STUPID WOMAN ROOMMATE

The best thing about having a woman roommate like Liat is that she doesn't read my blog. The worse part about her will be described below.

WARNING: "INTO THE WILD" MOVIE SPOILER

Last night the three roommates decided to sit down to watch a movie none of us had seen, "Into the Wild." We settled in, and while the first credits are rolling and we see the first appearance of the main character, woman roommate declares: "It's too bad that he dies, but at least he dies happy."

We looked at her, in complete shock. What a frickin idiot. The movie was great, but we knew what was gonna happen, completely destroying the full fun of watching it. I have decided that if I live with a platonic woman roommate again, I will muzzle her before movies, or just make sure when i pick her to be my roommate that she isn't a F-ING TARD. Sorry, I'm just upset.

The Evolution of Jared

In my life I occasionally find moments of perfection, fragments of seconds where everything around me is working out just as it is supposed to be. It's unreasonable to expect these moments 24/7, and in the past I have learned to appreciate them when they come along.

This past weekend was a little less moments, and a little more of...everything worked out. Everything worked out and was so easy and pleasurable that I lost my cell phone, but couldn't care less. (Oh yah, if you have an Israeli cell phone number, I lost it and need it)

Took the 5 hour bus ride from Tel Aviv to Eilat on Thursday to meet my weekend travel group- Torey, Courtney, Faith, Chelsea, and Lauryn. Yah, Jared and 5 girls. Pimp daddy. We spent the day relaxing on the beach, taking in the sun and appreciating the techno music of the seashore. Eilat is like a Mexican Spring break spot, but the guys wear tighter bathing suits than the girls. Not quite the turn-on an American looks for during a beach day, but oh well.

Dan Dan met up with us on the beach, then left after the cell phone debacle. The girls weren't sick of me yet, I wasn't sick of them, so far so good. Went to dinner that night, and in typical me-fashion, I ate all-you-can-eat meat and the girls ate salad. Fine, Faith had some chicken. But still, I asserted my man-ness with that meal.

The next morning we headed for Petra, giving me my first stamp from an Arab country on my passport. Other than the tour guide, I was the only guy, as our group was joined by 4 older women from Israel/Germany. So Ali, our tour guide, gave me a Petra hat and constantly picked on me as if I was the token gay friend who should be outcast for hanging out with girls instead of guys.

Petra was spectacular. The heat wasn't overpowering, and the sights were beautiful. All the hype was worth it, and we all had a pretty good time. Other than watching the donkeys that are used as taxis for people that can't do the 4km hike. There were little kids riding these donkeys treating them like the Jews in "Prince of Egypt," including a 8 year old whose eyes looked like that girl from Heroes with black eyes. He decided that whipping his donkey in the face at all times was a better tactic than giving it some kicks and clicking his teeth or something. It was disturbing. Overall, the hike was awesome, including our pictorial depiction of "Evolution of Man" seen above.

Returned from Petra to find Jules and Shaun, who had come to surprise the girls. Because no kosher restaurants were open, we decided to grill on the beach for dinner. It was the perfect Israel night, as well all drank and ate the most delicious burgers on matzah for hours and hours. Perfect.

The next day was spent on a different beach in Eilat, where we rented snorkels and relaxed for the day. Supposedly the Red Sea has the second best diving and snorkeling to the Great Barrier Reef. So did I have the second best time compared to what I could have had in Australia? No. I capitalized, and enjoyed dem fishies that we were lucky enough to check out.

All was great until Jules and I ventured a bit farther than we probably should've....then BAM, I was in the middle of "Finding Nemo" and I was surrounded by Jelly fish on all sides. Pretty crazy. I escaped with no pain, and instead of getting angry at the jellies, Faith and I befriended one of them. We named her Violet, and carried her around the beach for a bit. That's the three of us below. Me Violet and Faith. Menage-twawesome.



That night we went out to the boardwalk for some good fun, partying on the beach followed by some risk taking, compliments of the Slingshot Ride that shoots two people at a time hundreds of feet in the air, overlooking the whole city. Most of us went, and the experience was complimented by the owner of the ride constantly dedicating songs to me and Torey and our love for each other. It was quite amusing, considering he was dedicating some slow dance songs and some techno beats, none of which we really knew (other than the song we flew in the air during, Lose Yourself by Eminem. hot beat).

Came back to Herzliya yesterday, and now I'm in class for the first time in 26 days. My life is amazing. In the next few weeks I get to see Sean, Shane, Grace, Max, Perlman....the list goes on and on. Should be busy, but I can't wait.

Religious Jews can be real jerks

Yay for passover in Israel. In the states it can be tough to keep passover; our friends will break the rules, we will keep them but still struggle to avoid temptation, etc. But here, it's easy peasy. The grocery stores are only kosher for passover. I've been searching for bread in Herzliya with no success thus far. Too bad.

