "I'm sucking on a Texas Jewboy." That is beyond distasteful, and I sure hope I never experience it.



I saw this on 6th and 3rd, I believe. It's my block! It says it right there in the concrete! Wow, I'm famous.


This one is a bit of a longer story. When I was home for Thanksgiving, I told my mom I wanted to buy a peacoat, or any sort of jacket that I could wear to work over a suit that wasn't my full out DNA Ski Jacket. We didn't have time to buy one, but when I was leaving I found the jacket pictured above in my hallway closet. I tried it on, and it fit! Free jacket!

As I buttoned the jacket, Jules looked up at me and giggled. I asked why, and he said "I think that's a women's jacket." I refused to accept that it was, especially considering the size the woman would need to be to fit into the jacket. Also, the buttons could be buttoned up on either side, so it could be set up as a men's jacket no matter what (though based on that flexibility we could even call it a transgenderal jacket. maybe.).

I was hurt by this argument, and couldn't really find the exact model online. Then I was on the subway, and saw this:




A homeless man asking for money wearing the same jacket! It had to be a men's jacket, because he was a homeless MAN!!!! I'm happy this all got sorted out.

Happy Chanukah