You may be wondering why I'm angry at Orthodox Judaism right now. Well, it stems from an event that occurred this past Saturday. Shaun, Courtney, Torey, Jules and I had been relaxing in a park, appreciating the nice Jerusalem weather on the calm sabbath afternoon. We thought, shit, its almost passover, lets go get some lunch with some bread before it's forbidden! So we went to the closest restaurant, sat outside, and ordered Sloppy Joes and Club sandwiches.

Well, supposedly you're not supposed to eat bread after 10am the day of the first seder if its on a saturday night. Even if we had known this, hey, I need a sloppy joe and the Big Guy upstairs will understand if I have one final sandwich before depriving myself for the rest of the week.

The Haredi Orthodox Jews didn't sympathize. Mid-sandwich we heard some screaming and chanting coming from around the corner, assuming it was some rally that would pass. As the group of 40 or so Black-hat men approached, we realized that they weren't on a parade around town: they were coming for us.

The group stood in front of our table screaming "Shabbat!" and "Hametz!" (levened bread), almost like a trained acappella group. THen they would go silent and one would scream something like "Assooora leechol hametz beyom Shabbas a kodesh leefney Hag Pesach!" (its forbidden to eat hametz on shabbat before the holiday of passover) or something like that, and the second he finished his sentence the rest of them would go off screaming again and pretending to cry to the Lord. Or maybe they weren't pretending. Maybe my sloppy joe brought tears to their eyes. Speaking of their eyes, they had to shut them because they aren't allowed to look at women. Can you imagine? Not looking at women? And I thought that my life was tough. Geez.

Anyway, I decided to do the right thing, which I thought they would be happy about: I told them they were right, I threw my sandwich down and said "Yah, It is forbidden! You are so right!I am not going to finish this sandwich!" They weren't amused. But the Cops came, and all was safe.

The whole thing, in my opinion, was embarrassing for religious Judaism. Even if it's forbidden to eat bread, its just as much of a sin to pass judgment on someone else. If Israel doesn't survive as a state, it won't be because of our battle with the arab nations- it will be our inability to coexist as Jews. Let's hope things change.

I'll be in Herzliya this week until Thursday, when I travel on my adventure to Eilat and Petra, Jordan. It will be One Man (me) and 5 Women (Team Canada). Should be some great great times. YAY ABROAD

Finding my Roots...oy

People come from all around the world to "find their roots" in Israel, citing some connection to their relgion or just to the land itself. I didn't find this metaphysical connection upon moving here--it took a few months, and a trip with my parents to figure it out.

Mom, Dad, and I went on a trip around the north, which was pretty boring. Too much driving. On our way back, we stopped at an ancient ruin in Caesaria. It is one of Israel's oldest ruins, dating to before the time when Jesus was kickin it here.

Before I tell this story, I thought you should know that when I was in Rome, walking through the forum, I had to pee reaallllly bad. But I held it in, not wanting to pee on anything noteworthy, and found a toilet. Yah.

Back to Israel, lets compare my Dad and I in size: he is an inch taller than me, several pounds heavier than me....and has a bladder 1/8 the size of mine. This issue kicked in in the middle of our walking tour of the ruins. And as you see below....


Dad "ruined the ruins." Pretty awful, I know. I hope no one from the government reads this.

Well this taught me something. I know exactly where I came from- Art and Joanne Kleinstein. And while the people around me may have shaped the way I talk or crack jokes, I am who I am today because of the two peeps that raised me. I think they did a good job. Oh yah, and I also realized this at dinner last night with both mine and Kahan's families, when my Dad was asked "What do you use the computer for?"

His response: "All I know how to do is check my e-mail, get golf tee times, and watch Porn."

That explains a lot. Peace out.

Mommy, Daddy, and Adir's birthday!

So Art and Joanne showed up in the homeland, and obviously the country got instantaneously funner.....more fun....actually, I prefer funner.

I met them in Jerusalem, got them settled in, then went out for a nice little happy birthday Adir dinner with them. Mom and Dad are excellent entertainment-- when I get married I want to amuse my kids and their friends the way Art and Joanne amuse us.

See, they've mastered the combination of "awkward as fuck" and "semi cool parents" along with a little "we quibble a lot just because it gives us something to do." I think it's a good style.

ON TO THE BIRTHDAY. It started in the Kramer Hoffman Bama apartment, where Dad held his first gun. He closed one eye to see out the scope--this didn't help, as he is probably legally blind in the eye he was using. Note to self: don't let Art  join the army.



Once he left the partay, a couple more people showed up. It's passover, so tons of people were out of town. Poor Adir, was no one going to show up for his party?
Well, the party started filling in, and we had a solid crew of people who really love Adir and his accent and singing voice. As we took more and more drinks, we had more and more fun (naturally, I can't see us having a good time without the influence of alcohol, duhhhh). Eventually, I found myself in Shaun's room with Faith and Adir singing pop songs at the top of our lungs, and once we were joined by Jules and Becca, the most amazing renditions of "F*ck a Dog" and "F*ck her gently" were pronounced by the group. It seemed that "f*cking" was the theme of the nights songs, so spice girls didnt quite fit in. But we sang them anyway.

We decided that after about 3.5 hours of pregaming, it may be time to go to the bars (after we peed out the window right next to the apartment instead of walking 10 feet to the toilet). Well, that didnt work out. We just ended up walking around and finding a great shnitzel place right next to the bars, where Adir doesn't remember eating a full meal. A few minutes later I found him sitting in the middle of the street, sunglasses on, posing like a model without knowing we were looking at him. So far so good for a 21st bday, eh??




His eyes looked asian, and because we assumed Jules was going to get with the anonymous Boulder army girl who was out with us, I went with Adir to stay in his apartment and take care of him. When we got there, he touched the door, assumed it was locked, and decided to climb up the side of the building to sneak in. His keys were in his pocket the whole time. Oy.





Spent the next few days impressing the parents with my Hebrew and sitting by the pool at their hotel swimming with the guys. We're back in Herzliya now, and more PG fun is sure to come with them in town. We are going to a winery tomorrow, and if it's anything like the weddings my dad drinks wine at, expect pictures of him dancing topless.

Italy #2-- how could the worst pizza in the world be in Rome?

Yayyy free time. Sorta. Mom and Dad are in town, so I am pretty busy, but I have a few minutes to blog a bit more about what went down during the rest of my tenure in Italia.

After we said peace out to Bergson and Team Sussex, I went on a walking tour of Florence. It turns out there are a ton of churches and paintings....and that's about it. I'm not saying churches and paintings are lame, I honestly was in awe of every single dome, statue, and piece of artwork I saw. But still, it got to the point where I just wanted a change in pace, like a church that had some music playing and maybe some pictures of Jesus actually having a fun time instead of acting all miz on the cross. One thing that stood out-- The David. It was probably because of the architecture of the room, but honestly it just looked so amazingly large and powerful where it stood. I was shocked, and no matter how many pics I see after, I'll never forget the first time I saw it. Below is a pic of Bergson licking the outdoor version of David, right smack on the penis, while Phil cups the berries.




The next day Shara and I went to a small Tuscan town, Lucca, which has a circumference of about 5 km. I only mention this distance because the town is surrounded by a really old school wall, and Shara and I spent a few hours biking around it, overlooking the city, on reallly straight neon yellow bikes. It was beautiful. About 5 minutes in, we wanted to take a picture, and handed our cameras to a nice old English lady. She stepped back to take the pictures with a little more depth, tripped on the cooblestone, and fell on her sad old behind, throwing the cameras in the process. My first reaction was "shit, the cameras" before I realized that I should think "shit, the old lady." Her friend explained that she had just received new hips, making Shara and I feel even worse. She eventually got up, and took the pics- what a trooper.



Our day eventually ended, and we headed back to Florence, where Shara passed out and I went out with Phil to watch the Final Four games. I have an amazing story from that night, but it's not blog appropriate----ask me about the "r.kelly" story if you want to know more details.

The next day I headed alone to Rome, as everyone else had class to go to. I saw the entire city (minus the vatican, I hear it's lame) in about 6 hours. It turns out walking alone to see sights is really quick: I sorta sped walked from spot to spot, seeing every sight I was told to see, taking pictures and appreciating, then moving on. I started at the Colosseum, which is awesome, went throught the Palatine, the Roman Forum, to The Jewish Ghetto (where I did a tour of the old synogogue, obvi), the Pantheon, the Trevi Fountain (see the picture below), the Spanish Steps, and any other Piazza I passed. Sweet stuff, eh?



Well, it would have been a more memorable experience if I hadnt stopped for lunch in the Kosher area of Rome. I thought, hey Jared, you're in Italy, the pizza has to be friggin sweet.

NOT. It may have been the kosher part, but regardless, the pizza sucked. Worse than Pizza Hut. Worse than Dominos. Even worse than those Lunchables Pizzas we made in 6th grade (which were pretty good, so they prob shouldn't be on this list). I can't wait for New York Pizza.

Got back to Florence that night and had dinner with Devra's family, who were also visiting from Denver. Delicious food, and even though I had been to the restaurant the night before, it tasted better because it was free.

That night we went out for "Beatles Night" at a place that Maddie R. goes to every week. Her, Phil and I rocked out for about 4 hours listening to the best Beatles cover band I've ever heard. They are also the only Beatles coverband I've heard, so they may have actually sucked. But I liked it. Phil and Maddie did "the pancake" for a few hours (see the picture), and overall it was an unbelievable night. We ended up in a "secret bakery," where we had to be verrrry quiet if we were to get our food. We got the most delicious donuts and croissants I've ever had. Especially that croissant, hot damn. I thought it would just be a croissant like all them frenchies eat, but then BAM it exploded with a chocolate cumshot in my mouth. Fantastic!



Spent the next day with Shara and Maddie, eating and seeing more of Florence. Overall, I'd say Italy was amazing, a great success. I was happy to be back in Israel because I like Hebrew more than Italian, but I still would fly back there for the people and the good times in a heartbeat.

I will do a new post tomorrow about Adir's bday, one of the funniest nights of the year. Stay tuned!

Italy post numero uno

Yay for being back from Italy! It was a pretty awesome week, and I plan on blogging in installments so I don't have to ignore my parents who are visiting Israel for too long at a time.

SO HERES HOW IT WENT DOWN TO START:

Flew to Verona, met a cool Israeli family before the flight that "adopted me" as one of their own. They didnt speak English to me, and they were constantly amused by my bad grammar. I bet their English grammar would've sucked, but I'm too nice to mock them like they mocked me.

Landed in Verona, saw the town. It's not half bad, but don't forget, I was alone. So I would look at big churches, nod my head and ask myself "isnt that beautiful?" and then respond to myself with either "yah, sweet architecture" or "meh, I've seen nicer." This is how the whole trip went whenever I traveled alone (ie a lot).

Spent the night in Verona in a hostel, in a room with about 11 European guys. They all seemed nice, but in the mornin, from my bottom bunk, I saw wayyy more than I wanted. I couldnt see faces because of my position on the bunk bed, but I could see tiny underwear that barely covered testes.

Took a train with some American girls to Venice, watched Finding Forrester the whole way there. Great flick, great acting. There were 5 minutes left when we arrived, so the girls and I sat in the train station watching it until that final scene where they play "somewhere over the rainbow." Could've been exploring Venice, chose Sean Connery. No regrets.

Once in Venice, I met up with Shara and Horan (WashU), and we did a sweet art history tour of the city. It's a pretty place, tons of pigeons. All of Italy is filled with pigeons. It seemed like the national animal, pretty lame choice for the country.

Trained back to Florence, where we met up with Bergson, Briskman, Joelle R., Nikki C, and Phil. It was a great night, went bar hopping then clubbing. Phil might be the best person to go out with in the entire world. If you're reading this Phil, I mean it. You are amazing to go out with.

I will finish my posting later, Jules is coming to the hotel to say hi to mom and dad. YAY FOR ITALY STORIES

I love this airport!

Yah, waiting in lines for security sucks. Yah, they question me about everything under the sun, like where I went to high school and who my distant relatives in Israel are. And yah, McDonalds is Kosher and costs as much as a regular dinner in the states.

But free wireless in the airport? I'm not going to say its the best thing since sliced bread---it's better than sliced bread. I have 25 minutes until I board my flight to Italy, so I can't think of anything I'd rather do than blog. I guess if there was somewhere to ski in the airport, I'd rather do that. But I'll deal with what I'm given.

Yah, I'm traveling to Italy alone. It's pretty ballsy, I know. Not many people would do it. Maybe Kelly Clarkson, "Miss Independent," would. But not many other than her.

I will tell stories of my trip upon my return. Keep me in your hearts.

love, me



forgot to mention something! I went to a soccer game last week, Israel vs. Chile. Israel won, obvi. But it was awesome----it only cost 10 shekels, and I bought an Israeli soccer scarf after! It's the first time I've bought a scarf, and while it felt a little feminine, everyone was doing it. I'm a sucker for peer pressure. I think I have a pretty warm neck though and little use for it, so if anyone needs a blue and white soft scarf, holler my way.

BLOGGING SUCKS! I'M GOING TO ITALY

I was looking at the calendar, and realized that I was free this thursday. I had two options that seemed feasible: write on my blog about my emotions or random thoughts, or fly to italy for a few days. I picked blogging.....NOT.

I found an amazing deal- $200 total for my flights to the home of Pizza and Pinnochio. I want to see as much of the country as possible, but if that doesn't work out, I'll just stick to Gelato and facebook in Florence. Sounds like a plan.

When I get back, mommy and daddy will be here. Should be some sweet sweet family time, they're good people and I can't wait to act all Israeli in front of them.


SERIOUS QUESTION, BUT SORTA NOT.....BUT STILL:

Let's say I decide to stay in Israel and not move back to that there America country. I need reasons why America is better than Israel. Please comment with your responses.

peace out!